Six Oligarchic Societies That Voluntarily Surrendered Power

I know things seem bad lately, what with all of the murder of people of color and mass layoffs while executives take fat bonuses. However, now is not the time to go do something crazy, like doing literally anything that could possibly have the slightest impact on how society currently functions. We have to be more decent than that. In fact, there is reason to believe this reckless abuse of power will subside over time if we pray and smile real hard. Here are six abusive, oligarchic societies that willingly surrendered wealth and power without anyone doing anything. 

  1. …Err….
  2. Ummm….
  3. I mean….
  4. ……I’m sure there’s…
  5. AHA! What about… oh fuck, not them.
  6. Shit.

Well there you have it. Everybody stop your asserting humanity and taking essentials from corporate chains, and just *RUNS TO LOCK GATES AROUND MANSION*

Seven Quick Workouts to Get Absolutely SHREDDED While Protesting Your Local Gym Closure

Blue-state governors HATE us for telling you these seven simple workouts you can do to get ABSOLUTELY JACKED as you gather outside your local government building to protest the stay at home orders that are keeping you out of the gym. 

  1. Looking to spice up your cardio? Add a flak jacket and 30 rounds of ammo on top of your bodyweight to get that heart rate up while you storm the stairs of the state capitol.
  2. Give your shoulders a nice burn by seeing how long you can hold up your “fear is the real virus” sign.
  3. Try some body holds
  4. Don’t forget the breathing exercises—see how much you can breathe onto the neck of the person in front of you at the Home Depot line before they fight you. 
  5. Get your 10,000 steps in by pacing around your apartment. 4  reps of 20 minutes should burn off all the carbs you’ve eaten in homemade sourdough. 
  6. See how many kegels you can pump out for every minute that your Zoom call lasts longer than it should. 
  7. Mental gymnastics aren’t just for your mind! Stay limber by doing pushups as you protest the stay at home orders, because nothing says “gyms should be considered an essential service” quite like doing workouts that can be done in the comfort of your home.