Category: Coronavirus

Soul is the best movie of the pandemic

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With all due respect to Palm Springs, Pixar’s Soul is the best movie to come out during the pandemic. 

I’m still not quite sure how a media Death Star like Disney ended up producing one of the most internal, challenging movies I’ve ever seen and that dwells on subject matter that’s often way too difficult to confront (What is our purpose in life? How do you live a meaningful life? Why are the New York Knicks the way they are?). But I’m glad that they did, even if it reduced me to an existential puddle who also weeped openly about a character who is a talking cat. 

Did the joke about the lost soul of a day trader hit entirely too close to home? You’re gosh darn right it did. And did I ball my eyes out during the final montage of the main character’s life? Hoo boy. 

One of the things that has stuck with me most about Soul, however, is the idea of finding your spark. It feels so especially salient now, nearly a year into a pandemic that (at least for me) has caused me to go through entire life cycles of hobbies in search of my own (my sourdough starter ended shortly after the Trump presidency; I never did finish that 1,000-piece puzzle; I’ve been producing fewer and fewer listicles for this eminent newsletter, etc. etc.). And what about all of us who derive energy and inspiration from the very people we’re not able to see right now? 

As awed as I was by Soul’s discussion of capital-D Difficult concepts about life, death, and the meaning we find in between, I think I got just as much out of its exploration of Joe’s love of jazz and what it means to pursue your ambition by immersing yourself fully in what brings you joy (and the ways in which that dedication can hamper other parts of your life). And on top of that, it was worth it just for the reminder to take a breath and look around you—which, in Soul, was a New York City that looked more real than any movie set in NYC that I’ve seen since Spider-verse. 

So for me, Soul is on the Mount Rushmore of pandemic movies, right up there with Palm Springs and whatever else you happened to have streamed this year (Tenet? Chicago 7? Mank? Sure, go ahead, so long as it’s not The Midnight Sky). One month of Disney+ is worth it to watch Soul and then binge as many of the Mighty Ducks movies as you have the appetite for. 

Superheroes for 2021

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Superheroes are created to match the needs and wants of their audience. At their best, comic heroes shed light on the difficulties people are facing and provide a medium through which the audience can imagine overcoming that adversity. Captain America was created as wish-fulfillment for anti-isolationists hoping to punch Hitler right in the kisser. The X-Men comics, despite their mayonnaise-white cast of original heroes, were born out of the momentum of the civil rights movement, a stand-in for the discrimination faced by black and brown Americans and a representation of what it takes to keep fighting through adversity. And Punisher arose from the innate desire of every person to become Batman, juxtaposed against the fact that becoming Batman involves way more money anyone could reasonably have—so hey, why not buy a fuckton of guns and fucking shoot everybody? Okay, that one is a little less idealistic. 

The of-the-moment inspirations for our most iconic superheroes makes you wonder: what type of superheroes are going to be born out of this flaming shitnugget of a time? We did our best to answer. 

Captain Exhale: Able to breathe comfortably through any mask, Captain Exhale can powerfully walk through densely populated buildings, burst through crowded subways, and even carefully avoid strangers on the sidewalk while maintaining a calm, even breath. 

Video Woman: It’s a sociopath! It’s a living zombie! No, it’s Video Woman, capable of withstanding multiple hours bouncing between Zoom, Google Hangouts and Skype for Business without once leaving her mic on mute or dropping her WiFi connection.

The Outsider: When it’s 30 degrees outside and you can’t bear to have another meal trapped in your goddamn apartment, who are you going to call? The Outsider! With her power to turn any outdoor location into a tolerable place to sit for 45 or so minutes, The Outsider is the only hero guaranteed to make you say, “Can I just die here instead of going back?”

Seth Rogen: Look, the bar is really low right now. The power to absolutely roast the fuck out of Ted Cruz every day while still finding the time to make dope pottery is a superpower these days.

Average Boy: No task is too big. No responsibility is too important. When the moment arises, Average Boy will show up and turn in a C-minus effort. And every time, humanity will rejoice because at least someone is doing something. What a hero.

The Worst Ways to Ask Your Wal-Mart Pharmacist For the Vaccy

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  1. In gummy form
  2. Straight to the heart
  3. Infused into my homemade double IPA. Do you want to try my homemade double IPA? Here, I brought some, you should try it. 
  4. Up the peen
  5. Mixed into a large jar of mayonnaise
  6. “So like, ya got doses?”
  7. [opens mouth wider than is normal for a human while maintaining eye contact]
  8. Crushed into a powder and snorted off a framed photo of Tony Fauci
  9. Cooked on a spoon
  10. Eye shots!
  11. Mixed into my ashes and scattered across my step-dad’s 1959 Corvette
  12. One part rum three parts cola one part mRNA two ice cubes
  13. “Huffable”
  14. In a retinoid topical cream
  15. Somewhere crowded, indoors, with poor air circulation
  16. Combined with the pills I take because my dick too big
  17. Poured into this bowl of bat soup
  18. Over dinner on Saturday night, Sandra?

You’re Not Allowed To Worry About What’s In The Covid Vaccine If…

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You’re not allowed to worry about what’s in the Covid vaccine if:

  • You’ve done drugs 🤪🤪
  • You have ever referred vaguely to “a study”
  • Something about vaping!!!
  • You don’t have a history of severe allergic reactions to vaccines or chemicals frequently found in vaccines
  • You are the author of New York Times–referenced book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big
  • You drank a freaking Four Loko!!! 😂😂
  • You were one of the Clemson football players who Donald Drumpf force-fed lukewarm McDonalds to
  • You have played Eduardo Forty Hands
  • You either own a Jay Cutler jersey or have ever watched an episode of Very Cavallari
  • You live a life of sin
  • You were part of the lab of food technicians responsible for the Papa-dilla
  • You smoked the joint that was offered to you by the guy in the Jason Williams Kings jersey during Passion Pit’s set at Lollapalooza 2012
  • You have ever eaten anything purchased at an Arizona Diamondbacks game
  • You don’t brush your teeth and floss before Mommy tucks you into bed 😇
  • You have tried three or more flavors of MD 2020
  • You voted, or thought about voting, or for the briefest moment considered the mere notion of voting, for Tulsi Gabbard
  • You eat ass 😈
  • You’re still in line to vote! Stay in line!

A Step-by-Step Guide to Killing Grandpa

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The air is crisp, the inflatable snowmen are out, and puffer vests have been swapped for puffer coats. Yes, it’s the holiday season — and that means one thing: it’s finally time to kill grandpa. 

The old bastard has been alive long enough, and lord knows that beach house isn’t going to hand itself over. Now, with snow on the ground and disease in the air, it’s time to end things. 

To help you out, here’s our step-by-step guide to killing grandpa this holiday season.

  1. Get yourself a nice indoor meal in the busiest city near you. You can’t go killing grandpa on an empty stomach.
  2. Go to the gym regularly. You’re going to want all your strength to finally do him in.
  3. Don’t wash your hands. What, you can commit murder but you’re afraid of germs?
  4. Take a flight to get to him.
  5. Invite him and all of your relatives to a lovely Thanksgiving dinner, especially the irresponsible ones and the ones who forward chain letters
  6. At dinner, hug him and spend all of your time right by his side
  7. After dinner is over, give one more hug and a kiss on the cheek. Look him right in the face and wish him well.
  8. Wait.

If you followed all of these instructions closely, chances are great that you’ll get the ultimate Christmas present — a dead grandpa! Stay tuned for more to come in our holiday tips series. Next up: how to use the word “hero” charitably instead of doing anything useful!

5 Perfect Halloween Costumes for 2020

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Can you believe that it’s already Halloween next weekend? Between reopening schools and restaurants and fervently arguing over whether what we’re currently experiencing is a “second wave,” “third surge,” or “fifteenth thrust,” it seems that the last two months have just passed us all by. But if you, like so many, are caught unprepared for everyone’s favorite spooky holiday, fear not! We’ve compiled a handy list of the five best costumes for the eeriest Halloween yet.

5. A Cat, But The Kind That Just Stays In The House
Much like diamond earrings or Gregory Peck’s look in To Kill A Mockingbird, the cat costume will never go out of style. This year, add a fun COVID-19 twist by donning your sleekest blacks, painting whiskers on your face, and staying in your goddamn house.

4. A Conscientious Witch
For those willing to go a little “uglier,” you can never go wrong with a witch costume. But spice it up this year by being a witch in your own home, far from other people, because there’s literally no need to put anyone’s wellness in danger! You can find a hat, robe, and prosthetic wart for pretty cheap online, then all you need to do is grab a broom from your cupboard, and then just add the final touch: don’t! leave! your! fucking! house!

3. Elsa, But Only In The Part Of Frozen Where She Goes and Lives Literally Miles Away from the Nearest Person
Ever since Frozen came out a few years ago, the shining blue dress and platinum blonde hair have been one of Halloween’s hottest looks. Of course, you don’t want to be caught with the same costume as someone else at your party, so try adding a unique flourish: don’t go out to fucking parties, you moron! Jesus!

2. “The Last Great American Dynasty,” by Taylor Swift
Honestly, such a great idea. So many ways to interpret it. And stay at home, you dickwit.

1. A Werewolf with Crippling Social Anxiety
If you like fully committing to your costumes, a werewolf costume is perfect for you. Imagine how scary it will be when people see you! But only imagine, because you’re a werewolf with deep-seated social anxiety who hates parties. Guess you can’t go out! That’s really too bad. I guess you’ll have to sit at home and your couch and just watch a scary movie. 

Trump’s Most Likely October Surprises, Ranked

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8. Replacing Mike Pence. If this was going to happen, by the rules it would have to be done at the convention. But the rules* also say you can’t have your attorney facilitate hush money payments to your porn star mistress during a campaign, so I feel like we can’t rule this out. It’s definitely the least likely item on the list, mainly because Trump values loyalty above all else and Pence has been a sycophant’s sycophant for his entire term.
*laws

7. Mass tribunals for BLM protesters. We’ve seen Tennessee announce that engaging in protests would result in a forfeiture of voting rights, and Trump already sent the secret police to create violence in Portland. So they’re not being terribly creative here, just kind of running down a totalitarian checklist for engaging with the opposition. Feels like show trials should come up fairly soon.

6. Banning mail or something. It almost feels inevitable at this point that we’re gonna reach a stage where sending mail items through the USPS is going to be a fierce act of #resistance.

5. War :). Remember how much he loved the fawning media coverage of his Syria strike? Now imagine that, but with a country no one’s ever heard of. 

4. Finding a doctor to claim Biden’s senile. This would probably need to be ginned up in the last few days before the election, so the news media doesn’t have time to dig up “facts” that “show this doctor has never had Joe Biden as a patient” or whatever. But still, it wouldn’t be too hard to find someone to make the claim. Is the devil jizz lady still available?

3. Killing his niece on Fifth Avenue. Experts agree, murdering a woman with a firearm could bring Trump’s GOP approval rating up an extra 3-6 percentage points.

2. Announcing charges/investigation into Biden, Hillary, Obama or, idk, someone like that. Again, this is an authoritarian classic, and Bill Barr has shown a somewhat sexual excitement at the opportunity to serve as Trump’s attack dog. It’s hard to imagine exactly what the charges would be (Did Hillary ever send an email about Benghazi? Could be something there), but that would largely be beside the point. Like Comey’s letter in 2016, the aim would just be to get the name of a Democrat in the news alongside words like “corruption” and “federal charges.”

1. Approving a COVID-19 vaccine. It’s hard to call this one a surprise, really. He’s been telegraphing it for months, and the administration is reportedly targeting the (fairly promising!) Oxford University vaccine. Whether he succeeds in making the FDA actually grant vaccine approval before the election, or just unilaterally announces that we have a vaccine now, I have absolutely 0% doubt that Trump is going to claim there’s a COVID vaccine by election day. And honestly I just hope there’s even a crumb of truth to it.

The Worst Wedding Toasts of 2021

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Now that a glut of wedding celebrations have been pushed back to next year, we’re facing an unprecedented wedding season in 2021. Here’s the worst wedding speech lines we can expect in the year to come:

“At first, I thought we should take a global pandemic as a sign that the universe didn’t want these two to get married. In fact, I was grateful that Kelly would be forced to spend twenty months together with Ted before making the worst decision of her life. But I’m glad they soldiered through.” 

“May you two deal with adversity far better than the former presidential administration.” 

“And if you ever lay a finger on my daughter, I’ll come to your house and cough in your throat young man.” 

“If these two can survive quarantining together in a New York City walkup for 9 months, then what can’t they accomplish?” 

“Jen is so much prettier than your previous wife, who tragically passed away from massive respiratory failure last April. Wow, pretty fast on the uptake there, Mark.”

“At first, as Heather’s roommate, I was a little worried when she started bringing Jeff around. I mean, had this guy even been tested? Was he hanging out with other people? But then Jeff tested negative for COVID-19 (still waiting for that syphilis test to come back though, haha), and he turned out to be the most loving, thoughtful man not named Anthony Fauci. But Heather, don’t think that just because you’re married now that our nights of socially distanced rosé are over!”

“Margaret is so much prettier than your previous wife, Janis, who divorced you after quarantining 9 months together in a New York City walkup. Wow, pretty fast on the uptake, there, Steve.”

“I’m glad that you two can put an end to all that social distancing tonight, if you know what I mean. No but seriously this couple can get freakier than the toilet paper line at Costco during the first day of a stay-at-home order.”

“Folks, did you see that ring that Brett bought? I know that saving three months worth of salary is a little outdated, but man those $600 relief checks sure go a long way.”

“My sister Rachel is an absolute saint. While some of us continued partying in New Orleans weeks after the virus hit, there was good old Rach, calmly explaining to me that I needed to wear a mask if I wanted Aunt Carol to make it to the wedding tonight. Everybody, give it up for Aunt Carol, who survived 18 months in isolation in her Seattle nursing home to be here!”

“Dave, you are the Joe Exotic to my Travis Maldonado.”

“We’re so delighted those of you with antibodies were able to make it to our celebration. Thank you for getting tested in advance of our big day. We never thought we’d enjoy having a wedding with four guests so much!”

“I knew John had found the love of his life when he named his sourdough starter after Katie. Let’s raise a glass that their love continues to rise forever.”

“By the time Michael agreed to meet in person and take his mask off after all of our Sip n’ Zoom Thursdays, I didn’t even CARE what he looked like anymore. I was just ready to be touched again.”

“Sam, you are the missing jigsaw piece in my life, unlike the final piece to our Monet water lilies puzzle we started in March and couldn’t finish because the dog you fostered ate it.”

“Just look at the way these two stare at each other: like Nicolas Maduro stares at hydroxychloroquine tablets.”

“I hope these two have an amazing time in their honeymoon to the only nations that are letting Americans in right now: Albania, Belarus, and Belize!”

“Joshua, love is like the WHO: it’s a powerful bond that can only be broken when one party unilaterally prioritizes its own autonomy over the common good.”

“Aren’t we grateful that the airline industry survived this so we could all be here in Hawaii together to celebrate Chad and Melissa’s big day?”

“Kiki, don’t forget to wash all of those gifts in boiling water, let them rest in your garage for 24 hours, and sanitize them with Clorox wipes and bleach. You can never be too careful these days!”

“When Lisa asked me to write this speech, I googled the definition of ‘pandemic.’ It means ‘an outbreak of a pandemic disease.’ And that’s what Lisa and Jeff’s love is like.”

“In case you were wondering—yes it’s DEFINITELY a quarantine pregnancy.”

Trump’s COVID Response Is Reaganism Defined

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On Oct. 15, 1982, President Reagan’s press secretary was asked about a newly discovered virus that was in the midst of devastating certain subsections of American society. The room laughed, the questioner persisted, and the official White House response to the disease was “I don’t have it, do you?”

The virus was HIV, and that reaction would set the tone for the federal government’s reaction over the ensuing decade. They ignored the deadly disease as it ravaged communities from coast to coast, because the people who were being killed were people they didn’t care about. Largely gay, often urban and poor, sometimes sex workers—these were not lives the White House felt mattered, or at least not enough to protect.

Fast forward 28 years, and President Trump’s administration has perfected the Reagan model of pandemic response. 

At first they ignored the virus, only taking action if it could be done in a jingoistic fashion. They declined to institute a national test and trace program when one could have still saved us. They waved it off, claiming it might disappear on its own or suggesting mass suicide via bleach injection if we were worried about it. Then once they realized it was disproportionately killing Black, Brown, and poor communities, they encouraged states to lift lockdowns—knowing full well this would spread the virus—and steadfastly refused to promote masks that might have helped at least slow the devastation.

And when the deaths skyrocketed again (as every epidemiologist, virologist, and human with an ability to gather news from anywhere besides QAnon fanboards knew they would)? President Trump did Reagan proud, declaring “it is what it is.” 

As if having a 9/11’s worth of excess human death every 2.5 days was just a fact of life. One happening outside the realm of administration actions and consequences. 

So it’s worth remembering as “decent” Republicans loudly proclaim they want to return to a pre-Trump era of compassionate conservatism, that none of this has ever been terribly compassionate. Not to the most marginalized communities, and not to the groups that were abandoned by their country in the ‘80s and are being abandoned by their government right now. 

Twelve Things Less Cute Five Months Into Quarantine

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Do you remember mid-March? Oh, those were the days. Stockpiling two weeks of toilet paper like we’d only be trapped inside for AT MOST three weeks, and posting photos of our medicare bread. What a time. Now, five months into what is either definitely the home stretch or the beginning of our lives hermetically sealed in our apartments for the rest of forever, this whole experience has become a little less novel. Here are twelve things that are way less cute five months into the endless quarantine. 

  1. Sourdough Starter: The sourdough starter may have died, but something in there is alive, purple, and growing. I don’t think it would be happy if I tried to bake it. 
  2. Avoiding People on the Sidewalk: I would trade my big toe to casually bump into a stranger without fear.
  3. Zoom Backgrounds: No amount of pretending to be on the Death Star during video conferences will suppress the desire to force-choke anyone who requires cameras to be on for every meeting.
  4. Drinking Alone: FaceTime happy hour turns into private sad five-hour and it is ~not chill~ anymore.
  5. Baking as Therapy: Eating your feelings is not sustainable for this much time with this many feelings to eat. I have gout. 
  6. Donald Trump being President: lol remember when Republicans were like, “OMG shut up it’s not like he’s going to kill everyone. Remember when Obama wore a tan suit?” Well I hate to say we told you so but 163,000 people are dead and this is not a joke and it never was a joke jesus christ. Get this man into a retirement home where he can spend time with his favorite person, woman, man, camera, and TV.
  7. Retail Therapy: The only thing less fun than getting fat and sad is getting fat, sad, and poor. 
  8. Not Being in Crowds: I will pay you to graze my ass like we’re in a cramped space just so I can feel something, anything.
  9. Cutting Your Own Hair: U-G-L-Y you ain’t got no alibi YOUR HAIR IS FUCKED UP.
  10. Working on the Couch: BRB Googling, “Can you develop scoliosis by sitting hunched forever?” 
  11. Living in a State of Perpetual Panic: Hahah is this literally ever going to end? No, seriously. Someone tell me. This was cute when it was all like, “We’re all in this together, let’s all applaud for the working poor being forced to risk their health or starve.” (Editor’s note: This was not cute.) Now though, I’m about one more stalled relief bill from flying to DC and spitting directly into Mitch McConnell’s mouth to finally get results on whether I have COVID on a reasonable timeline. Remember when you would debate with your friends on who would last longest in a zombie apocalypse? Well it’s not me, and it would be pretty nifty if we don’t have to put those theories to the test. 
  12. Not Going into the Office: JK this one still rules. You fuckers will never see me in-person again if I have anything to say about it. Deuces.