There’s nothing better than a holiday classic, and no other movie hits all the high notes quite like It’s A Wonderful Life.
In Frank Capra’s masterpiece, we get all anyone wants in a Christmas movie: a gritty look at a small town loan officer’s slow descent into madness. Who can forget as George Bailey screams and shouts at his children, reducing his wife to tears as he destroys his house in a violent rage? Or the iconic holiday moment as he drunkenly slams his car into a historic tree and promptly flees the scene?
And there’s nothing more festive than a little insurance fraud, right? Well, unless you count insurance fraud with a dash of suicidal thoughts thrown in! Fortunately, this movie gives us all that and more as we witness our hero attempt to fix his company’s books with ill-begotten life insurance payouts.
Of course, the emotional apex arrives when the impoverished townspeople band together to fork over their life savings to George, only to find out that a wealthy benefactor has already covered the costs. George does not return anyone’s money. It’s literally the perfect Christmas classic.
If you aren’t already familiar with Afroman’s iconic Christmas album, A Colt 45 Christmas, you should immediately gather your whole extended family around your shitty phone speaker and have a listen together. It is the most extravagantly heavy-handed piece of art ever created, and it is a testament to what mankind can achieve when it is very stoned.
Our favorite track is “Police Blow My Wad,” which is set to the tune of “Feliz Navidad.” The entire body of lyrics contains a total of 14 discrete words:
Police, blow my wad Police, blow my wad Police, blow my wad Police, blow my wad
I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us
A Christmas tune that has a catchy hook and a meaningful social justice message? What more could we ask for this holiday season?!
Worst: “O Holy Night” by Michael McDonald
We’ll get this out of the way, because it’s obvious: it is an inexplicable affront to God that Michael McDonald made a Christmas album. It’s titled Season of Peace: The Christmas Collection, but it would be more aptly titled Season of Piss: The Taintsweat Collection, because it is actually that bad.
While it is a demanding task to pick the very worst song on this album, we have risen to the occasion and made a surprisingly easy choice: McDonald’s cover of “O Holy Night,” which is unequivocal proof that a benevolent God does not exist.
What’s so bad about it, you ask? How could a cover of O Holy Night be such fundamental ass?
Well, a few things. First, the singer is, uh, Michael McDonald, whose vocal timbre is comparable to a malfunctioning leafblower. Second, some godless heathen—let’s face it, probably Michael McDonald—made the unconscionable decision to arrange the song in a Bossa Nova style.
Third, it isn’t even proper Bossa Nova. It’s Bossa Nova in 7/8 with heavy string accompaniment. In other words, it’s just shitty fucking smooth jazz with a vaguely Brazilian beat.
This song is basically elevator music, but you’re trapped in the elevator, and you know deep down inside that you’re never going to escape, and it’s Christmas morning, and all your loved ones are celebrating, but you’re just stuck in the elevator, and the only other person in the elevator is Tomi Lahren, and she’s shouting about Guatemalan immigrants while subtly dancing a Samba to the insufferable tones of Michael McDonald’s groans, set to a funky Latin arrangement of “O Holy Night.”
Love Actually is a heartwarming tale about people finding heterosexual love in a post-9/11 global order. But, as we start another holiday season, it’s important to remember that the Christmas classic also isn’t not about the rising trend of nationalism, alt-conservatism, and retrenchment from the international, pluralistic values we once held as dear as Emma Thompson. Here’s why:
A globalist cuck (Colin Firth), hopelessly constrained by his effeminacy (turtleneck sweaters), is cast out of England and into the arms of the Continent (Aurélia).
Meanwhile, the virile Hugh Grant becomes infatuated with the white female body (Natalie) and the small-town England she represents (octopus boy). This nationalistic impulse culminates in the prime minister putting his nation ahead of its commitment to foreign allies (Billy Bob Thornton).
A philandering snake-oil salesman wins over Wisconsin (sex-god Colin).
The old way is dying (Liam Neeson’s wife), and fake news is propagating (Martin Freeman’s adult film).
Not to mention the underlying paranoia about foreign influence, which causes borders to reify and security concerns to escalate (Jojeen Reed running through an airport to send off an immigrant as she’s returning to her home nation).
It’s probably too obvious to bear repeating, but Mia’s “dark corners for doing dark deeds” is a patent head-nod to 4chan.
Laura Linney, much like an England that’s growing increasingly frustrated with the EU’s flagging economies, is tired of dealing with the constant needs of her sick brother (Spain/Greece).
The deep state is always watching (wedding videographer) and communicates in nefarious ways (cue cards).
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