Introducing: Google

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, huh? One day, you’re carelessly walking down the street singing Lana del Rey. The next day you find out that DESPITE Green Book winning Best Picture, racism is APPARENTLY still a thing??? It’s wild. At times like these, you instinctively want to turn to your friends who are knowledgeable about what’s going on to get support. However, after realizing your friends are pretty fucking white, you have decided to turn to an even better source of support: That one black person from your junior year English class that you’re pretty sure you worked with on a group project. You ask them everything, from where to donate, to how to protest, to how to define the word “systemic”. And UGH (!!!) they’re all like, “I’m sorry, but I do not have time to talk to you about this and also I wasn’t in your English class.”

Well, despite their selfishness, I have good news for you: I have discovered a new tool that will help answer all of your pressing questions. Introducing: Google.

For the uninformed, Google is an A-MAZ-ING thing on the internet that lets you discover relevant information. From “What is racism?” to “Are you sure I can still be a racist if I like the movie Barbershop?”, Google is a gateway to sorting out all of the questions that are driving you crazy, but you can’t seem to find a black distant acquaintance to answer. Best of all, Google will connect you with a bunch of other crazy new tools that can help fill in your knowledge gaps—like Reddit, for finding out whether you can be a furry and a racist at the same time (you can!), or Twitter, for discovering whether people will threaten a hate crime on a public forum (they will!).

During this uncertain time, we are all looking for answers. With Google, you have that knowledge at your fingertips. Now, go forth and educate yourself—then spend twelve times as much time repeating and iterating the small bit of knowledge you learned. We’re counting on you. 

Six Oligarchic Societies That Voluntarily Surrendered Power

I know things seem bad lately, what with all of the murder of people of color and mass layoffs while executives take fat bonuses. However, now is not the time to go do something crazy, like doing literally anything that could possibly have the slightest impact on how society currently functions. We have to be more decent than that. In fact, there is reason to believe this reckless abuse of power will subside over time if we pray and smile real hard. Here are six abusive, oligarchic societies that willingly surrendered wealth and power without anyone doing anything. 

  1. …Err….
  2. Ummm….
  3. I mean….
  4. ……I’m sure there’s…
  5. AHA! What about… oh fuck, not them.
  6. Shit.

Well there you have it. Everybody stop your asserting humanity and taking essentials from corporate chains, and just *RUNS TO LOCK GATES AROUND MANSION*