Movies Coming Out In 2021, Ranked By How Much They Will Test My Resolve To Not Be A Complete Moron And Go See Them In Theaters

2020 was not a great year for the film industry. The problems started in March, when movie theaters closed due to Covid-19, and continued all the way through late December, when we all realized that, despite our highest hopes, The Irishman would not end this calendar year. 

For moviegoers, all we have left is to look forward to the bevy of exciting movies coming out in 2021. Here are a few of them, ranked in ascending order of how likely they are to compel me to be a totally irresponsible dipshit and go sit indoors in a room full of strangers for two and a half hours.

5. Top Gun: Maverick

Haha just kidding. Eat shit, Tom Cruise, you middle-toothed psycho shitweed.

4. Black Widow

Look, I’m pretty careful about Covid-19 precautions. But I’m only human. And when you give me not just a first look at MCU Phase Four, but also David Harbour as what appears to be an overweight, booze-addled Russian superhero has-been, you are basically inviting me to put a couple hours of entertainment ahead of my obvious responsibilities to the health of myself and my community.

3. The King’s Man

The coming prequel, which will round out the spectacularly fun Kingsman trilogy, looks to be a surprisingly dramatic and intense war movie. It has Tywin Lannister, the warlord from Fast 7, and the war hero from Inglourious Basterds AKA the villain from Captain America: Civil War. And I’m supposed to stay at home and acknowledge that my actions have consequences???

2. No Time To Die

James Bond movies were made to be seen in theaters, or otherwise to be binge-watched on Tuesday mornings when you’ve just graduated college and still don’t have a job. This one is no exception. I’d like to be considerate of the world around me, but this movie might tie my hands (and also put me in a chair with the seat cut out and proceed to slap the hell out of my nuts with a rope knot).

1. F9


The Dumbest Possible Lines in F9 If It Goes to Space

In an interview last week, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges let slip a remark that strongly suggested the possibility that the newest installment in the Fast and the Furious franchise, F9, will see our favorite crew of international crime-fighting street racers go to SPACE. This is actually somewhat logical for a series of films that has raised the stakes with reckless abandon in each successive film, though we admit we had hoped they’d wait until the tenth film for the inevitable space excursion so the world could be treated to a barrage of groan-worthy Space X puns.

Throughout the course of the last nine films, the franchise has made a splendid transition from a self-serious homage to Los Angeles street-racing culture to a rollicking, self-aware half-caricature-half-tribute to the action movie genre. However, the series has never completely uncoupled itself from the corniness of the earlier installments, so if F9 does indeed take our favorite Family to space, we can expect some absurdly bad dialogue to surround the adventure. Here are a few lines we think we might hear in the film:

DOM: You know, my pops always told me to shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, he said, you’ll land among the stars.

ROMAN: We’re going to SPACE? Hell yeah, baby! I’ve always wanted to see some of them good-lookin’ alien bitches!
TEJ: [rolls eyes]

JOHN CENA’S CHARACTER: Just because there’s no gravity in space doesn’t mean you can’t get a little……..Attitude Adjustment

TEJ [TO ROMAN]: No one can hear you scream in space, so maybe we’ll finally get one quiet moment from your dumb ass.

LETTY: You know I’d ride with you to the end of the Earth…
DOM: We may need a little more than that this time.

ROMAN [to Ramsey]: Come on, baby, look. I could take you anywhere. [points to Earth from space shuttle] You wanna go to that place there? I’ll take you there.
TEJ: That’s North Korea. You’re gonna take her to North Korea?