Things We Used to Worry About that Don’t Seem that Bad Anymore

Do you remember just a few short months ago, when the president wasn’t tweeting toward the brink of a civil war (or at least not as explicitly) and somehow—impossible as it may seem—there were other things we worried about? Us too.

Let’s remember some scary things from the very recent past that just don’t hit the fear factor like they used to.

  • Romaine lettuce
  • Vaping
  • Gluten
  • Lupus (it’s never Lupus)
  • Sitting
  • Carbs
  • Crabs
  • Nightshades

Yep, what we wouldn’t give for those halcyon days when the only warnings we got from the CDC were about eating romaine lettuce from certain farms. At least we have our nostalgia to give us comfort, because the sight of National Guard tanks rolling down our street sure doesn’t. 

The NHL’s 24-Team Playoff and the Importance of Ostracizing Losers

National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman announced this week that the league had decided upon an adjusted playoff format in light of the regular season being cut short by COVID-19. Instead of the usual format—a 16-team, 4-round tournament with Best-of-7 series—this year’s playoff will expand to 24 teams, so as not to exclude teams just outside the playoff bubble when the season was interrupted. This means that of the 31 teams in the NHL, only seven teams will fail to make the playoffs. And boy, do those seven teams really, really suck.

We hope that this move by the NHL is the first step in a new direction that professional sports league should have taken long ago. Perhaps, at long last, sports will stop focusing so much on glorifying the winners and begin devoting themselves a little more to ostracizing and embarrassing the losers.

I already know what you’re thinking: sports have always been about celebrating the victors, ever since the Roman chariot races, or the ancient Greek Olympics, or that game that Turkic tribes play that’s like polo but the ball is a goat carcass or something. Many people believe that this is the inherent purpose of sports—to celebrate excellence and achievement. 

However, that isn’t quite the truth. Sports leagues are increasingly moving the emphasis away from rewarding greatness and toward forcing enormous shame upon the last-place finishers. Take, for example, my fantasy football league (yes, I am adopting a slightly liberal definition of “sports” here). There’s a modest prize for winning, of course. Maybe $100 or so. But the real goal is not to lose. If you lose, you have to dedicate yourself to a punishment that will take up huge swaths of your time and energy, and a chunk of your dignity that you will never get back. And that’s where the incentive lies. You’re not going to spend a couple hours tinkering with your line-up every week so you can maybe win $100 at the end of the year; you’re going to spend a couple hours tinkering with your line-up every week so you aren’t forced to watch every existing episode of The Good Doctor and write a summary of each episode.

Hopefully, the NHL is headed in the same direction. Let’s celebrate the team that wins the Stanley Cup, but let’s also talk loudly and at great length about how shitty your team has to be to miss a 24-team playoff in a 31-team league. Better yet, let’s have them do a seven-team loser’s bracket, so we can assert with absolute certainty that the Red Wings are the worst team in the league. Hell, why not tack on some individual awards? Everyone who cares about hockey should know the name of the person with the lowest plus/minus in the league, or the goalie with the most goals allowed per game, or the coward who has the fewest penalty minutes. (On second thought, the Lady Byng already recognizes the last one.)

Sports aren’t about winning, and they aren’t about pushing the limits of human achievement. They’re about shitting on people. We hope that with the 24-team playoff in the NHL, more people will begin to realize this fundamental truth.

QUIZ: The 1975 Lyric, or Classic Teen Movie Quote?

1. “She can’t be what you need if she’s seventeen.” 

2. “I’m in love with Jesus Christ.”

3. “What happens to us in the future? Do we become assholes or something?” 

4. “We’re all human, we’re just like you man.”

5. “Who allowed you to be this beautiful?” 

6. “I don’t want your body, but I hate to think about you with somebody else.”

7. “Who needs affection when I have blind hatred?”

8. “Ugh, as if.” 

9. “Love yourself like someone you love.” 

10. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” 

11. “You’ve got a beautiful face but nothing to say.” 

12. “I want to go to the rooftop and scream ‘I love my best friend Evan!’”

13. “You just write about sex and killing yourself and how you hardly ever went to school.” 

14. “But the really amazing thing is, it is nobody’s goddamn business.” 

15. “Don’t fall in love with the moment and think you’re in love with the girl.”

16. “Why don’t you speak it out loud instead of living in your head?” 

17. “I just want to let them know that they didn’t break me” 

18. “We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it.” 

19. “I put on this shirt, and I found your smell, and I just sat there for ages contemplating what to do with myself.” 

20. “Do you think they are maybe the same thing? Love and attention?”

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Answer Key
1. The 1975 lyric
2. The 1975 lyric
3. Back to the Future
4. The 1975 lyric
5. Booksmart
6. The 1975 lyric
7. 10 Things I Hate About You
8. Clueless
9. The 1975 lyric
10. The Perks of Being a Wallflower
11. The 1975 lyric
12. Superbad
13. The 1975 lyric
14. Easy A
15. The 1975 lyric
16. The 1975 lyric
17. Pretty in Pink
18. The Breakfast Club
19. The 1975 lyric
20. Ladybird

An Ode to the Neck Mask Heroes

Here’s to you, heroes of the pandemic. To those who bravely slip their masks off their mouth and nose to cover their necks. To those who do this for us. Those who know the true risk to public safety emanates from the skin on the neck and sacrifice for the greater good.

You see them out, in the city, heroes walking among the public. They heeded the clarion call of Fauci and Birx, acquiring facial coverings designed to stop the spread and save us all. But they went one step further—they knew that if covering their face and nose was good, then surely not doing that and instead covering their neck was better.

And so we look to these neck mask heroes as beacons of hope in times of unrivaled peril. “The helpers,” as Fred Rogers once said. Look for them. Those we need but don’t deserve. Those who hear the cheers at 7pm and know that a grateful city is thinking of them.

Thanks are not enough, but they are all we have. So to everyone who bravely and boldly freed their mouths from the confines of the mask in order to cover their disgusting, virus-filled necks, we say as one: thank you.

Cameo Prices That Make Me Sad

  • Aramis Ramirez: $15
  • Kendall Gill: $15
  • Perry Ellis: $20
  • Chip Carey: $25
  • Mia Hamm: $125 (!!)
  • Devin Walker: $10
  • Antoine Dodson: $30
  • Marla Maples: $72
  • Dontrelle Willis: $40
  • Matt Leinart: $85
  • Kato Kailin: $60

I genuinely hope that every one of these people besides Marla Maples and probably Kato Kailin is well.

Who is the real Greatest Basketball Player of All Time?

The Last Dance might be over, but debates about who is the true Greatest Player of all Time will never end. So, do you want to find out who the real GOAT is, once and for all?

Check this out: we’ve assembled two mystery players—both NBA champions on teams that were among the best basketball squads in the league’s history—for comparison’s sake. Which one do you think is the true hardwood legend? 

Who you got? It’s got to be Player B, right? 

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That’s right, Danny Ainge (a.k.a. Player B) is the greatest player of all time, while Michael Jordan (a.k.a. Player A) is a distant second.

The Mormon Mad Dog was a way bigger threat from behind the arc, he was a lockdown defensive guard, and he has the numbers to prove it. And that’s all before we get to his much more impressive baseball career, his considerably better odds for how he will fare in the afterlife, and his success as an executive. The man just knew how to win, whether he was going up against Jordan on the court, taking Jordan’s money on the links, or appearing in any of his six Finals—the same number of Finals that all-timers by the likes of Wilt Chamberlain, Shaquille O’Neal, and Scottie Pippen have played in.

Give it up for the GOAT!

Seven Quick Workouts to Get Absolutely SHREDDED While Protesting Your Local Gym Closure

Blue-state governors HATE us for telling you these seven simple workouts you can do to get ABSOLUTELY JACKED as you gather outside your local government building to protest the stay at home orders that are keeping you out of the gym. 

  1. Looking to spice up your cardio? Add a flak jacket and 30 rounds of ammo on top of your bodyweight to get that heart rate up while you storm the stairs of the state capitol.
  2. Give your shoulders a nice burn by seeing how long you can hold up your “fear is the real virus” sign.
  3. Try some body holds
  4. Don’t forget the breathing exercises—see how much you can breathe onto the neck of the person in front of you at the Home Depot line before they fight you. 
  5. Get your 10,000 steps in by pacing around your apartment. 4  reps of 20 minutes should burn off all the carbs you’ve eaten in homemade sourdough. 
  6. See how many kegels you can pump out for every minute that your Zoom call lasts longer than it should. 
  7. Mental gymnastics aren’t just for your mind! Stay limber by doing pushups as you protest the stay at home orders, because nothing says “gyms should be considered an essential service” quite like doing workouts that can be done in the comfort of your home.

9 Things You Have to Try Before Quarantine Ends

I can’t believe it’s been 12 weeks…wait. I can’t believe it’s been 6 wee… No way. That one’s definitely not right. I can’t believe it’s already Apr—fuck!

I can’t believe it’s been an amount of days or years since quarantine started. Crazy, right? For all of my ups and downs, I do feel truly #blessed at the special things I have been able to experience for the first time during this unprecedented time (@ brands—you feel me). To inspire you, I’ve pulled together some of my favorite moments into this list of the nine things you absolutely have to experience before quarantine ends. 

  1. Crying on a Tuesday afternoon
  2. Crying on a Wednesday morning
  3. Crying on what you thought was a Thursday night but was actually a gloomy Sunday afternoon and then crying because time has no meaning
  4. Eating a pineapple in the park on a sunny day while soaked in tears
  5. Picking up a new hobby, like uncontrollable sobbing
  6. Getting irrationally angry at your dog for saying something rude to you in Spanish then realizing your dog can’t talk and crying from your loneliness
  7. Cleaning the countertops with your tears
  8. Virtual backgammon—it’s pretty fun!
  9. Crying for four hours straight

We’ve Been Here Before

There’s a construction site a block over from my apartment. It’s a full gutting of one of those beautiful Chicago brownstones. You can see straight through; everything but the stairs has been torn seam from seam.

I know this because I stopped to look a few weeks ago. I don’t think it was on one of my quarantine jogs, but it might have been. It was definitely since the weather started to get nicer. I remember thinking how fragile the whole house looked, like you could knock it over with a toothpick. 

Ahmaud Arbery was out for a jog. He apparently stopped at a construction site in the neighborhood too. Video shows a man who may be him entering the site. He looked around. 

Ahmaud Arbery was three years younger than me. I have to use the past tense because Ahmaud Arbery is dead. He was shot to death by Gregory and Travis McMichael, a father and son pair who were recently arrested in the killing. 

This is the part where I mention that I’m white, and Ahmaud Arbery was black, and that—in America, in 2020—is still enough to make the difference between life and death. But you already knew I was white. Not just because of the tone of this newsletter overall, but because you’ve read this piece before. 

You read it after Trayvon Martin was stalked and killed. You read it after Eric Garner died pleading for his life. You read it after Michael Brown was shot to death by a cop who claimed the child looked like a demon. You read it after Tamir Rice, age 12, was killed for playing in the park. You read it after Sandra Bland was hauled off to her death. You read it after Laquan McDonald was shot 16 times, many in the back, 15 minutes from my home. 

There’s a familiar rhythm now to these ungodly slayings. The initial outrage on social media, the chorus of activists and celebrities calling for an investigation at the very least. The authorities making some sort of gesture of goodwill—empaneling a grand jury, signing an arrest warrant, calling in a special prosecutor. Then the backlash, usually from the conservative media echo chamber, explaining what actions are newly capital offenses. 

Then come these columns. Fervent, outraged declarations from white people about these deadly double standards. We white people feel that these things must be said, that silence is complicity. And there’s undeniably some truth to that. 

But it’s what comes next that just destroys me. Trayvon Martin’s killer, acquitted by a jury given stand your ground reminders in their deliberation instructions. Eric Garner’s killer, fired but walking free while the primary witness to the killing is locked up. Laquan McDonald’s killer, given a prison sentence 16 times lower than the sentencing guidelines allowed for. Michael Brown’s killer, free to call the dead kid names to the media. 

So we’ll hope that this time, there will be true accountability. That the justice system will finally act as if all lives matter. But those of us who’ve read these columns before won’t be holding our breaths.

Celebs You’re Gonna Hate Once I Tell You About Their Famous Parents

This week, Mitski was outed by red rose twitter as having a father whose career in international relations potentially involved some illicit behavior. This is what week 8 of quarantine looks like and I for one am HERE for it.

It reminded me a bit of when our generation found out that Ke$ha wasn’t some trailor-trash flunky with an alcohol problem, but was actually the daughter of a famed songwriter and possibly the offspring of Mick Jagger. Or when the next generation found out that Billie Eilesh wasn’t some suburban outcast with an alcohol problem, but was actually the daughter of a (different) famed songwriter. You get the picture.

So at the risk of ruining your perception of these beloved celebs forever, I did a little digging on who else secretly comes from powerful families—and you’re not gonna like it:

  1. Jenna Bush-Hager: You know her as the lovable co-host of the ninth hour of the Today Show, but, ummmm apparently her dad did war crimes too? Not cool, Jenna!
  2. Jamie Lee Curtis: Ok, I know what you’re thinking—her mom, Lindsay Lohan, is a beloved early 2000’s icon. But here’s where it gets weird (or should I say… freaky!!): her actual mom is Janet Leigh. Yes, THE Janet Leigh. That awful, shrill woman who never stopped screaming. Hey, news flash Janet: a little steak knife never hurt nobody!! We HATE Janet Leigh!!
  3. Hermes: Look, we all love the messenger god, and not just for inventing the lyre. But methinks nepotism was afoot (get it?!) in getting him that sweet gig as courier for Mount Olympus. A quick scan of the old resume reveals he had NO prior experience delivering messages for the gods, but he did have a pretty handy connection: his father Zeus! Um, maybe next time let one of us mere mortals have a shot?
  4. Tracee Ellis Ross: Oh my god we GET it, your mom is Diana Ross. Cool. Awesome. But could you maybe try to be a little more original? You literally put “Ross” in your name to remind us all and honestly, it’s cringe.
  5. Kim Jong-un: Ok real talk, fuck this dude’s dad. He wasn’t very “ill” if you get my drift. And then Kim Jong-un comes swaggering in with his dope fits and his sexy haircut, and we’re just supposed to forget about the death camps and the famines? Uh, no way, pal!
  6. Jaden Smith: I’ll give him credit, my guy tried to hide his famous lineage with that nondescript last name, but there’s no denying the resemblance. Jayden is rumored to be the great-great-great-great-grandson of John Smith, a 17th-century English explorer most famous for kidnapping Pocahontas. We hate!
  7. Colin Hanks: He’s best known as Chet’s failed actor brother, but did you know that Colin’s stepmom is actress and singer Rita Wilson?? I bet she gave him all sorts of acting lessons—not exactly fair to the other actors out there!!

Now, it’s not all bad. As a bonus, did you know that Jenna Fischer is Carrie Fisher’s daughter? We absolutely love to see her carrying on her mom’s legacy! ❤