Movies Coming Out In 2021, Ranked By How Much They Will Test My Resolve To Not Be A Complete Moron And Go See Them In Theaters

2020 was not a great year for the film industry. The problems started in March, when movie theaters closed due to Covid-19, and continued all the way through late December, when we all realized that, despite our highest hopes, The Irishman would not end this calendar year. 

For moviegoers, all we have left is to look forward to the bevy of exciting movies coming out in 2021. Here are a few of them, ranked in ascending order of how likely they are to compel me to be a totally irresponsible dipshit and go sit indoors in a room full of strangers for two and a half hours.

5. Top Gun: Maverick

Haha just kidding. Eat shit, Tom Cruise, you middle-toothed psycho shitweed.

4. Black Widow

Look, I’m pretty careful about Covid-19 precautions. But I’m only human. And when you give me not just a first look at MCU Phase Four, but also David Harbour as what appears to be an overweight, booze-addled Russian superhero has-been, you are basically inviting me to put a couple hours of entertainment ahead of my obvious responsibilities to the health of myself and my community.

3. The King’s Man

The coming prequel, which will round out the spectacularly fun Kingsman trilogy, looks to be a surprisingly dramatic and intense war movie. It has Tywin Lannister, the warlord from Fast 7, and the war hero from Inglourious Basterds AKA the villain from Captain America: Civil War. And I’m supposed to stay at home and acknowledge that my actions have consequences???

2. No Time To Die

James Bond movies were made to be seen in theaters, or otherwise to be binge-watched on Tuesday mornings when you’ve just graduated college and still don’t have a job. This one is no exception. I’d like to be considerate of the world around me, but this movie might tie my hands (and also put me in a chair with the seat cut out and proceed to slap the hell out of my nuts with a rope knot).

1. F9

THE IDIOTS FROM THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS FRANCHISE ARE GOING TO SPACE! I REFUSE TO NOT BE A DICKHOLE!!! 

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