An Ode to the Neck Mask Heroes

Here’s to you, heroes of the pandemic. To those who bravely slip their masks off their mouth and nose to cover their necks. To those who do this for us. Those who know the true risk to public safety emanates from the skin on the neck and sacrifice for the greater good.

You see them out, in the city, heroes walking among the public. They heeded the clarion call of Fauci and Birx, acquiring facial coverings designed to stop the spread and save us all. But they went one step further—they knew that if covering their face and nose was good, then surely not doing that and instead covering their neck was better.

And so we look to these neck mask heroes as beacons of hope in times of unrivaled peril. “The helpers,” as Fred Rogers once said. Look for them. Those we need but don’t deserve. Those who hear the cheers at 7pm and know that a grateful city is thinking of them.

Thanks are not enough, but they are all we have. So to everyone who bravely and boldly freed their mouths from the confines of the mask in order to cover their disgusting, virus-filled necks, we say as one: thank you.

What My Current Most Commonly Used Phrases Meant, Six Weeks Ago

  1. I’m not touching that unless you promise me it was recently bleached. We’re gonna do buttstuff now.
  2. Yeah, my parents are social distancing right now. Trial separation 😦
  3. Oh I LOVE Dr. Fauci! Dr. Birx is cool too for sure, but Fauci just slaps. I’m going to put some shitty EDM for you now, and you’ll have to pretend you know these DJs.
  4. I’ve been in isolation for the past week, so that’s good. I’m at the “acceptance” part of my mental health spiral.
  5. Let’s flatten that curve!! I am the world’s most insensitive abortion provider.
  6. Did you break down the lipid envelope while you were in the bathroom? Which drugs were you mainlining next to the toilet?
  7. Hey everyone, please don’t bring up Imperial College tonight; we’re trying to make this a safe space. I am extremely woke and understand that imperialism was bad.
  8. Who wants to do a Google hangout on Friday? Orgy time 🙂