Proposed new features of the EA Sports college football game

College football’s video game is coming back! Will the players get paid? Probably not! Aside from rectifying a system that profits off of the unpaid, mostly non-white labor pool of college football players, here is our wishlist that we’d love to see in the new game: 

  • Newly improved post-game interviews with 1,000+ pre-programmed excuses from Dabo Swinney. 
  • MyMovement Mode: Do you have what it takes to form a student-athlete union that will be recognized by the NLRB? Or would you rather use the vast array of institutional wealth and power at your disposal to crush a rising labor movement? Whether you’re notorious Pinkerton Pat Fitzgerald or a scrappy upstart who just wants to get paid for his name and likeness, the future of the sham of amateurism is in your hands.
  • You can write customized death threats to the Alabama kicker if he misses a game-winning kick.
  • WR #5 Wheel Route now 20% more effective. 
  • Enhanced school finances—don’t even think about digging FSU out of its self-imposed hole until you can find a booster willing to pay off two coaches’ buyouts at the same time.
  • More Lane Kiffin. Less Mike Leach.
  • As head coach, you can now be de-platformed by the student body of your school.
  • Dozens of new celebrations, including the Florida Shoe Launch.
  • If you win enough bowl games in Dynasty Mode, you get a wildly undeserved Presidential Medal of Freedom.
  • You can only play games with PAC-12 teams between the hours of 10pm and 3am ET. 
  • EA Sports has partnered with Amanda Gorman to provide a spoken word tribute at the beginning of any Rivalry Game. If you thought you couldn’t be driven to tears by a lyrical ode to the Iron Skillet, the trophy given to the winner of Southern Methodist vs. Texas Christian, you’re wrong.
  • Some new liberties are taken with the general science around how pathogens spread.
  • They made it so you can’t play as Boston College anymore, just to see if anyone will notice.
  • Every three years Baylor gets expelled but HOOOO BOY those years in between.
  • Public approval in Ann Arbor about Jim Harbaugh is programmed to decline 8 to 10% each year, depending on how badly the Wolverines lose to Michigan State.
  • You get the Turnover Chain when you play as Miami until about the 40th season, when Miami is submerged by rising sea levels.
  • Every school is sponsored by Jumpman except Michigan. They’re a Skechers school now
  • Oddly enough, you can still play as Penn State. It’s just allowed.
  • You can now choose from a list of preselected social causes to replace “EA Sports” when you turn the game on, so the game offers intros like “Black Lives Matter: It’s In The Game,” or “Minimizing the Budget Deficit: It’s In The Game.”
  • Penix Enlargement
  • After considerable public pressure, the game finally has an intoxicated Matthew McConaughey streak at about one of every twenty Texas games.
  • You get to shave Trevor Lawrence’s head if you want.
  • It has Pat McAfee now. Sorry.
  • An all new alternative reality where Hugh Freeze isn’t like that. 
  • Nothing can stop you from giving Coastal Carolina the championship berth it deserves. Go ahead, try it.
  • Brent Musberger provides 45 minutes of gambling tips before each game. You can’t skip this part.
  • There’s no more pandemic but the coaches are still wearing masks under their mouths, just for the hell of it 🙂
  • If you play a Mascot game, hit up + B + left trigger for the Stanford Tree to sack tap Big Red.
  • You lose a coupla points every time your coach thinks a racial slur (they do NOT say them out loud).
  • All Georgia QBs are named either Travis Hunter or Hunter Travis. 
  • After the game it tells you which players stormed the Capitol.
  • You can have a female kicker, but the option is only available when your team sucks so much ass that you don’t ever actually get within field goal range.

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