You’re Not Allowed To Worry About What’s In The Covid Vaccine If…

You’re not allowed to worry about what’s in the Covid vaccine if:

  • You’ve done drugs 🤪🤪
  • You have ever referred vaguely to “a study”
  • Something about vaping!!!
  • You don’t have a history of severe allergic reactions to vaccines or chemicals frequently found in vaccines
  • You are the author of New York Times–referenced book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big
  • You drank a freaking Four Loko!!! 😂😂
  • You were one of the Clemson football players who Donald Drumpf force-fed lukewarm McDonalds to
  • You have played Eduardo Forty Hands
  • You either own a Jay Cutler jersey or have ever watched an episode of Very Cavallari
  • You live a life of sin
  • You were part of the lab of food technicians responsible for the Papa-dilla
  • You smoked the joint that was offered to you by the guy in the Jason Williams Kings jersey during Passion Pit’s set at Lollapalooza 2012
  • You have ever eaten anything purchased at an Arizona Diamondbacks game
  • You don’t brush your teeth and floss before Mommy tucks you into bed 😇
  • You have tried three or more flavors of MD 2020
  • You voted, or thought about voting, or for the briefest moment considered the mere notion of voting, for Tulsi Gabbard
  • You eat ass 😈
  • You’re still in line to vote! Stay in line!

So, um, it’s Joe

Think back to those heady days of 2017. Think about the righteous anger of a people relearning what it means to be subjected to minority rule. Think of the fury directed at the buffoonish demagoguery of a wannabe strongman. Remember the wide-eyed possibilities we’d dreamt up. 

Maybe Michelle would run. Or Oprah! One of these hotshot senators could do the trick, or maybe we’d finally let Bernie take a crack at it! 

Now think back to the relief of November 2018. That feeling that you weren’t crazy. That reassuring sense that help was on the way, that the cavalry was on the horizon. 

Now look at a photo of Joe Biden. Fuck. Try to calm down. Fail. This is, apparently, our guy. 

It’s a very strange sensation, to watch the most important primary of our lifetime just kind of slip into the background. I was never a Bernie backer but his politics are closer to mine than Biden’s are, and I can’t imagine how surreal this has been for the Berners. Years spent organizing and rallying and volunteering and dreaming and then… Clyburn endorses Biden, half the field drops out and endorses him over the course of 15 minutes, Super Tuesday’s a sweep, and it all ends with a whimper as a pandemic ravages the globe. 

Ok. Cool. Fuck. It’s a little bit like if your smart friend vouched for some guy 12 years ago and now, on the strength of that recommendation, that dude is responsible for saving the fucking world. 

Again, it’s cool. 

But after all that, we have to take a few breaths. Based on a cursory knowledge of the age demographics of our subscribers, I’m gonna guess that much like me, Joe wasn’t your first choice. Or second. Or really in your top five. And this isn’t going to be a lecture about how you have a responsibility to vote for him anyway, or how entertaining third parties is a form of privilege (read a very good piece on that here though). 

This is just to say that it’s really fucking strange that the American experiment—the world’s oldest democracy, having survived world wars, pandemics, depressions, a civil war, and approximately 350 years of refusal to live up to its founding principles—now hinges on the capabilities of a guy we thought would be remembered at best as a funny uncle to the American people and at worst as a creepy uncle to the American women.

But that’s where we’re at. The world is ending, the president’s a neofascist, climate change is hurtling at us with growing speed, and a coalition that most young people aren’t part of picked Joe Fucking Biden to save us. That’s how democracy works. It wasn’t rigged, it’s not unfair. More people thought he should be the guy than any other. 

Godspeed, Joe. I guess. 

Picking a Campaign Song for Every Candidate Left

A great campaign song can transform an election. Bill Clinton had “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac, Barack Obama used “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours” by Stevie Wonder to great effect, and who can forget the old-timey background music from Birth of a Nation that Donald Trump presumably blared?

But when it comes to trademark songs, the current crop of candidates seems to be vacillating between incredibly blessed and just remarkably cursed choices. That’s not good enough. With that in mind, we set out to help. Here are the songs each of the Democrats contending for the nomination and also Mike Bloomberg should use this campaign season:

Bernie Sanders – Everything I Wanted, by Billie Eilish. Oh sure, he’ll promise you everything you say you want. Healthcare. Education. Jobs. A planet to inhabit. But what if, hear me out, it’s actually a socialist nightmare?!?! Not what you’d think???!!! If you’re being honest!!! (This article is a sponsored post provided by the Mike Bloomberg campaign. “Bloomberg 2020: You’re Gonna Get What You Deserve, You Little Shits.”)

Joe Biden – Ocean Eyes, by Billie Eilish. Say what you want about Joe Biden. No seriously, go ahead and talk about this and this and hell, even this. While you do that, I’m just gonna be staring into those baby blues

Elizabeth Warren – No Time To Die, by Billie Eilish. This isn’t a rallying cry for a comeback. Nor is it about any of the song’s lyrics. It’s more just a general symmetry between the song and the candidate. Like, they both seemed like they were gonna be hits. And people generally don’t hate either of them, exactly. But, like, did you remember this song existed? Probably not. Did anyone in Nevada remember that Liz killed the CEO of Wells Fargo? Certainly not.

Mike Bloomberg – Bad Guy, by Billie Eilish. This one’s fun because Mike Bloomberg’s NYPD illegally surveilled the city’s Muslim population and threw black men against the wall for fun. He is, in most modern ethical frameworks, a bad guy. It’s the titular role!

Pete Buttigieg – idontwannabeyouanymore, by Billie Eilish. Look, we were all about it for a minute. Abolish the electoral college? Yes daddy. Unpack the Supreme Court? Um, ok king! Parlay white male midwestern mediocrity into the most powerful position alive? I’M TRYING. But the more we got to know him, the less we wanted to be just like Mayor Pete. We’ll stick to more inspirational role models for now, like that girl who was selling feet pics to save Australia <3. 

Amy Klobuchar – All The Good Girls Go To Hell, by Billie Eilish. I will maintain until my dying day that Amy Klobuchar should have leaned into the ice queen aesthetic from day one. No one wants a nice senator who promises to win back Trump counties; we want a firebreather who will sucker punch your mom for not saying “God rest his soul” after mentioning Paul Wellstone. Also, this song includes the line “Peter should know better,” which is a pretty good summary of every time Amy opens her mouth on the debate stage. Case closed.

Tom Steyer – You Should See Me In A Crown, by Billie Eilish. Idk idk, he’s rich or something. I honestly don’t get this dude’s deal. He’s the second richest billionaire in the race and his plan seems to be siphoning off just enough support from Biden (???) to finish third in one of the first four states? This seems like a dumb plan. This campaign is dumb. 

Pop Punk Hits Remade for the 2020 Election

“Coercing a Foreign Government into Damaging a Political Rival Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off” — Panic! At The Disco ft. Rudy Giuliani

“I’m Not Okay (I Promise…SERIOUSLY)”  — Mike Bloomberg

“Check Yes, Vladimir” — Donald Trump

“Lifestyles of the Rich & Hopeless” — Tom Steyer

“The Middle America” — Amy Klobuchar

“A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Intricate Policy Planning” — Elizabeth Warren

“I’m Just a Kid (And I Was a Mayor)” — Pete Buttigieg 

“Thnks fr th Obma Yrs” — Joe Biden

“Angry Deb8er Boi” — Bernie Sanders

“I Will Do (LITERALLY) Anything” — Hillary Clinton

“Welcome to the White Parade” — The Republican National Committee 

“Wake Me Up When the Primaries End” — Everybody