Marvel Superheroes, If ESPN Was Introducing Them


  • From Queens, NY
  • Does whatever a spider can
  • Raised by single aunt in a 625 sq ft apt
  • Sticky hands
  • Parents dead!!

Captain America

  • Benches 625 raw (550 power clean)
  • 102 years old, making him the oldest Avenger in this year’s draft
  • Blue collar, red-and-blue-shield type player
  • Player comparison: a white one

Black Panther

  • From island nation of “Africa”
  • Cat-like reflexes
  • Grew up poor, we assume
  • High school coach describes him as: “natural talent, a freak athletically, incredible specimen”


  • God of thunder
  • Dead mom!!!
  • Averaged 11.6 YPC in 2019
  • Coach’s son
  • Three-time consensus all-MVC
  • New England will make him play wide receiver
  • [Brent Musberger voice] Have you seen his girlfriend?


  • Five-tooled, six-infinity-stoned player
  • Has all the measurables
  • Working to support his adopted daughters
  • Generational talent who plays well in space
  • Can take out half the opposing team


  • Recorded 27 sacks in 1.5 games for Harvard
  • Abusive father 😦
  • Described as “gym rat” by gamma ray lab tech

Iron Man

  • Locker room guy
  • High IQ 
  • Cerebral
  • Overcame debilitating and, frankly, embarrassing addiction issues


  • Tremendous upside
  • Saw a man do a drug once!
  • Lived in a van 
  • Tweener
  • Sneaky athletic