Goodreads is the best social media app. Sorry flickr or medium or whatsapp or whodunnit or whatnot, but Goodreads is so good it should be called Greatreads. Weather Channel app? Uh, looks like a big front of fuck you is rolling in—Left on Read stans Goodreads as the best app of all time.
What other app lets me subtly perform my own wokeness (why yes I did just recently finish How to Be an Antiracist, and of course I gave it 5 stars) while judging others for their hollow performity or failure to even try (The Help: The Book???). And what other piece of technology can give me a sense of what percent of a book I’ve gotten through—something that, before the Goodreadaissance, I had to figure out by flipping to the back of the book every five minutes. Sure it might be owned by Bad Bad Daddy Bezos, but as far as I can tell Goodreads hasn’t influenced an American election or been a Trojan Horse for Chinese spyware.
Goodreads is an app that reminds me how many of my acquaintances are over-achieving nerds who like to announce how many books they want to read in a year to strangers. But it can simultaneously tell me how many of those dweebs are also willing to broadcast to that same audience that they have thoroughly enjoyed Jock Blocked (“She can’t let him score…”).
At Goodreads’ best, it promotes an almost unqualified good (reading). And even its worst elements (reducing the complex nuances of a piece of art down to a five-star rating system; the incessant gamification of everyday activities) aren’t the worst examples that we’ve seen from apps such as Robinhood or Yelp. With Goodreads, I don’t have to like other people’s activity. And I don’t have to worry about whether other people have liked the fact that at some point I intend to read The New Jim Crow (yes I know I’m at least five years past due on this). Better yet, I can shout into the newsfeed void that, yes, I have read all seven Harry Potter books, and also yes, I think they’re excellent—all without having to go on Twitter to catch the latest updates from the TERF-war front.
At the end of the day, Goodreads is all that I want out of a social media app: A nerd’s hot-or-not ranking of all of literature, combined with a way to judge the people who voluntarily give their time and money to the Ayn Rand estate. And that’s a beautiful thing.
It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, huh? One day, you’re carelessly walking down the street singing Lana del Rey. The next day you find out that DESPITE Green Book winning Best Picture, racism is APPARENTLY still a thing??? It’s wild. At times like these, you instinctively want to turn to your friends who are knowledgeable about what’s going on to get support. However, after realizing your friends are pretty fucking white, you have decided to turn to an even better source of support: That one black person from your junior year English class that you’re pretty sure you worked with on a group project. You ask them everything, from where to donate, to how to protest, to how to define the word “systemic”. And UGH (!!!) they’re all like, “I’m sorry, but I do not have time to talk to you about this and also I wasn’t in your English class.”
Well, despite their selfishness, I have good news for you: I have discovered a new tool that will help answer all of your pressing questions. Introducing: Google.
For the uninformed, Google is an A-MAZ-ING thing on the internet that lets you discover relevant information. From “What is racism?” to “Are you sure I can still be a racist if I like the movie Barbershop?”, Google is a gateway to sorting out all of the questions that are driving you crazy, but you can’t seem to find a black distant acquaintance to answer. Best of all, Google will connect you with a bunch of other crazy new tools that can help fill in your knowledge gaps—like Reddit, for finding out whether you can be a furry and a racist at the same time (you can!), or Twitter, for discovering whether people will threaten a hate crime on a public forum (they will!).
During this uncertain time, we are all looking for answers. With Google, you have that knowledge at your fingertips. Now, go forth and educate yourself—then spend twelve times as much time repeating and iterating the small bit of knowledge you learned. We’re counting on you.
1. “I’m so sorry for the delay. I thought I replied already.” This is an okay person. You may genuinely be sorry.
2. “Sorry for the delay. Just catching up on my inbox.” You feel nothing for this person. You do feel mildly remorseful about not replying sooner, but you also intentionally ignored this email when you saw it.
3. “Hey, sorry. Just getting to this.” You don’t care for this person. If given the choice between a phone call and in-person meeting, you push for email.
4. “Sorry, just seeing this.” This person annoys you and you have intentionally put off replying for as long as possible. You may have considered leaving a negative review about this person on their company’s Glassdoor profile.
5. “Sorry for the wait. The first email somehow wound up in my spam folder.” Fuck this person. You have literally masturbated to the idea of this person being removed from your life. Nobody’s email ever “winds up” in your spam folder. This is you subtly telling them you think they are trash.
No child should be able to live and die in the United States today without knowing, once and for all, if Larry King has always looked like Baby Yoda in suspenders. That’s why Left on Read is calling on CNN to use the de-aging technology from The Irishman to see if Larry King has always looked that way.
For too long have we wondered what the nation’s most-trusted interviewer and worst tweeter would look like as a young man. Would it be like if you stretched a white raisin thin, then gave it Buddy Holly glasses and a wife who’s half its age? Or would it be like if we CGI’d Ryan Gosling’s face over Mark Zuckerberg’s body and had it lob softballs at a recently me-too’d celebrity? We deserve to know.
We have the technology. Thanks to noted Marvel truther Martin Scorsese, we have the power to de-age stars like Robert De Niro to see what a young mobster would look like. It’s time we use Netflix’s unholy power for good. And if Scorsese wants to set this de-aged Larry King on a Rolling Stones–scored montage of cocaine abuse and paisley ties, well, then that’s his right.
CNN, please. Let. Us. Use. The. De-aging. Technology. From. The. Irishman. To. See. If. Larry. King. Has. Always. Looked. This. Way.
The Boys Back Home: There is nothing — NOTHING — more important than the boys back home. They crave a steady flow of your content. Don’t you dare forget about the boys back home!!
Mom ❤: For your once-a-year wholesome content. Crucially, this feature also sends your mom a twice weekly DM explaining how to use Instagram and reminding her to like and share all your posts.
Bae Who Doesn’t Know They’re Bae: Only one person is allowed on this list, a repository for only your hottest pics.
I Have Done An Alcohol: hahaha guysssss I’m so young and fun (basically everyone except for your coworkers and kids who won the D.A.R.E. poster contest).
Nudes: All of your friends are on this list, it’s more of a public account feature, really. Free the nip, folks.