Picking a Campaign Song for Every Candidate Left

A great campaign song can transform an election. Bill Clinton had “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac, Barack Obama used “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours” by Stevie Wonder to great effect, and who can forget the old-timey background music from Birth of a Nation that Donald Trump presumably blared?

But when it comes to trademark songs, the current crop of candidates seems to be vacillating between incredibly blessed and just remarkably cursed choices. That’s not good enough. With that in mind, we set out to help. Here are the songs each of the Democrats contending for the nomination and also Mike Bloomberg should use this campaign season:

Bernie Sanders – Everything I Wanted, by Billie Eilish. Oh sure, he’ll promise you everything you say you want. Healthcare. Education. Jobs. A planet to inhabit. But what if, hear me out, it’s actually a socialist nightmare?!?! Not what you’d think???!!! If you’re being honest!!! (This article is a sponsored post provided by the Mike Bloomberg campaign. “Bloomberg 2020: You’re Gonna Get What You Deserve, You Little Shits.”)

Joe Biden – Ocean Eyes, by Billie Eilish. Say what you want about Joe Biden. No seriously, go ahead and talk about this and this and hell, even this. While you do that, I’m just gonna be staring into those baby blues

Elizabeth Warren – No Time To Die, by Billie Eilish. This isn’t a rallying cry for a comeback. Nor is it about any of the song’s lyrics. It’s more just a general symmetry between the song and the candidate. Like, they both seemed like they were gonna be hits. And people generally don’t hate either of them, exactly. But, like, did you remember this song existed? Probably not. Did anyone in Nevada remember that Liz killed the CEO of Wells Fargo? Certainly not.

Mike Bloomberg – Bad Guy, by Billie Eilish. This one’s fun because Mike Bloomberg’s NYPD illegally surveilled the city’s Muslim population and threw black men against the wall for fun. He is, in most modern ethical frameworks, a bad guy. It’s the titular role!

Pete Buttigieg – idontwannabeyouanymore, by Billie Eilish. Look, we were all about it for a minute. Abolish the electoral college? Yes daddy. Unpack the Supreme Court? Um, ok king! Parlay white male midwestern mediocrity into the most powerful position alive? I’M TRYING. But the more we got to know him, the less we wanted to be just like Mayor Pete. We’ll stick to more inspirational role models for now, like that girl who was selling feet pics to save Australia <3. 

Amy Klobuchar – All The Good Girls Go To Hell, by Billie Eilish. I will maintain until my dying day that Amy Klobuchar should have leaned into the ice queen aesthetic from day one. No one wants a nice senator who promises to win back Trump counties; we want a firebreather who will sucker punch your mom for not saying “God rest his soul” after mentioning Paul Wellstone. Also, this song includes the line “Peter should know better,” which is a pretty good summary of every time Amy opens her mouth on the debate stage. Case closed.

Tom Steyer – You Should See Me In A Crown, by Billie Eilish. Idk idk, he’s rich or something. I honestly don’t get this dude’s deal. He’s the second richest billionaire in the race and his plan seems to be siphoning off just enough support from Biden (???) to finish third in one of the first four states? This seems like a dumb plan. This campaign is dumb. 

Player Piano

Learning how to do something new sucks. Learning how to play piano especially sucks. And I can tell you that nothing sucks harder shit than the ego-demolishing moment when you realize that not only are you spending your precious time picking out the melody to “On Top of Ole Smokey,” but you’re not very good at it either. 

This year I decided that I was going to learn piano. I had played jazz saxophone through high school at a decent-enough level, so I had a vision of the basic competency I wanted to achieve. I was inspired by friends who were able to sit down and play just about any sort of music on the most flexible instrument in the world. A saxophone isn’t worth much without a backing band, but a piano player can fit in anywhere from the E Street Band (Bruce had an organist and a piano player) to a solo act (Keith Jarrett or, worse, Billy Joel). My goal for the end of the year is to be a decent enough piano player that I could sit in for at least one set with a jazz quartet and not embarrass myself. 

So that’s how I ended up with the cheapest (relatively, electric pianos tend to be priced in units of “car payments”) 88-key weighted keyboard money can buy. The keyboard’s synth setting might make Van Halen’s “Jump” sound like a restrained chamber piece, and I may still stumble through “The Can-Can” and bastardize “The Marine’s Hymn,” but I’m getting my money and time’s worth.

I came into this goal, like most resolutions, thinking that if I spent more time working toward a goal it would change me for the better. The idea was that, by playing music for at least five minutes a day, I would have a better sense of purpose, growth, play and joy. 

And dedicating yourself to something does change you, in a small way at least. I, for one, can now run through my scales in all keys, better conceptualize how the twelve notes conceptually fit together, and—most importantly—play the four-bar piano riff at the start of “Closing Time.” See, positive change. 

But doing something for the sake of doing it doesn’t inherently lead to big-picture change. I’m not magically calmer or more meditative about life just because I spent 30 minutes learning how to comp ii-V-I changes (Damien Chazelle, you’re not the only white guy who can make basic jazz references). If anything, I’ve learned that adding something to my plate—even a hobby that’s for my own enjoyment—has the capacity to increase stress, especially since now there’s something else to feel like you’re missing out on if you’re crunched on time. It’s the same as anything else: if you read more, you’ll know more things; and if you lift more weight, you’ll get stronger. But these small changes won’t magically lead to a bigger alteration in your life (becoming happier, becoming more satisfied with how you look, defeating the devil in a fiddle challenge, etc.) without broader reflection on how you’re spending your time, why, and for what purpose.

Nobody would ever accuse me of being overly reflective. But maybe things like learning piano is an attempt to be. I can say, at the least, that I’ve learned a lot more than just how to play “Yesterday” off of sheet music that I last opened in 2004 (sheet music that’s almost as old as America’s military presence in Iraq). It’s interesting to see where I’m willing to cut corners (“Nobody’s going to know if I didn’t nail ‘Scarborough Fair’”) and what will unleash something inside myself that keeps me glued to my seat playing something over and over no matter how dumb it is just for the sheer pleasure of making it happen (again, “Closing Time”). 

I feel especially far removed from the 17-year-old who was able to glide through far more advanced music with seeming ease. But I wonder how much of that physical and mental dexterity was a product of my age at the time, and how much I can get back. 

When Can You Stop Reading That Book?

There’s no universal rule of thumb for when you can stop reading a book after you pick it up. Some say after you get through 50 pages. Others say after you skip to the end and read the last sentence (if you’re a crazy person). But here are some of the most useful standards our panel of experts has come up with:

  • When it’s time to head to this month’s book group.
  • When the book cuts to an entirely different scene/set of characters, and the dialogue is just as horrid as before.
  • When you see a NYT controversy raging about it.
  • When God rests on the seventh day.
  • When you give up and look at the Wikipedia summary.
  • When you’ve exhausted all the good stuff from the book jacket.
  • When the author is credibly accused of sexual misconduct.
  • When you see the movie.
  • When your friends, strangers, and twitter bots make fun of you for reading Infinite Jest.
  • When you’ve bought two new books since you started reading this one.
  • When you haven’t opened it in like six months and three books have since been stacked on top of it. 
  • When the HBO adaption is better than the manuscript.
  • Never. Don’t be weak. Don’t give up. 

Hot Takes in Your Area: Are we sure that Joaquin Phoenix is good in Joker?

Guys (and, since this is the Academy we’re talking about, I really do mean “guys”), we need to talk. Are we sure that Joaquin Phoenix is good in Joker?

Two things up front, both of which we can hold in our heads at the same time: First, Phoenix is one of the best actors of his generation (and also probably an alien). Second, Joker is a mediocre movie at best and morally irresponsible at worst. 

But putting all that aside, are we certain that America’s foremost anti-cow-insemination scoundrel was a great actor, much less the ~best~ actor, in Todd Phillips’ gritty Taxi Driver reboot? 

Acting weird doesn’t make you a great actor. If we’re going to give Oscars to off-the-rails performances of characters with a destructive persecution complex, then Adam Sandler would have had himself a night on Sunday. And Phoenix himself has played memorably weird characters in the past but, unlike Joker, all of them had an unmistakable depth and generated unique insight into what it means to be human. I still can’t tell you what half of The Master was about, but I know there was something true about Phoenix’s Freddie Quell. The same goes for his roles in Her, in Walk the Line, hell even in Gladiator

But all those roles had what Phoenix’s Joker didn’t—they were interesting. You trusted that Phoenix didn’t just have a reason why his character was behaving like he was, but that it was a good reason. Even not having a reason at all can be enough, but that wasn’t what we got here. 

Instead, Phoenix’s Joker was a hollow pastiche of victimhood and trauma. Few actors have pushed the envelope quite like him, and he was rewarded for it on Sunday. It’s just a shame that it wasn’t for his best performance. 

Pop Punk Hits Remade for the 2020 Election

“Coercing a Foreign Government into Damaging a Political Rival Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off” — Panic! At The Disco ft. Rudy Giuliani

“I’m Not Okay (I Promise…SERIOUSLY)”  — Mike Bloomberg

“Check Yes, Vladimir” — Donald Trump

“Lifestyles of the Rich & Hopeless” — Tom Steyer

“The Middle America” — Amy Klobuchar

“A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Intricate Policy Planning” — Elizabeth Warren

“I’m Just a Kid (And I Was a Mayor)” — Pete Buttigieg 

“Thnks fr th Obma Yrs” — Joe Biden

“Angry Deb8er Boi” — Bernie Sanders

“I Will Do (LITERALLY) Anything” — Hillary Clinton

“Welcome to the White Parade” — The Republican National Committee 

“Wake Me Up When the Primaries End” — Everybody

WOW: George Lucas’ Jedi Council Predicted the Obama Administration YEARS Before the 2008 Election

Okay guys, check this out. This. Is. Mindblowing. 

Star Wars fans know how much attention and detail George Lucas poured into his art. But I’m guessing that most of you didn’t get this MAJOR easter egg hidden in the prequel trilogy. It turns out that Lucas, by portraying the Jedi Council in Episodes I through III (not to mention other assorted ~not canon~ stories), totally NAILED the Obama administration that would roll into office more than THREE YEARS after the release of Revenge of the Sith

Pretty wild, right? Here’s how we know: 

  • In the prequels, the Jedi Council is portrayed as a group of high-minded and well-meaning libs. A veritable “team of rivals,” if you will. But just as Secretary of States Clinton and Kerry were unable to foresee or prevent the rising trend of nationalism across the globe, the Jedi—despite strong moral superiority and favoritism from the media—were oblivious to the return of the Sith Order happening in their midst.
  • Emperor Palpatine never gained the popular vote, but, like Mitch McConnell, he commanded a disproportionate majority in the Senate. 
  • Yoda is an obvious stand-in for Joe Biden. I mean, both are old, neither can communicate well, and they both just absolutely love reminding you of all the great people they knew in the past. But ask them to stand up and actually do something for once? Whoooaaa, buddy, let’s not take things too fast. 
  • It goes without saying that the Droid Army is a portentous commentary on the tenuous morality of drone warfare. I mean, duh. 
  • I’m not sure how Lucasfilm pulled this one off, but if you analyze the script closely, you can tell that Mace Windu is an amalgamation of all the Crooked Media guys. Just as Mace keeps reminding you that he’s a great swordsman, Jon Favreau, Jon Lovett, and Tommy Vietor keep reminding you that they were in the Obama administration. And let’s not forget that Windu and all those podcasters literally failed to predict the rise of Trumpism/an emperor happening right in front of them, and then were pretty ineffectual at trying to stop it. 
  • Mitt Romney, like Jar Jar Binks, negligently allowed a racist to spew racist theories in support of his campaign and/or empowered an evil lord through democratic channels.

Indie Girl Covers Of Classic Songs That We Aren’t Saying Are BETTER Than The Original, Per Se, Just… Ya Know… Different

The Godmother’s Kitchen: A Pasta alla Norma He Can’t Refuse, by Carmela Corleone

This is an all-time favorite Corleone Family recipe, one that we’ve held dear to us ever since I first came over to America from Sicily. Ah, who can ever forget that trip across the Atlantic. So many faces, so many voices, all looking for a new beginning and prosperity in the new world. We were leaving our homeland in pursuit of the American Dream, a dream as rich and complex as my sautéed eggplant. 

When I make this recipe, it conjures up so many images. But my favorite is of my family gathered around a dinner table. Sonny, young and rambunctious, playfully boxing the air with his fists. Fredo, not far removed from the naked baby that was wailing on my dinner table, trying to make his way in the world. Connie, and whatever good-for-nothing dragged himself to dinner with her. Tom, who I always thought of as a son—maybe more so than I did with Fredo at times, if I’m being honest. Looking back, it seems as if the seeds of what would come to pass with our family were encapsulated on that day. Vengeance may not bring Sonny back to me, but the ricotta salata sure comes close. 


Senator Pat Geary stands for Italian Americans. Show your support by donating HERE!!


Now, every time I bite into a dried chili in this dish, I’m taken back to that table, or maybe even before that (it’s funny how time can fold in on itself, flashing back from the present to the past and back again). Just one bite of acidic tomato cascading over the pasta and I’m on Mulberry Street, listening to Vito, Tessio, and Clemenza plot Don Fanucci’s murder. How piquant, like sprinkling of fresh basil over a warm bowl of pasta.

Personally, I like to spice up this dish with orange zest. Oh how the men in my family love their oranges. Some say they represent mortal danger, but to me, I like to think of my husband’s face as he wandered through the markets in Little Italy, narrowly surviving an assassination attempt, or playing with his grandchild in the shade of his garden, always with an orange close at hand. And I must say, my son does his best revenge-murder work while chewing on an orange.

Maybe it’s the tomatoes, as plump and troublingly ripe as Apollonia Vitelli, that bring me back to my little home town of Fiumefreddo di Sicilia and the sea at Catania. Some people say that, as we became increasingly Americanized and my family embraced all that Nevada represents, we gradually lost our connection to our Italian culture and values. But this oregano-fueled course says otherwise.

This recipe is great for large events, like weddings and first communions! 
Another special ingredient for me is my husband’s Genco Pura Olive Oil. To this day, I’m so proud of how he built such a thriving small business in the cutthroat world of the import/export industry. And I just loved going back to Sicily and enjoying quality family time there as we took in the sights and supported Vito as he avenged the deaths of his father, brother, and mother in one sharp, shockingly extensive swipe of a knife. 

For the adventurous, consider adding some guanciale into the mix—just like my good friend Luca Brasi, it adds a fatty and flavorful element to the mix. Or, in honor of Frankie Pentageli (may he rest in peace), you can splash the whole mixture with a dash of fine red wine. 

So, here’s the recipe:

Ingredients
1 ½ pounds eggplant
Genco Pura Olive Oil as needed (at least 1/2 cup)
Salt and pepper
1 tablespoon chopped garlic (use a shaving razor to finely chop)
3 or 4 dried chiles
1 ½ pounds tomatoes, chopped 
1 teaspoon good dried oregano, or 1 tablespoon fresh
1 pound long pasta
½ cup chopped parsley or basil
½ cup grated ricotta salata (or in a pinch, pecorino Romano)
1 orange (for zesting)

Preparation

Step 1
Slice the eggplant about 1/2 inch thick. Cook in abundant olive oil, without crowding, sprinkling with salt and adding more oil as needed. Cook until the eggplant is nicely browned and soft. I know when it’s done after I’ve repeated the names of my enemies five times: Sollozzo, Tattaglia, Barzini, Roth, etc. Remove to a plate; do not drain on paper towels. Meanwhile, put a large pot of water to boil and salt it.

Step 2
After cooking the eggplant, the pan will ideally have a couple of tablespoons of oil left. If there’s more or less, drain some off or add a bit—your husband should be able to give you a seemingly endless supply. Turn the heat to medium, add the garlic and chiles, and cook until the garlic colors a bit. Add the tomatoes and oregano, along with some salt and pepper (shout “Carmela Corleone says hello” while you do it); cook until saucy but not too dry, stirring occasionally.

Step 3
Cook the pasta until tender but not mushy. While it’s cooking, cut the eggplant into strips and reheat for a minute in the tomato sauce. Drain the pasta and, bada bing, toss it with the tomato sauce and the eggplant. Taste and adjust the seasoning, then top with the parsley and/or basil, orange zest, and grated cheese, and serve.

Let’s use the de-aging technology from The Irishman to see if Larry King has always looked that way

No child should be able to live and die in the United States today without knowing, once and for all, if Larry King has always looked like Baby Yoda in suspenders. That’s why Left on Read is calling on CNN to use the de-aging technology from The Irishman to see if Larry King has always looked that way.

For too long have we wondered what the nation’s most-trusted interviewer and worst tweeter would look like as a young man. Would it be like if you stretched a white raisin thin, then gave it Buddy Holly glasses and a wife who’s half its age? Or would it be like if we CGI’d Ryan Gosling’s face over Mark Zuckerberg’s body and had it lob softballs at a recently me-too’d celebrity? We deserve to know. 

We have the technology. Thanks to noted Marvel truther Martin Scorsese, we have the power to de-age stars like Robert De Niro to see what a young mobster would look like. It’s time we use Netflix’s unholy power for good. And if Scorsese wants to set this de-aged Larry King on a Rolling Stones–scored montage of cocaine abuse and paisley ties, well, then that’s his right.

CNN, please. Let. Us. Use. The. De-aging. Technology. From. TheIrishman. To. See. If. Larry. King. Has. Always. Looked. This. Way.

Tracking Kanye’s Descent Into Whatever This Is, Through References To Him

2010: “Who you are is not what you did, you’re still an innocent” – Taylor Swift. Kanye’s not named in the song but, more than anything, that’s a statement of his presence. He doesn’t need to be named, because at that moment there could be no other “you” in the world. The song itself is either a well-intentioned forgiveness ballad or a patronizing bless-your-heart, depending on your perspective. But either way, it reinforced Kanye as one of the most relevant figures in American pop culture.

2014: “I wanna be like Kanye, I’ll be the king of me always” – The Chainsmokers. This is Kanye at his cultural peak. To be like Kanye was not just to be a musical success—it was to be a king, someone who transformed anything they touched. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, and was loved for it.

2016: “I met Kanye West, I’m never gonna fail” – Chance the Rapper. Perhaps the last time that Kanye’s name was uttered with such pure hope and exuberance, merely standing in Ye’s presence is a fulfillment of a very specific version of the American Dream. The deification of Kanye, which he would lean into heavily in subsequent years, was in full swing by 2016.

2016: “Kanye West” – Young Thug. This isn’t a lyric and Kanye isn’t actually mentioned in the song, but the track is named after him. Originally the song debuted as “Pop Man” and by the time Thugger’s album arrived it had been renamed “Elton John.” He would later change it to honor Kanye, reminding us that at his peak Kanye was unquestionably on the same tier as Sir Elton.

2018: “Thank you Kanye, very cool” – The 1975. Dripping with contempt, the Liverpudlians reduce Kanye to the role he’s played in the rise of American neofascism. As his actions got stranger and darker, a mention of Kanye was no longer a way to personify concepts of freedom and glory. In just two years, he’d been transformed into a one-line summation of the collapse of civil society.

2019: “Kanye West is blonde and gone” – Lana Del Rey. There’s nothing but pity in this line, a song-closing throwaway alongside “LA is in flames” and “Hawaii just missed that fireballs.” But the pity isn’t so much for him—he seems happy with himself!—as it is for the rest of us who lost an icon somewhere along the way. And with the word “gone,” Lana seems to say that he’s becoming the only thing he’s ever feared: irrelevant.

Aaaaanyway, RIP Kanye.