Marvel Superheroes, If ESPN Was Introducing Them

Spider-man

  • From Queens, NY
  • Does whatever a spider can
  • Raised by single aunt in a 625 sq ft apt
  • Sticky hands
  • Parents dead!!

Captain America

  • Benches 625 raw (550 power clean)
  • 102 years old, making him the oldest Avenger in this year’s draft
  • Blue collar, red-and-blue-shield type player
  • Player comparison: a white one

Black Panther

  • From island nation of “Africa”
  • Cat-like reflexes
  • Grew up poor, we assume
  • High school coach describes him as: “natural talent, a freak athletically, incredible specimen”

Thor

  • God of thunder
  • Dead mom!!!
  • Averaged 11.6 YPC in 2019
  • Coach’s son
  • Three-time consensus all-MVC
  • New England will make him play wide receiver
  • [Brent Musberger voice] Have you seen his girlfriend?

Thanos

  • Five-tooled, six-infinity-stoned player
  • Has all the measurables
  • Working to support his adopted daughters
  • Generational talent who plays well in space
  • Can take out half the opposing team

Hulk

  • Recorded 27 sacks in 1.5 games for Harvard
  • Abusive father 😦
  • Described as “gym rat” by gamma ray lab tech
  • He MAJORED! In SCIENCE!

Iron Man

  • Locker room guy
  • High IQ 
  • Cerebral
  • Overcame debilitating and, frankly, embarrassing addiction issues

Ant-Man

  • Tremendous upside
  • Saw a man do a drug once!
  • Lived in a van 
  • Tweener
  • Sneaky athletic

The 10 Best Quotes of The Last Dance, So Far

10. “There’s no I in team, but  there’s an I in win.” – Michael Jordan, when it was suggested that he could have had the ball slightly less often. 

9. “Straight up bitches.” – Horace Grant, describing the dauphin dynasty Detroit Pistons leaving the court without shaking hands after being disemboweled by the Bulls 4–0 in the 1991 ECF. 

8. “Are those the pills you take to keep you short or are those diet pills?” – MJ, a tall king, mocking body positivity icon Jerry Krause. 

7. “They had Craig Ehlo on me, which, in all honesty, was a mistake.” – MJ, 31 years after making a shot over Craig Ehlo. 

6. “Mom and dad, he’s an alcoholic.” – MJ, as Scott Burrell pleads with him to stop bringing up his infidelity and alcohol consumption on camera. 

5. “Michael was like the Pied Piper walking down the Champs-Élysées.” – The late David Stern, slandering MJ with allegations of paedocide. 

4. “Well, I think it’s been pretty easy.” – MJ, as a rookie, when asked about playing in the world’s foremost professional basketball league.

3. “Scottie, ya know, he’s got feelings.” – MJ, talking about the complex mental machinations of the greatest number two of all time. 

2. “I’m not gonna fuck my summer up.” – Scottie Pippen, unveiling those complex mental machinations to be primarily a desire to have a sick, surgery-free hot girl summer. 

1. “That was God disguised as Michael Jordan.” – Former Indiana State University letterman Larry Bird, falsely implying there is a distinction between God and Michael Jordan. 

Hot Takes in Your Area: Are we sure that Joaquin Phoenix is good in Joker?

Guys (and, since this is the Academy we’re talking about, I really do mean “guys”), we need to talk. Are we sure that Joaquin Phoenix is good in Joker?

Two things up front, both of which we can hold in our heads at the same time: First, Phoenix is one of the best actors of his generation (and also probably an alien). Second, Joker is a mediocre movie at best and morally irresponsible at worst. 

But putting all that aside, are we certain that America’s foremost anti-cow-insemination scoundrel was a great actor, much less the ~best~ actor, in Todd Phillips’ gritty Taxi Driver reboot? 

Acting weird doesn’t make you a great actor. If we’re going to give Oscars to off-the-rails performances of characters with a destructive persecution complex, then Adam Sandler would have had himself a night on Sunday. And Phoenix himself has played memorably weird characters in the past but, unlike Joker, all of them had an unmistakable depth and generated unique insight into what it means to be human. I still can’t tell you what half of The Master was about, but I know there was something true about Phoenix’s Freddie Quell. The same goes for his roles in Her, in Walk the Line, hell even in Gladiator

But all those roles had what Phoenix’s Joker didn’t—they were interesting. You trusted that Phoenix didn’t just have a reason why his character was behaving like he was, but that it was a good reason. Even not having a reason at all can be enough, but that wasn’t what we got here. 

Instead, Phoenix’s Joker was a hollow pastiche of victimhood and trauma. Few actors have pushed the envelope quite like him, and he was rewarded for it on Sunday. It’s just a shame that it wasn’t for his best performance. 

WOW: George Lucas’ Jedi Council Predicted the Obama Administration YEARS Before the 2008 Election

Okay guys, check this out. This. Is. Mindblowing. 

Star Wars fans know how much attention and detail George Lucas poured into his art. But I’m guessing that most of you didn’t get this MAJOR easter egg hidden in the prequel trilogy. It turns out that Lucas, by portraying the Jedi Council in Episodes I through III (not to mention other assorted ~not canon~ stories), totally NAILED the Obama administration that would roll into office more than THREE YEARS after the release of Revenge of the Sith

Pretty wild, right? Here’s how we know: 

  • In the prequels, the Jedi Council is portrayed as a group of high-minded and well-meaning libs. A veritable “team of rivals,” if you will. But just as Secretary of States Clinton and Kerry were unable to foresee or prevent the rising trend of nationalism across the globe, the Jedi—despite strong moral superiority and favoritism from the media—were oblivious to the return of the Sith Order happening in their midst.
  • Emperor Palpatine never gained the popular vote, but, like Mitch McConnell, he commanded a disproportionate majority in the Senate. 
  • Yoda is an obvious stand-in for Joe Biden. I mean, both are old, neither can communicate well, and they both just absolutely love reminding you of all the great people they knew in the past. But ask them to stand up and actually do something for once? Whoooaaa, buddy, let’s not take things too fast. 
  • It goes without saying that the Droid Army is a portentous commentary on the tenuous morality of drone warfare. I mean, duh. 
  • I’m not sure how Lucasfilm pulled this one off, but if you analyze the script closely, you can tell that Mace Windu is an amalgamation of all the Crooked Media guys. Just as Mace keeps reminding you that he’s a great swordsman, Jon Favreau, Jon Lovett, and Tommy Vietor keep reminding you that they were in the Obama administration. And let’s not forget that Windu and all those podcasters literally failed to predict the rise of Trumpism/an emperor happening right in front of them, and then were pretty ineffectual at trying to stop it. 
  • Mitt Romney, like Jar Jar Binks, negligently allowed a racist to spew racist theories in support of his campaign and/or empowered an evil lord through democratic channels.

Indie Girl Covers Of Classic Songs That We Aren’t Saying Are BETTER Than The Original, Per Se, Just… Ya Know… Different

The Godmother’s Kitchen: A Pasta alla Norma He Can’t Refuse, by Carmela Corleone

This is an all-time favorite Corleone Family recipe, one that we’ve held dear to us ever since I first came over to America from Sicily. Ah, who can ever forget that trip across the Atlantic. So many faces, so many voices, all looking for a new beginning and prosperity in the new world. We were leaving our homeland in pursuit of the American Dream, a dream as rich and complex as my sautéed eggplant. 

When I make this recipe, it conjures up so many images. But my favorite is of my family gathered around a dinner table. Sonny, young and rambunctious, playfully boxing the air with his fists. Fredo, not far removed from the naked baby that was wailing on my dinner table, trying to make his way in the world. Connie, and whatever good-for-nothing dragged himself to dinner with her. Tom, who I always thought of as a son—maybe more so than I did with Fredo at times, if I’m being honest. Looking back, it seems as if the seeds of what would come to pass with our family were encapsulated on that day. Vengeance may not bring Sonny back to me, but the ricotta salata sure comes close. 


Senator Pat Geary stands for Italian Americans. Show your support by donating HERE!!


Now, every time I bite into a dried chili in this dish, I’m taken back to that table, or maybe even before that (it’s funny how time can fold in on itself, flashing back from the present to the past and back again). Just one bite of acidic tomato cascading over the pasta and I’m on Mulberry Street, listening to Vito, Tessio, and Clemenza plot Don Fanucci’s murder. How piquant, like sprinkling of fresh basil over a warm bowl of pasta.

Personally, I like to spice up this dish with orange zest. Oh how the men in my family love their oranges. Some say they represent mortal danger, but to me, I like to think of my husband’s face as he wandered through the markets in Little Italy, narrowly surviving an assassination attempt, or playing with his grandchild in the shade of his garden, always with an orange close at hand. And I must say, my son does his best revenge-murder work while chewing on an orange.

Maybe it’s the tomatoes, as plump and troublingly ripe as Apollonia Vitelli, that bring me back to my little home town of Fiumefreddo di Sicilia and the sea at Catania. Some people say that, as we became increasingly Americanized and my family embraced all that Nevada represents, we gradually lost our connection to our Italian culture and values. But this oregano-fueled course says otherwise.

This recipe is great for large events, like weddings and first communions! 
Another special ingredient for me is my husband’s Genco Pura Olive Oil. To this day, I’m so proud of how he built such a thriving small business in the cutthroat world of the import/export industry. And I just loved going back to Sicily and enjoying quality family time there as we took in the sights and supported Vito as he avenged the deaths of his father, brother, and mother in one sharp, shockingly extensive swipe of a knife. 

For the adventurous, consider adding some guanciale into the mix—just like my good friend Luca Brasi, it adds a fatty and flavorful element to the mix. Or, in honor of Frankie Pentageli (may he rest in peace), you can splash the whole mixture with a dash of fine red wine. 

So, here’s the recipe:

Ingredients
1 ½ pounds eggplant
Genco Pura Olive Oil as needed (at least 1/2 cup)
Salt and pepper
1 tablespoon chopped garlic (use a shaving razor to finely chop)
3 or 4 dried chiles
1 ½ pounds tomatoes, chopped 
1 teaspoon good dried oregano, or 1 tablespoon fresh
1 pound long pasta
½ cup chopped parsley or basil
½ cup grated ricotta salata (or in a pinch, pecorino Romano)
1 orange (for zesting)

Preparation

Step 1
Slice the eggplant about 1/2 inch thick. Cook in abundant olive oil, without crowding, sprinkling with salt and adding more oil as needed. Cook until the eggplant is nicely browned and soft. I know when it’s done after I’ve repeated the names of my enemies five times: Sollozzo, Tattaglia, Barzini, Roth, etc. Remove to a plate; do not drain on paper towels. Meanwhile, put a large pot of water to boil and salt it.

Step 2
After cooking the eggplant, the pan will ideally have a couple of tablespoons of oil left. If there’s more or less, drain some off or add a bit—your husband should be able to give you a seemingly endless supply. Turn the heat to medium, add the garlic and chiles, and cook until the garlic colors a bit. Add the tomatoes and oregano, along with some salt and pepper (shout “Carmela Corleone says hello” while you do it); cook until saucy but not too dry, stirring occasionally.

Step 3
Cook the pasta until tender but not mushy. While it’s cooking, cut the eggplant into strips and reheat for a minute in the tomato sauce. Drain the pasta and, bada bing, toss it with the tomato sauce and the eggplant. Taste and adjust the seasoning, then top with the parsley and/or basil, orange zest, and grated cheese, and serve.

Let’s use the de-aging technology from The Irishman to see if Larry King has always looked that way

No child should be able to live and die in the United States today without knowing, once and for all, if Larry King has always looked like Baby Yoda in suspenders. That’s why Left on Read is calling on CNN to use the de-aging technology from The Irishman to see if Larry King has always looked that way.

For too long have we wondered what the nation’s most-trusted interviewer and worst tweeter would look like as a young man. Would it be like if you stretched a white raisin thin, then gave it Buddy Holly glasses and a wife who’s half its age? Or would it be like if we CGI’d Ryan Gosling’s face over Mark Zuckerberg’s body and had it lob softballs at a recently me-too’d celebrity? We deserve to know. 

We have the technology. Thanks to noted Marvel truther Martin Scorsese, we have the power to de-age stars like Robert De Niro to see what a young mobster would look like. It’s time we use Netflix’s unholy power for good. And if Scorsese wants to set this de-aged Larry King on a Rolling Stones–scored montage of cocaine abuse and paisley ties, well, then that’s his right.

CNN, please. Let. Us. Use. The. De-aging. Technology. From. TheIrishman. To. See. If. Larry. King. Has. Always. Looked. This. Way.

It’s a Wonderful Life, Reviewed: An Emotionally Abusive Drunk Driver Conspires To Commit Insurance Fraud

There’s nothing better than a holiday classic, and no other movie hits all the high notes quite like It’s A Wonderful Life.

In Frank Capra’s masterpiece, we get all anyone wants in a Christmas movie: a gritty look at a small town loan officer’s slow descent into madness. Who can forget as George Bailey screams and shouts at his children, reducing his wife to tears as he destroys his house in a violent rage? Or the iconic holiday moment as he drunkenly slams his car into a historic tree and promptly flees the scene?

And there’s nothing more festive than a little insurance fraud, right? Well, unless you count insurance fraud with a dash of suicidal thoughts thrown in! Fortunately, this movie gives us all that and more as we witness our hero attempt to fix his company’s books with ill-begotten life insurance payouts.

Of course, the emotional apex arrives when the impoverished townspeople band together to fork over their life savings to George, only to find out that a wealthy benefactor has already covered the costs. George does not return anyone’s money. It’s literally the perfect Christmas classic. 

Love Actually Isn’t NOT About Brexit and Trumpism

Love Actually Isn't NOT About Brexit and Trumpism

Love Actually is a heartwarming tale about people finding heterosexual love in a post-9/11 global order. But, as we start another holiday season, it’s important to remember that the Christmas classic also isn’t not about the rising trend of nationalism, alt-conservatism, and retrenchment from the international, pluralistic values we once held as dear as Emma Thompson. Here’s why: 

  • A globalist cuck (Colin Firth), hopelessly constrained by his effeminacy (turtleneck sweaters), is cast out of England and into the arms of the Continent (Aurélia). 
  • Meanwhile, the virile Hugh Grant becomes infatuated with the white female body (Natalie) and the small-town England she represents (octopus boy). This nationalistic impulse culminates in the prime minister putting his nation ahead of its commitment to foreign allies (Billy Bob Thornton). 
  • A philandering snake-oil salesman wins over Wisconsin (sex-god Colin).
  • The old way is dying (Liam Neeson’s wife), and fake news is propagating (Martin Freeman’s adult film).
  • Not to mention the underlying paranoia about foreign influence, which causes borders to reify and security concerns to escalate (Jojeen Reed running through an airport to send off an immigrant as she’s returning to her home nation). 
  • It’s probably too obvious to bear repeating, but Mia’s “dark corners for doing dark deeds” is a patent head-nod to 4chan. 
  • Laura Linney, much like an England that’s growing increasingly frustrated with the EU’s flagging economies, is tired of dealing with the constant needs of her sick brother (Spain/Greece).
  • The deep state is always watching (wedding videographer) and communicates in nefarious ways (cue cards).