Welcome to the Bet On Yourself Sportsbook

The sports books are open in Illinois and in Michigan, but there are no sports. So who better to bet on now than yourself? Welcome to the Bet on Yourself Sportsbook, where the only limit to your action is your actions. 

Will You Email Your Landlord About That Thing? 
Yes: +450
No: -450

How Long Will Your Duolingo Streak Last?
Over: 8 ½ days
Under: 8 ½ days

Will She Text You Back?
Hell Yes My Guy: +120
Nah Gtfo: -120

Over/Under Number of Times You Masturbate While on Self-Quarantine
Over: 12 ½ 
Under: 12 ½ 

Will You Get a Promotion Before December 31, 2020? 
Yes: +220
No: -200
Lol whoops you don’t have a job any more: +1350

Parlay Time! 
Hit Your Goodreads Challenge for Books Read in a Year: -150
Avoid Fighting With Your Uncle on Facebook: -115
Write a tweet that gets 20 likes: +150
Finally get a six-pack: +250
Overall Payout: $100 pays out $2,626.45

Email Delay Apologies, in Order of How Much You Hate the Recipient

1. “I’m so sorry for the delay. I thought I replied already.” This is an okay person. You may genuinely be sorry.

2. “Sorry for the delay. Just catching up on my inbox.” You feel nothing for this person. You do feel mildly remorseful about not replying sooner, but you also intentionally ignored this email when you saw it.

3. “Hey, sorry. Just getting to this.” You don’t care for this person. If given the choice between a phone call and in-person meeting, you push for email.

4. “Sorry, just seeing this.” This person annoys you and you have intentionally put off replying for as long as possible. You may have considered leaving a negative review about this person on their company’s Glassdoor profile.

5. “Sorry for the wait. The first email somehow wound up in my spam folder.” Fuck this person. You have literally masturbated to the idea of this person being removed from your life. Nobody’s email ever “winds up” in your spam folder. This is you subtly telling them you think they are trash.