the only correct responses to hearing folklore

it is the summer of folklore and we are *feeling* things. t-swift has dropped an emotion bomb, and while our response has been to sob into a decaying oak tree, that may not be your vibe. however, there are certain reactions to this woodsy attack on the heartstrings that are more appropriate than others. here are the twenty-three definitively correct things to do after listening to folklore:

  1. calling your high school ex, begging them to get back together, fifteen years later
  2. diving headfirst into a murky bog and proclaiming it as your new home
  3. screaming, “why don’t you look at me like you used to?!?” at your mailman
  4. renting a 2006 honda civic for an unnecessarily cramped make out session
  5. getting a bob, regardless of whether you have the face shape for it
  6. editing every profile photo you’ve ever uploaded to be black-and-white
  7. listening to early lana del rey and whispering and pointing out all areas where taylor has now done it better
  8. muttering, “i gave so many signs” whenever you’re asked to repeat yourself
  9. calling your high school ex to tell them you hate them now more than ever, then hanging up and blocking their number
  10. replacing all of your summer tops with cardigans and embracing the sweltering heat because suffering is love
  11. cyberbullying inez
  12. buying a baby grand piano that literally can’t fit in your apartment
  13. carrying out an illicit affair, but, like, sadly
  14. authoring a hamilton-esque chilean historical musical titled “my tears, pinochet”
  15. calling your high school ex and crying, “was it true???” over and over, at a higher emotional pitch each time, until they finally say, “yes.” it does not matter if they know what you’re asking about
  16. getting in a fight with bon iver
  17. installing a screen door in your fifth floor walk-up, just to be able to slam it
  18. saying “fuck” in dulcet tones
  19. increasing the thickness of various sweaters
  20. allowing august to slip away like a bottle of wine
  21. legally changing your name to betty 
  22. holding grudges, tenderly
  23. chamomile

Introducing: Google

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, huh? One day, you’re carelessly walking down the street singing Lana del Rey. The next day you find out that DESPITE Green Book winning Best Picture, racism is APPARENTLY still a thing??? It’s wild. At times like these, you instinctively want to turn to your friends who are knowledgeable about what’s going on to get support. However, after realizing your friends are pretty fucking white, you have decided to turn to an even better source of support: That one black person from your junior year English class that you’re pretty sure you worked with on a group project. You ask them everything, from where to donate, to how to protest, to how to define the word “systemic”. And UGH (!!!) they’re all like, “I’m sorry, but I do not have time to talk to you about this and also I wasn’t in your English class.”

Well, despite their selfishness, I have good news for you: I have discovered a new tool that will help answer all of your pressing questions. Introducing: Google.

For the uninformed, Google is an A-MAZ-ING thing on the internet that lets you discover relevant information. From “What is racism?” to “Are you sure I can still be a racist if I like the movie Barbershop?”, Google is a gateway to sorting out all of the questions that are driving you crazy, but you can’t seem to find a black distant acquaintance to answer. Best of all, Google will connect you with a bunch of other crazy new tools that can help fill in your knowledge gaps—like Reddit, for finding out whether you can be a furry and a racist at the same time (you can!), or Twitter, for discovering whether people will threaten a hate crime on a public forum (they will!).

During this uncertain time, we are all looking for answers. With Google, you have that knowledge at your fingertips. Now, go forth and educate yourself—then spend twelve times as much time repeating and iterating the small bit of knowledge you learned. We’re counting on you. 

Indie Girl Covers Of Classic Songs That We Aren’t Saying Are BETTER Than The Original, Per Se, Just… Ya Know… Different

Tracking Kanye’s Descent Into Whatever This Is, Through References To Him

2010: “Who you are is not what you did, you’re still an innocent” – Taylor Swift. Kanye’s not named in the song but, more than anything, that’s a statement of his presence. He doesn’t need to be named, because at that moment there could be no other “you” in the world. The song itself is either a well-intentioned forgiveness ballad or a patronizing bless-your-heart, depending on your perspective. But either way, it reinforced Kanye as one of the most relevant figures in American pop culture.

2014: “I wanna be like Kanye, I’ll be the king of me always” – The Chainsmokers. This is Kanye at his cultural peak. To be like Kanye was not just to be a musical success—it was to be a king, someone who transformed anything they touched. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, and was loved for it.

2016: “I met Kanye West, I’m never gonna fail” – Chance the Rapper. Perhaps the last time that Kanye’s name was uttered with such pure hope and exuberance, merely standing in Ye’s presence is a fulfillment of a very specific version of the American Dream. The deification of Kanye, which he would lean into heavily in subsequent years, was in full swing by 2016.

2016: “Kanye West” – Young Thug. This isn’t a lyric and Kanye isn’t actually mentioned in the song, but the track is named after him. Originally the song debuted as “Pop Man” and by the time Thugger’s album arrived it had been renamed “Elton John.” He would later change it to honor Kanye, reminding us that at his peak Kanye was unquestionably on the same tier as Sir Elton.

2018: “Thank you Kanye, very cool” – The 1975. Dripping with contempt, the Liverpudlians reduce Kanye to the role he’s played in the rise of American neofascism. As his actions got stranger and darker, a mention of Kanye was no longer a way to personify concepts of freedom and glory. In just two years, he’d been transformed into a one-line summation of the collapse of civil society.

2019: “Kanye West is blonde and gone” – Lana Del Rey. There’s nothing but pity in this line, a song-closing throwaway alongside “LA is in flames” and “Hawaii just missed that fireballs.” But the pity isn’t so much for him—he seems happy with himself!—as it is for the rest of us who lost an icon somewhere along the way. And with the word “gone,” Lana seems to say that he’s becoming the only thing he’s ever feared: irrelevant.

Aaaaanyway, RIP Kanye.