Superheroes for 2021

Superheroes are created to match the needs and wants of their audience. At their best, comic heroes shed light on the difficulties people are facing and provide a medium through which the audience can imagine overcoming that adversity. Captain America was created as wish-fulfillment for anti-isolationists hoping to punch Hitler right in the kisser. The X-Men comics, despite their mayonnaise-white cast of original heroes, were born out of the momentum of the civil rights movement, a stand-in for the discrimination faced by black and brown Americans and a representation of what it takes to keep fighting through adversity. And Punisher arose from the innate desire of every person to become Batman, juxtaposed against the fact that becoming Batman involves way more money anyone could reasonably have—so hey, why not buy a fuckton of guns and fucking shoot everybody? Okay, that one is a little less idealistic. 

The of-the-moment inspirations for our most iconic superheroes makes you wonder: what type of superheroes are going to be born out of this flaming shitnugget of a time? We did our best to answer. 

Captain Exhale: Able to breathe comfortably through any mask, Captain Exhale can powerfully walk through densely populated buildings, burst through crowded subways, and even carefully avoid strangers on the sidewalk while maintaining a calm, even breath. 

Video Woman: It’s a sociopath! It’s a living zombie! No, it’s Video Woman, capable of withstanding multiple hours bouncing between Zoom, Google Hangouts and Skype for Business without once leaving her mic on mute or dropping her WiFi connection.

The Outsider: When it’s 30 degrees outside and you can’t bear to have another meal trapped in your goddamn apartment, who are you going to call? The Outsider! With her power to turn any outdoor location into a tolerable place to sit for 45 or so minutes, The Outsider is the only hero guaranteed to make you say, “Can I just die here instead of going back?”

Seth Rogen: Look, the bar is really low right now. The power to absolutely roast the fuck out of Ted Cruz every day while still finding the time to make dope pottery is a superpower these days.

Average Boy: No task is too big. No responsibility is too important. When the moment arises, Average Boy will show up and turn in a C-minus effort. And every time, humanity will rejoice because at least someone is doing something. What a hero.

The Worst Wedding Toasts of 2021

Now that a glut of wedding celebrations have been pushed back to next year, we’re facing an unprecedented wedding season in 2021. Here’s the worst wedding speech lines we can expect in the year to come:

“At first, I thought we should take a global pandemic as a sign that the universe didn’t want these two to get married. In fact, I was grateful that Kelly would be forced to spend twenty months together with Ted before making the worst decision of her life. But I’m glad they soldiered through.” 

“May you two deal with adversity far better than the former presidential administration.” 

“And if you ever lay a finger on my daughter, I’ll come to your house and cough in your throat young man.” 

“If these two can survive quarantining together in a New York City walkup for 9 months, then what can’t they accomplish?” 

“Jen is so much prettier than your previous wife, who tragically passed away from massive respiratory failure last April. Wow, pretty fast on the uptake there, Mark.”

“At first, as Heather’s roommate, I was a little worried when she started bringing Jeff around. I mean, had this guy even been tested? Was he hanging out with other people? But then Jeff tested negative for COVID-19 (still waiting for that syphilis test to come back though, haha), and he turned out to be the most loving, thoughtful man not named Anthony Fauci. But Heather, don’t think that just because you’re married now that our nights of socially distanced rosé are over!”

“Margaret is so much prettier than your previous wife, Janis, who divorced you after quarantining 9 months together in a New York City walkup. Wow, pretty fast on the uptake, there, Steve.”

“I’m glad that you two can put an end to all that social distancing tonight, if you know what I mean. No but seriously this couple can get freakier than the toilet paper line at Costco during the first day of a stay-at-home order.”

“Folks, did you see that ring that Brett bought? I know that saving three months worth of salary is a little outdated, but man those $600 relief checks sure go a long way.”

“My sister Rachel is an absolute saint. While some of us continued partying in New Orleans weeks after the virus hit, there was good old Rach, calmly explaining to me that I needed to wear a mask if I wanted Aunt Carol to make it to the wedding tonight. Everybody, give it up for Aunt Carol, who survived 18 months in isolation in her Seattle nursing home to be here!”

“Dave, you are the Joe Exotic to my Travis Maldonado.”

“We’re so delighted those of you with antibodies were able to make it to our celebration. Thank you for getting tested in advance of our big day. We never thought we’d enjoy having a wedding with four guests so much!”

“I knew John had found the love of his life when he named his sourdough starter after Katie. Let’s raise a glass that their love continues to rise forever.”

“By the time Michael agreed to meet in person and take his mask off after all of our Sip n’ Zoom Thursdays, I didn’t even CARE what he looked like anymore. I was just ready to be touched again.”

“Sam, you are the missing jigsaw piece in my life, unlike the final piece to our Monet water lilies puzzle we started in March and couldn’t finish because the dog you fostered ate it.”

“Just look at the way these two stare at each other: like Nicolas Maduro stares at hydroxychloroquine tablets.”

“I hope these two have an amazing time in their honeymoon to the only nations that are letting Americans in right now: Albania, Belarus, and Belize!”

“Joshua, love is like the WHO: it’s a powerful bond that can only be broken when one party unilaterally prioritizes its own autonomy over the common good.”

“Aren’t we grateful that the airline industry survived this so we could all be here in Hawaii together to celebrate Chad and Melissa’s big day?”

“Kiki, don’t forget to wash all of those gifts in boiling water, let them rest in your garage for 24 hours, and sanitize them with Clorox wipes and bleach. You can never be too careful these days!”

“When Lisa asked me to write this speech, I googled the definition of ‘pandemic.’ It means ‘an outbreak of a pandemic disease.’ And that’s what Lisa and Jeff’s love is like.”

“In case you were wondering—yes it’s DEFINITELY a quarantine pregnancy.”