I’m Just A Boy, Standing In Front Of A Girl, Angrily Defending My Sports Gambling Addiction

Look, I get it. I get why you’re unhappy that I had to take you to a “seedy and gross” Irish pub for Valentine’s Day because I didn’t have the money to take you to the nice restaurant where I had made a reservation. And I know you’re especially unhappy knowing that I had the money, but lost it because I put $300 on a three-game NCAA basketball parlay.

But don’t forget: I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Angrily defending my sports gambling addiction.

First of all, don’t blame ME for Louisville absolutely shitting into its slippers against Georgia Tech. I assure you, anyone who knows fucking anything about college basketball would take that bet.

I’m also not sure you quite understand that if I had won this bet, I would have made $1,400. I’m sure that tapas restaurant I made a reservation at is just fantastic, but if Louisville had figured out how to score against the fucking anemic Georgia Tech defense, I could have taken you to SPAIN. I could have gotten you all the tapas you fucking want.

It isn’t MY fault that Louisville decided to choke on ass for no reason. The only thing that’s my fault here is that I promised you we would get goddamn tapas and had you craving a stupid glass of fucking sangría all week. Though you clearly didn’t crave it that much, because the guys at McDuffy’s said they could probably figure out how to whip together a sangría, but you suddenly weren’t interested anymore.

Whatever. It’s fine. I’m sorry you got food poisoning. I did tell you the fish and chips weren’t a safe bet, but that still sucks. I guess we’ve both learned a thing or two about safe bets this week.

QUIZ: XFL Team, or Unlicensed Fictional Football Team?

1. St. Louis Battlehawks
2. Los Angeles Thunderbirds
3. Seattle Dragons
4. Tampa Bay Vipers
5. Memphis Maniax
6. Rapid City Monuments 
7. New York/New Jersey Hitmen
8. Detroit Devils
9. Duluth Bulldogs
10. Dallas Renegades
11. Orlando Rage

12. Dallas Knights 
13. New York Emperors
14. Louisiana Tigers
15. Birmingham Thunderbolts
16. Toronto Roughriders
17. Los Angeles Wildcats
18. Miami Sharks 
19. Las Vegas Aces
20. Orlando Hammerheads
21. Chicago Enforcers
22. Team 9

XFL Team: 1. St. Louis Battlehawks (XFL II), 3. Seattle Dragons (XFL II), 4. Tampa Bay Vipers (XFL II), 5. Memphis Maniax (XFL I), 7. New York/New Jersey Hitmen (XFL I), 10. Dallas Renegades (XFL II), 11. Orlando Rage (XFL I), 15. Birmingham Thunderbolts (XFL I), 17. Los Angeles Wildcats (XFL II), 21. Chicago Enforcers (XFL I), 22. Team 9 (XFL II)

Unlicensed Fictional Football Teams: 2. Los Angeles Thunderbirds (Psych), 6. Rapid City Monuments (The Dark Knight Rises), 8. Detroit Devils (Blitz: The League), 9. Duluth Bulldogs (Leatherheads), 12. Dallas Knights (Any Given Sunday), 13. New York Emperors (Any Given Sunday), 14. Louisiana Tigers (Everybody’s All American), 16. Toronto Roughriders (South Park), 18. Miami Sharks (Any Given Sunday), 19. Las Vegas Aces (Blitz: The League), 20. Orlando Hammerheads (Blitz: The League)

The Cub Fan’s Lament

We swore we just wanted one before we died. We didn’t set preconditions or enter into negotiations. That’s not really how deals with the devil work. We just wanted a World Series title for our beloved North Siders before we passed on — and honestly, if it came a year or two after we croaked that was fine too. For that single trophy, no cost was too high.

And then we got it. Ohhhh boy did we get it. 10 innings of it. Five million people in the streets for it. The miracles and rain delays and David Ross of it. It was all we’d ever dreamed of.

But from the very get-go, we knew what we’d given up. I remember saying the night of Game 7 that in hindsight, I was actually glad that Aroldis Chapman had given up the lead in the eighth inning because it meant that he – fresh off a suspension for domestic violence and seemingly unrepentant – wasn’t on the mound the moment we clinched. He wasn’t in the photos and wouldn’t be remembered as our savior. He could be relegated to the role of a rent-an-arm who had sort of panned out and could now be shipped back to the Bronx.

Fast forward four seasons and things are… blurrier. When the Ricketts family delivered a World Series championship, the love they felt from the city was as overpowering as it was genuine. Perhaps no owners in American sports built up such a vast amount of goodwill in such a short amount of time. And they immediately started spending it.

Consider: 

Now, as the 2020 season approaches, the relationship between ownership and fans has deteriorated even further. Tom Ricketts was booed heartily at the Cubs Convention when he mentioned the yet-to-be-launched Marquee Sports Network, and he seemed genuinely confused by the reaction. Never mind that with less than a month until pitchers and catchers report, 60% of Cubs fans still have no way to watch games. Or that the lucky few who are permitted to watch games will be forced to tune in to a channel owned by the people who did this. What’s not to love? Why are all you booing the nice billionaire?? Where has all the goodwill gone???

The honest answer is that it was spent much faster than anyone could have anticipated. And while the on-field results have been disappointing (at least by the newly high standards of the fans), the reality is that it had little to do with baseball.

The Ricketts have, intentionally or not, carried out a real-time sociological experiment on the importance of local sports teams relative to other issues. Could a trophy paper over the racism and bigotry of those who delivered it? What was more likely to drive action: a desire to see the team in person, or a fear of indirectly funding the president’s reelection campaign? And just how far can you push a group of people, once you’ve given them everything they wanted?

The loser in all of this is, as it always is, the fan. Just three years removed from the highest of highs, Cubs fans are now grappling with questions as basic as whether their team’s professional baseball games will be televised to ones as profound as when to walk away from something you love.

It is, of course, not fair of ownership to do this to the fans. But then, there has rarely been anything fair about being a Cubs fan. So as we enter the twilight of this team’s championship window, Cubs fans are left to grapple with a question that seemed inconceivable just a few years ago: was it worth it?

The 10 Best College Football Games of the Decade

As the decade and the planet come to a close, it’s time to look back on the top 10 college football games of the 2010s. And yes, 70% of these involve Alabama or Auburn. Or both. I’m sorry. I hate the SEC too.

  1. The Kick Six: #4 Auburn 34 – #1 Alabama 28 (November 30, 2013)
  2. Clemson-Bama II: #2 Clemson 35 – #1 Alabama 31 (January 9, 2017)
  3. The Tua Game: #4 Alabama 26 – #3 Georgia 23, OT (January 8, 2018)
  4. Famous Jameis: #1 Florida State 34 – #2 Auburn 31 (January 6, 2014)
  5. The Granddaddy: #9 USC 52 – #5 Penn State 49 (January 2, 2017)
  6. The Prayer at Jordan-Hare: #7 Auburn 43 – #25 Georgia 38 (November 16, 2013)
  7. The Comeback: #5 Baylor 61 – #9 TCU 58 (October 11, 2014)
  8. Meet Johnny Football: #15 Texas A&M 29 – #1 Alabama 24 (November 11, 2012)
  9. The Spot: #2 Ohio State 30 – #3 Michigan 27, 2OT (November 26, 2016)
  10. The Camback: #2 Auburn 28 – #11 Alabama 27 (November 27, 2010)

Honorable mention#3 Georgia 54 – #2 Oklahoma 51 2OT (January 2, 2017), #1 Auburn 22 – #2 Oregon (January 11, 2011)

Honorable mention, Michigan State editionPunt Blue PuntThe Hail MaryLittle Giants