The phrase “stick it where the sun don’t shine” is officially out of date. From the monsters who brought you juice cleanses and shoving crystals in your vagina (@Goop. Hi, Gwyneth), we now have perineum sunning. Yes, the hottest trend is treating your butthole with the power of the sun.
Now before you go join the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, allow us to help clarify some initial questions you may have, like “Why?” and “No? No. NO.” This tragicomic trend began on the Instagram account @ra_of_earth, where “Ra” (which is apparently a reference to the Egyptian God of Sun and not a description of how your butthole feels after perineum sunning) showcased three of his friends/followers/burnt asshole brothers really *clears throat* opening themselves up to the power of the sun. Since then, hundreds of people have “found the light,” claiming such benefits as heightened libidos and energy boosts stronger than any cup of coffee (Editor’s Note: Wonder if they have tried pouring hot coffee up their assholes. I imagine it would give them quite a jolt).
If you’re a very generous soul, you’re probably wondering by now, “Is this bad for you?” And if you’re like us, you’re asking yourself, “Should I convince my terrible ex-roommate to try this and post about it on Instagram?” The answer to both questions is a definitive YES. Shockingly, directing UV rays straight at your taint is not a super good idea. In the face of questions about this new trend, advice from the medical community has ranged from “Plz don’t” to “Are you telling me I went $300K into debt to be forced to remove carcinoma from an asshole?”
Whether all of this has left you praying for a stray meteor or you’re reading this ass up in the front of your apartment complex, there is really only one truth we must accept: I guess this is a thing now.