Introducing: Google

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, huh? One day, you’re carelessly walking down the street singing Lana del Rey. The next day you find out that DESPITE Green Book winning Best Picture, racism is APPARENTLY still a thing??? It’s wild. At times like these, you instinctively want to turn to your friends who are knowledgeable about what’s going on to get support. However, after realizing your friends are pretty fucking white, you have decided to turn to an even better source of support: That one black person from your junior year English class that you’re pretty sure you worked with on a group project. You ask them everything, from where to donate, to how to protest, to how to define the word “systemic”. And UGH (!!!) they’re all like, “I’m sorry, but I do not have time to talk to you about this and also I wasn’t in your English class.”

Well, despite their selfishness, I have good news for you: I have discovered a new tool that will help answer all of your pressing questions. Introducing: Google.

For the uninformed, Google is an A-MAZ-ING thing on the internet that lets you discover relevant information. From “What is racism?” to “Are you sure I can still be a racist if I like the movie Barbershop?”, Google is a gateway to sorting out all of the questions that are driving you crazy, but you can’t seem to find a black distant acquaintance to answer. Best of all, Google will connect you with a bunch of other crazy new tools that can help fill in your knowledge gaps—like Reddit, for finding out whether you can be a furry and a racist at the same time (you can!), or Twitter, for discovering whether people will threaten a hate crime on a public forum (they will!).

During this uncertain time, we are all looking for answers. With Google, you have that knowledge at your fingertips. Now, go forth and educate yourself—then spend twelve times as much time repeating and iterating the small bit of knowledge you learned. We’re counting on you. 

The Search for the Worst Coronavirus Take

Historians by and large agree that when Thomas Paine said “these are the times that try men’s souls,” he was talking about the bad tweets that bad people are tweeting about the coronavirus. This is known, but the real question is… what’s the worst coronavirus take out there?

Below are a few contenders, from some of the worst minds online.
*spends the next seventy years developing a time machine*

*travels back in time to D-Day*

*runs gasping to the shores of Normandy, shouting “one day basketball will be superseded by a global pandemic”*

*Dwight Eisenhower himself shoots me for being an annoying little bitch*

*I die happy*
Ah yes. If we vote for leftists we might end up with a future as awful as the present. This is galaxy brain stuff and I, for one, stan it.
This is the dude who wore a gas mask on the floor of the House as a joke. Now he’s going on state news to make the world’s worst ok boomer joke. There’s nothing all that offensive in this joke, but he’s terrible and his eyes are creepy and I’m pretty sure he was supposed to be in quarantine?
Calling the novel coronavirus “China Virus” is so vile, bigoted, xenophobic, and disgraceful that only someone whose face is 20–30x too small for his head (or someone who was selected by the electoral college to run the world) could say it. Putting that aside for a moment — we’ll come back to it — the great news he’s accusing the media of hiding is… THREE PEOPLE have recovered, out of thousands of confirmed cases? That’s the definition of dystopian nightmare fuel. Speaking of nightmares, Charlie Kirk is a racist piece of shit :).
Folks, what the fuck are we even doing here? This is some absolutely wild mashup of liberal nostalgia porn and a misplaced desire for THE GUY WHO DID KATRINA TO COME HANDLE THIS CRISIS. 
But we know there are worse takes out there. Please send them our way, we need something to sustain in these trying times. 

Headlines We’d Definitely See If Trump Literally Just Tweeted All The Racial Slurs He Knows

Journalists have been at the front lines of countless pitched battles during the Trump administration, bringing light to corruption and transparency to government. But also, they did this

So it’s worth asking: how would they handle their greatest test of all? How would our beloved free press respond if the president tweeted “ATTENTION: I’m gonna tweet out all the racial slurs I know (THREAD 1/)” and then proceeded to do just that? We have some ideas:

  • “In latest racial controversy, backers see Trump exercising free speech” – The New York Times
  • “Barr: Kanye said he could” – The Wall Street Journal
  • “#StandWithTrump trends as thousands tweet racially tinged epithets in solidarity” – The Washington Post
  • “Dems fret free speech controversy puts Massachusetts in play for 2020” – Politico
  • “Racist country’s racist president tweets racist things” – BBC
  • “COURAGE: Pres. Trump takes on corrupt civil rights industry” – Fox News
  • “Obama’s hip hop barbeque STILL didn’t create any jobs” – Fox Nation
  • “I…worked on this story for a year…… and he… he just tweeted it out” – 
  • “Good.” – Breitbart
  • “Undaunted by the Trump supporter we saw on the freeway last week, we bravely condemn Trump’s tweets” – Deadspin
  • “I mean, let’s at least hear him out” – Financial Times editorial board
  • “YASSSS KWEEN: Hillary issues epic clapback, calls on users to report Trump tweets to proper authorities” –
  • “Celtics practice ends six minutes early” – The Boston Globe
  • “Opioids now account for 100% of county deaths” – Youngstown Herald