If the Jason Reitman classic Up in the Air and vague conversations with friends’ boyfriends have taught us anything, it’s this: consultants spend the vast majority of their time getting rich for doing nothing—and they spend the rest of their time unnecessarily firing people. With COVID-19 destroying the national economy, the meat of their jobs is now very sadly being done for them. This has left us to wonder: What are our useless consultants doing during this crucial time in American history? Here are 12 guesses.
- Seriously thinking about joining a non-profit before doing cocaine off a marble countertop and smacking their own ass
- Asking daddy Goldman if they should buy masks for their money
- Kicking themselves for not stockpiling hand sanitizer to sell for a sweet, sweet profit
- Compounding interest
- Worrying this will finally be the moment everybody realizes we should pay teachers more and not give $130K to a fresh econ grad just because he’s really good at two Excel reports
- Circling back
- Taking advantage of Brooks Brothers’s limited-time 30% off sale.
- Spontaneously Facetiming acquaintances about an amazing opportunity to get on the ground floor of their new start up
- Bathing in Purell
- Whispering “ew” into their N95 masks every time they walk past a poor on the street
- Touching base
- Praying to God to let their grandparents die for the sake of the stock market
Left on Read 