It seems that the Democrats can’t unite behind one candidate. Bernie’s too old, Biden’s too creepy, Warren’s too lefty, Mayor Pete’s married to an aspiring Instagram influencer, Klobuchar’s too angry, Michael Bennet’s apparently still in the race. But for some reason, nobody is talking about the perfect candidate, one that encompasses all the most salient liberal values: my labrador retriever, Gator.
Let’s start by addressing the elephant in the corner: yes, Gator is a male. I know. I want to see America’s first female president in my lifetime, too, and I will gladly support any woman with the Democratic nomination who isn’t named Tulsi Gabbard. But this election is more important than any in post–Civil War American history, and we need a candidate who will win and bring the liberal agenda to the executive branch, and then bring the branch back to me. Gator is that candidate.
Gator would be a spectacular steward of Democratic policies. As a survivor of a harrowing wave of government-subsidized canine genital mutilation that struck suburban Colorado in the 1990s, he is adamantly pro-choice. He believes in decreasing unemployment rates, as long as every household has at least one person at home at all times. He pledges to increase funding to municipal services and has a plan to have a fire hydrant on every street corner by 2022. And he’s great on foreign policy, too; just last week, he said in an interview with Michael Barbaro that the assassination of Qasem Soleimani will almost certainly result in a cyberattack reprisal, proliferation of Iranian nuclear programs, and a general destabilization of the Middle East.
As important as his policies are, he also needs to be reliable during the general election, because nobody knows what sorts of curveballs will come careening at him from the right. That’s perhaps the most compelling argument in favor of Gator: he is absolutely gaffe-proof, because we put him down ten years ago this April.
I already know the next word to come out of your mouth: “Electability.” I appreciate the strategic mindset, but, to be frank, the mere discussion of electability here is a little offensive. Do you really think America isn’t ready for a president that is overweight, a dog, and a decade into the afterlife? Look, we simply cannot decide the Democratic candidate based off our impressions of what center-left and center-right voters want! It’s time to take control of the liberal movement and elect a candidate who really embodies this nation, and also the dwindling vestiges of my childhood.
I mean, he’s a yellow lab. How much more American can you get? He is the dead dog equivalent of a prosperous small business owner whose parents came over from Eastern Europe with only the clothes on their backs. But even more agreeable to Americans. Think a prosperous small business owner whose parents emigrated from Northern Europe.
I’m not going to argue that Gator is perfect. He was dumb as a box of hammers, and he really lost control of his bowels in his sunset years. But think about all the upsides! He has no opposable thumbs, so he can’t tweet. He doesn’t even know what a quid pro quo is. He could get a White House dog and look after him as his own dog.
Democrats, the choice is clear. Vote Gator for President in 2020. And for VP, honestly I think Steve Bullock.