Goodreads is the Best Social Media App

Goodreads is the best social media app. Sorry flickr or medium or whatsapp or whodunnit or whatnot, but Goodreads is so good it should be called Greatreads. Weather Channel app? Uh, looks like a big front of fuck you is rolling in—Left on Read stans Goodreads as the best app of all time.

What other app lets me subtly perform my own wokeness (why yes I did just recently finish How to Be an Antiracist, and of course I gave it 5 stars) while judging others for their hollow performity or failure to even try (The Help: The Book???). And what other piece of technology can give me a sense of what percent of a book I’ve gotten through—something that, before the Goodreadaissance, I had to figure out by flipping to the back of the book every five minutes. Sure it might be owned by Bad Bad Daddy Bezos, but as far as I can tell Goodreads hasn’t influenced an American election or been a Trojan Horse for Chinese spyware. 

Goodreads is an app that reminds me how many of my acquaintances are over-achieving nerds who like to announce how many books they want to read in a year to strangers. But it can simultaneously tell me how many of those dweebs are also willing to broadcast to that same audience that they have thoroughly enjoyed Jock Blocked (“She can’t let him score…”). 

At Goodreads’ best, it promotes an almost unqualified good (reading). And even its worst elements (reducing the complex nuances of a piece of art down to a five-star rating system; the incessant gamification of everyday activities) aren’t the worst examples that we’ve seen from apps such as Robinhood or Yelp. With Goodreads, I don’t have to like other people’s activity. And I don’t have to worry about whether other people have liked the fact that at some point I intend to read The New Jim Crow (yes I know I’m at least five years past due on this). Better yet, I can shout into the newsfeed void that, yes, I have read all seven Harry Potter books, and also yes, I think they’re excellent—all without having to go on Twitter to catch the latest updates from the TERF-war front

At the end of the day, Goodreads is all that I want out of a social media app: A nerd’s hot-or-not ranking of all of literature, combined with a way to judge the people who voluntarily give their time and money to the Ayn Rand estate. And that’s a beautiful thing. 

Movie Pitches for a Post-Pandemic World

60*: In the 2020 pandemic- and labor-unrest-shortened MLB season, the White Sox went 60–0 en route to their first World Series victory since 2005. But should their incredible season have an asterisk next to it? From producer Barack Obama and the guys who brought you Fever Pitch comes the sports movie from an era when we worried we’d never have sports again.

Jumanji 5: There’s no alternate world, but they play a board game, which is pretty fun.

The Newest Wes Anderson Movie [working title: The Sunnyside ICU]: What, you think that just because there’s a global pandemic, Wes Anderson can’t make another movie? You don’t think he can just walk into someone’s house, paint everything in pastels and make things symmetrical and well-lit? Fuck you. (Starring Jason Schwartzman.)

I Know What You Did Last Summer 2: A psycho murderer stalks a group of teens who spent the summer of 2020 ACTING LIKE EVERYTHING WAS NORMAL, NOT SOCIAL DISTANCING, HAVING PARTIES INDOORS, SPREADING THEIR IDIOT GERMS EVERYWHERE.

You Stupid Motherfuckers: This is just three and a half hours of Dr. Anthony Fauci personally and repeatedly insulting the American people (directed by Scorsese, obviously).

Shooting Blanks: A heartwarming rom com about LeBron James, a generational talent on the court who has his last shot at winning one final NBA championship. But you’ll never guess who his team signs—his nightmare ex! Premiering on the Hallmark Channel this August.

Quaranteam: OK, hear me out—it’s six conventionally attractive white people who live in a massive apartment in the Village, and buddy let me tell you, they get into some serious HIJINKS during their time in quarantine (they fuck).

Imagi-nation: A gutsy documentary following that time The Celebs sang at us for some reason, culminating in an emotional debut at the Toronto Film Festival.

A Quiet Place Part 3: It’s quiet because we’re all dead!

Untitled Harry Potter Prequel: In which J.K. Rowling reveals that the founders of Hogwarts were all anti-vaxxers. (Also that Helga Hufflepuff had an IUD.)

La La La La Land: The President spends every minute of every day singing incoherently to avoid learning about all of the people dying. The choreo is sub-par because only white straights are allowed to help on the film.

There Used To be 50: A touching tribute to the former state of Florida, written and directed by Pitbull. 17 Oscars, a clean sweep.