College football’s video game is coming back! Will the players get paid? Probably not! Aside from rectifying a system that profits off of the unpaid, mostly non-white labor pool of college football players, here is our wishlist that we’d love to see in the new game:
- Newly improved post-game interviews with 1,000+ pre-programmed excuses from Dabo Swinney.
- MyMovement Mode: Do you have what it takes to form a student-athlete union that will be recognized by the NLRB? Or would you rather use the vast array of institutional wealth and power at your disposal to crush a rising labor movement? Whether you’re notorious Pinkerton Pat Fitzgerald or a scrappy upstart who just wants to get paid for his name and likeness, the future of the sham of amateurism is in your hands.
- You can write customized death threats to the Alabama kicker if he misses a game-winning kick.
- WR #5 Wheel Route now 20% more effective.
- Enhanced school finances—don’t even think about digging FSU out of its self-imposed hole until you can find a booster willing to pay off two coaches’ buyouts at the same time.
- More Lane Kiffin. Less Mike Leach.
- As head coach, you can now be de-platformed by the student body of your school.
- Dozens of new celebrations, including the Florida Shoe Launch.
- If you win enough bowl games in Dynasty Mode, you get a wildly undeserved Presidential Medal of Freedom.
- You can only play games with PAC-12 teams between the hours of 10pm and 3am ET.
- EA Sports has partnered with Amanda Gorman to provide a spoken word tribute at the beginning of any Rivalry Game. If you thought you couldn’t be driven to tears by a lyrical ode to the Iron Skillet, the trophy given to the winner of Southern Methodist vs. Texas Christian, you’re wrong.
- Some new liberties are taken with the general science around how pathogens spread.
- They made it so you can’t play as Boston College anymore, just to see if anyone will notice.
- Every three years Baylor gets expelled but HOOOO BOY those years in between.
- Public approval in Ann Arbor about Jim Harbaugh is programmed to decline 8 to 10% each year, depending on how badly the Wolverines lose to Michigan State.
- You get the Turnover Chain when you play as Miami until about the 40th season, when Miami is submerged by rising sea levels.
- Every school is sponsored by Jumpman except Michigan. They’re a Skechers school now
- Oddly enough, you can still play as Penn State. It’s just allowed.
- You can now choose from a list of preselected social causes to replace “EA Sports” when you turn the game on, so the game offers intros like “Black Lives Matter: It’s In The Game,” or “Minimizing the Budget Deficit: It’s In The Game.”
- Penix Enlargement
- After considerable public pressure, the game finally has an intoxicated Matthew McConaughey streak at about one of every twenty Texas games.
- You get to shave Trevor Lawrence’s head if you want.
- It has Pat McAfee now. Sorry.
- An all new alternative reality where Hugh Freeze isn’t like that.
- Nothing can stop you from giving Coastal Carolina the championship berth it deserves. Go ahead, try it.
- Brent Musberger provides 45 minutes of gambling tips before each game. You can’t skip this part.
- There’s no more pandemic but the coaches are still wearing masks under their mouths, just for the hell of it 🙂
- If you play a Mascot game, hit up + B + left trigger for the Stanford Tree to sack tap Big Red.
- You lose a coupla points every time your coach thinks a racial slur (they do NOT say them out loud).
- All Georgia QBs are named either Travis Hunter or Hunter Travis.
- After the game it tells you which players stormed the Capitol.
- You can have a female kicker, but the option is only available when your team sucks so much ass that you don’t ever actually get within field goal range.