Our Best and Worst Christmas Song Picks

Best: “Police Blow My Wad” by Afroman

If you aren’t already familiar with Afroman’s iconic Christmas album, A Colt 45 Christmas, you should immediately gather your whole extended family around your shitty phone speaker and have a listen together. It is the most extravagantly heavy-handed piece of art ever created, and it is a testament to what mankind can achieve when it is very stoned.

Our favorite track is “Police Blow My Wad,” which is set to the tune of “Feliz Navidad.” The entire body of lyrics contains a total of 14 discrete words:

    Police, blow my wad
    Police, blow my wad
    Police, blow my wad
    Police, blow my wad

    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us
    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us
    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us
    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us

A Christmas tune that has a catchy hook and a meaningful social justice message? What more could we ask for this holiday season?!
Worst: “O Holy Night” by Michael McDonald

We’ll get this out of the way, because it’s obvious: it is an inexplicable affront to God that Michael McDonald made a Christmas album. It’s titled Season of Peace: The Christmas Collection, but it would be more aptly titled Season of Piss: The Taintsweat Collection, because it is actually that bad.

While it is a demanding task to pick the very worst song on this album, we have risen to the occasion and made a surprisingly easy choice: McDonald’s cover of “O Holy Night,” which is unequivocal proof that a benevolent God does not exist.

What’s so bad about it, you ask? How could a cover of O Holy Night be such fundamental ass?

Well, a few things. First, the singer is, uh, Michael McDonald, whose vocal timbre is comparable to a malfunctioning leafblower. Second, some godless heathen—let’s face it, probably Michael McDonald—made the unconscionable decision to arrange the song in a Bossa Nova style. 

Third, it isn’t even proper Bossa Nova. It’s Bossa Nova in 7/8 with heavy string accompaniment. In other words, it’s just shitty fucking smooth jazz with a vaguely Brazilian beat. 

This song is basically elevator music, but you’re trapped in the elevator, and you know deep down inside that you’re never going to escape, and it’s Christmas morning, and all your loved ones are celebrating, but you’re just stuck in the elevator, and the only other person in the elevator is Tomi Lahren, and she’s shouting about Guatemalan immigrants while subtly dancing a Samba to the insufferable tones of Michael McDonald’s groans, set to a funky Latin arrangement of “O Holy Night.”

Merry Fucking Christmas. God is Dead.

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