The GOP Isn’t Allowed to Appoint a New Justice, Because They Promised They Wouldn’t

Since RBG passed on Friday, there’s been much speculation about whether the GOP would attempt to fill her seat on the Supreme Court before the election. But what some prognosticators seem to forget is that they can’t do that because they promised they wouldn’t.

So that should put an end to that! 

This Kitten Is So Cute That You Might Forget that Democracy Is Literally at Stake

OMG. Look at this tiny wittle kitty cat. Just one look at those sweet, caring eyes is almost enough to distract you from the fact that our sitting president is literally using a deadly pandemic to keep people from voting. Almost. But those pawsies! Oh the biscuits they will knead. That biscuit making is so much more fun to watch than watching the Senate’s majority party literally do nothing as millions are disenfranchised by systematic destruction of voting rights. Do you think this kitty witty would tear-y wear-y the Voting Rights Act apart like Mitch McConnell? I sure don’t think so. This little fluffer surely wouldn’t stick its tiny nose up when told that silence is compliance when it comes to the slaughter of black people. Even it knows better than that, because it’s a lovely little sweety and not a careless piece of human shit. Good job, kitty. At least you can do the bare minimum. 

FAQs for the Self-Quarantiner

Q: Should I email my neighbors about the excessive noise they might hear as I jump around because of the fitness app I downloaded? 
A: Oh, you lift?

Q: Why did I buy so many beans?? I don’t eat beans!
A: Eat your fucking beans.

Q: Can I have a little doorknob lick? As a treat? 
A: No!!

Q: Why was Amy Adams’ character in Her? She seemed pretty unnecessary?
A: Your guess is as good as ours. 

Q: Am I no longer practicing social distancing if, while working out, I jump so hard that I open up a hole in the floor, causing me to fall approximately 8 feet into the living room below me and onto my neighbor’s portly 7-year-old as he plays Boggle? 
A: This is a meet-cute.

Q: Can I commit a crime and use social distancing as an excuse to not let the police in? 
A: Only if Anthony Fauci said you could.

Q: Can I complain about my neighbors smoking weed?
A: Fuck off dude, stand by your fellow man. 

Q: How stocked up on pickles is too stocked up on pickles?
A: Too much is never enough.

Q: Exactly how disinfected does an orgy need to be for it to be acceptable? 
A: As long as assholes are bleached, you should be good.

Q: When the fuck will I get to watch Fast 9 in theaters?
A: Not soon enough… not soon enough.

Q: Do I have to have my video on while using Zoom?
A: Only if more than 40% of the participants are also sharing video.

Q: What is Pep Boys doing in response to the COVID-19 outbreak? 
A: Furloughs!

Q: Can someone please take some of these beans!!!
A: No, eat up bean boy.

Q: How many people need to get infected before I can get hella racist about it?
A: Go lick a doorknob, asshole.

Q: How long does it take for Amazon to deliver a 14th-century bird doctor mask?
A: Not as long as it will take for the package to sit in your front hallway while you wait for the virus to fall off it and die. 

Q: Will my gimp mask protect me?
A: Not if you’re using it the right way 😉

Q: Okay, I’ll just be direct here: how much is the Social Security burden going to be lightened?
A: On advice of counsel, we have redacted this answer.

Q: Asking for a friend: Can anyone sneeze in Mitch McConnell’s face, just for fun?
A: Oh hell yeah. Especially if you’re showing symptoms.

Q: I stayed inside today, am I a hero? 
A: Yes, you make healthcare workers look like lazy pieces of shit!