What Are Consultants Doing During the COVID-19 Pandemic?

If the Jason Reitman classic Up in the Air and vague conversations with friends’ boyfriends have taught us anything, it’s this: consultants spend the vast majority of their time getting rich for doing nothing—and they spend the rest of their time unnecessarily firing people. With COVID-19 destroying the national economy, the meat of their jobs is now very sadly being done for them. This has left us to wonder: What are our useless consultants doing during this crucial time in American history? Here are 12 guesses.

  1. Seriously thinking about joining a non-profit before doing cocaine off a marble countertop and smacking their own ass
  2. Asking daddy Goldman if they should buy masks for their money
  3. Kicking themselves for not stockpiling hand sanitizer to sell for a sweet, sweet profit
  4. Compounding interest
  5. Worrying this will finally be the moment everybody realizes we should pay teachers more and not give $130K to a fresh econ grad just because he’s really good at two Excel reports
  6. Circling back
  7. Taking advantage of Brooks Brothers’s limited-time 30% off sale.
  8. Spontaneously Facetiming acquaintances about an amazing opportunity to get on the ground floor of their new start up
  9. Bathing in Purell 
  10. Whispering “ew” into their N95 masks every time they walk past a poor on the street
  11. Touching base
  12. Praying to God to let their grandparents die for the sake of the stock market

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