Flags That Slap: South Sea Company

Okay, so it’s not a flag as much as it’s just a coat of arms, but get a load of this shit. 

To start, for all the talk about Late Capitalism and our society’s deleterious boner for consuming shit, this 18th century British trading company had its own escutcheon. Was this the first time in history that a corporation tried to hoodwink its employees into thinking it was a “family”?

Then we have our Fish Kings. It’s hard to overstate how many questions I have about these guys. Are they both kings, or is one of them a queen with an identical crown? Do they rule together, and if so, do they both have to agree on all decisions? Or do they alternate making the decisions, like at the Battle of Cannae? And why…why are we the subjects of some goddamn fish? 

But the most outstanding part of this is surely the world map, in which Florida is the size of Western Europe and South America is the size of Montana. This is an amorphous affront to God. I know they didn’t have satellite mapping technology in the 1700s, but Christ, dude. Did someone’s kid draw this? Did someone’s idiot fucking kid draw this?

Flags That Slap: South Georgia and the Sandwich Islands

Have you ever been to South Georgia and the Sandwich Islands? Have you ever heard of South Georgia and Sandwich Islands? No? That doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that it’s a British territory in the South Atlantic and their flag just… man, it slaps so much. 

I don’t even know where to start describing it. Maybe with the seal and the penguin that are Eiffel Towering a coat of armor? Yeah, we’ll start there. Beneath the coat of armor is a yellow lion holding a goddamn torch, and he’s surrounded by that blue and white checkered pattern that the busty German girls wear at Oktoberfest. On top of this all? A deer with eyes but no mouth, which is, frankly, terrifying as shit.

This is all atop a scroll that features the territory’s motto, Leo Terram Propriam Protegat, which translates to “Let the Lion Protect His Own Land.” Assuming the lion here represents England, this is easily the saddest expression of territorial pride imaginable. They might as well just make their motto the Latin word for “cucks.”

I know what you’re thinking. But come on. The Romans absolutely had a word for cuck.