Pwoké Bowls: Refreshing Bowls for the Performatively Woke

Welcome to Pwoké Bowls, proudly serving performatively woke twists on a Hawaiian classic since 2008. Here’s this week’s offerings of the dishes that we’re not going to follow through on: 

Kamal-ahi Harris

  • Californian mild rice 
  • Sweet onions
  • Exculpatory-document-shredded carrots
  • Avocado
  • Item discontinued for lack of customer interest

Momé Bloggé 

  • White rice
  • Sashimi
  • Facebook post in Comic Sans MS about own courage in talking to people of other races while on the Buttigieg campaign trail.
  • Sliced radish
  • Hawaiian roll

Oberge-don’t-fall-for-it v. Hodges

  • Syrupy sweet soy sauce
  • Grating-Scalia-Dissent ginger
  • Drizzled with a light, hollow pastiche that won’t protect your broader rights to be free from discrimination in any meaningful way
  • Edamame
  • Upgrade to a size XL serving of Anthony Kennedy’s self-aggrandizement

The Choomwagon

  • Green onions
  • Snowflake triggerfish
  • Comfortably living with the legacy of Obama’s deportation policy and reliance on drone warfare
  • Pineapple
  • Toasted, organically sourced hemp seeds

Ally & AJ

  • Handbag hot sauce
  • Gochugaru
  • Trail of tumblr posts that cite bell hooks
  • Yellowfin tuna
  • JK Rowling Clapback Cucumber Water

The Vibe-Rater

Peloton Husband

In which we provide a vibe-rating of people’s vibes:

  • Kamala Harris: her vibes are… BAE AF 🥰. We as a nation absolutely LOVE a woman who gives up her ambition.
  • Peloton husband: his vibes are… CHILLLL . Dude seems like a really good hang, nothing psycho happening here!
  • Laura Dern: her vibes are… MY WIIIIIIFE . This one isn’t a joke, she is my betrothed. The ceremony was at halftime of a Chicago Bulls game and Baby Yoda officiated. It was beautiful, thank you.
  • Prince Andrew: his vibes are… BRUHHHH 🤦‍♂️. Literally all you had to do—for the entirety of your life—was, like, not this.
  • Tua Tagovailoa: his vibes are… RELATABLE KING . Who among us has never carried a group project, just to watch it all fall apart the moment you step away.
  • Spotify: her vibes are… CLINGY ❌. Lol you’ve been tracking my music for a literal decade? Soooo obsessed with me haha you creep lol, but no like what are you doing later?