We asked our film critic to review CATS and we’re pretty sure he did THE LION KING instead but it was vague enough that we couldn’t be sure

GUYS. THIS MOVIE. Okay first, we have to talk about the CGI. I mean… their eyes. THEIR EYES. It’s haunting and frightening, but not really in a beautiful way? Like it’s more of a “we decided this movie needed to cost 250 million USD so that if it makes less than 1 billion USD we all get fired” kind of way.

But it’s not all bad. Just look at the star-studded cast. It’s got Emmy winners and Oscar winners and Tony winners (probably… I’m worried if I google the Tony’s I’ll get targeted ads for sequined dinner jackets for the rest of my life). Folks, it’s more A-list talent than my 8th grade birthday party when one of the popular kids came by for a minute.

And of course, the plot is one we all know and love. There’s betrayal and character growth and lengthy dancing montages—and, as required by federal law, a weirdly sexualized feline. It is EVERYTHING fans are looking for in a family film this year.

And then there’s the nostalgia factor. Maybe you first saw the tale on Broadway. Maybe you’ll prefer the 90’s version. But no matter what, we can all agree that this whole thing was very strange and probably unnecessary. Now, to take a big gulp of my covfefe and check out the latest Kanye new–

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