20 New Nicknames for the Washington Professional Football Team

At long last, Dan Snyder has done the impossible and finally caved to pressure from corporate sponsors, fans, and the Native American community (probably in that order) and announced that the Washington professional football team will retire its racist nickname. Here are 20 recommendations for what the team’s new name should be: 

  1. The Washington Dan Snyder Profit Padders
  2. The Washington Remember Clinton Portis? He Was Fun! 
  3. The Washington Tarped Off-enders
  4. Joe Gibbs Racing
  5. The Washington Mile Away From Public Transport Walkers
  6. The Washington Redtubes
  7. The Washington 7–9ers
  8. The Really Located in Maryland but Say They’re Located in D.C. Georgetown Preppers
  9. The Washington Devil’s Triangles
  10. The Washington Obese Midwestern Tourists
  11. The Washington Metro Fires
  12. The Washington And Lee Grads
  13. The Washington Brownnosers
  14. The Washington Network
  15. The Washington Fighting Gingham Shirts
  16. The Washington Bars That Turn You Away If You’re Wearing Flip-Flops. Fuck You, El Centro On 14th Street, You’re A Shitty, Seedy Establishment And I’m Glad You Didn’t Give Me The Chance To Patronize You On That Fateful August Night A Few Years Ago. I Went To Drafting Table Instead And Watched Premier League Re-Airs While Sipping Two Nice Beers Instead Of Your Bottom-Shelf, Taint-Filtered Tequila Shots. If I Wanted To Have Some Junior Analyst From The Inter-American Development Bank Bump Into Me While Salsa Dancing With His Extremely Intoxicated 20-Year-Old Intern, I Would Go To Clarendon.
  17. The Washington Chodes
  18. The Washington Dark Money “Free Market” Think Tanks
  19. The Washington Dark Money “Free Market” Military Tanks
  20. The Washington Bethesdas 

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