What My Current Most Commonly Used Phrases Meant, Six Weeks Ago

  1. I’m not touching that unless you promise me it was recently bleached. We’re gonna do buttstuff now.
  2. Yeah, my parents are social distancing right now. Trial separation 😦
  3. Oh I LOVE Dr. Fauci! Dr. Birx is cool too for sure, but Fauci just slaps. I’m going to put some shitty EDM for you now, and you’ll have to pretend you know these DJs.
  4. I’ve been in isolation for the past week, so that’s good. I’m at the “acceptance” part of my mental health spiral.
  5. Let’s flatten that curve!! I am the world’s most insensitive abortion provider.
  6. Did you break down the lipid envelope while you were in the bathroom? Which drugs were you mainlining next to the toilet?
  7. Hey everyone, please don’t bring up Imperial College tonight; we’re trying to make this a safe space. I am extremely woke and understand that imperialism was bad.
  8. Who wants to do a Google hangout on Friday? Orgy time 🙂

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