- willow. this is a taylor swift song.
- champagne problems. this is an unreleased train b-side to hey, soul sister.
- gold rush. this is a kacey musgraves song.
- ‘tis the damn season. this is an american football song, but it’s about phoebe bridgers.
- tolerate it. this is a mitski song.
- no body, no crime (feat. haim). this, inexplicably, is not a haim song. this is a chicks song.
- happiness. this is a phoebe bridgers song, but it’s after she’s been granted access to SSRIs.
- dorothea. this is an avett brothers song.
- coney island (feat. the national). this, fittingly, is a national song.
- ivy. this is a haim song.
- cowboy like me. this is a brandi carlyle song.
- long story short. this is an alligator-era national song covered by fearless-era taylor swift.
- marjorie. this is a maggie rogers song written by lorde.
- closure. this is a st. vincent song, but like, stripped down.
- evermore (feat. bon iver). unlike exile, this is a bon iver song.
Dear reader: I’m doing great. No one’s having a meltdown here. Mental health is at an all-time high.
These rankings are entirely subjective and absolutely correct.
I’m doing great.
Can you believe that it’s already Halloween next weekend? Between reopening schools and restaurants and fervently arguing over whether what we’re currently experiencing is a “second wave,” “third surge,” or “fifteenth thrust,” it seems that the last two months have just passed us all by. But if you, like so many, are caught unprepared for everyone’s favorite spooky holiday, fear not! We’ve compiled a handy list of the five best costumes for the eeriest Halloween yet.
5. A Cat, But The Kind That Just Stays In The House
Much like diamond earrings or Gregory Peck’s look in To Kill A Mockingbird, the cat costume will never go out of style. This year, add a fun COVID-19 twist by donning your sleekest blacks, painting whiskers on your face, and staying in your goddamn house.
4. A Conscientious Witch
For those willing to go a little “uglier,” you can never go wrong with a witch costume. But spice it up this year by being a witch in your own home, far from other people, because there’s literally no need to put anyone’s wellness in danger! You can find a hat, robe, and prosthetic wart for pretty cheap online, then all you need to do is grab a broom from your cupboard, and then just add the final touch: don’t! leave! your! fucking! house!
3. Elsa, But Only In The Part Of Frozen Where She Goes and Lives Literally Miles Away from the Nearest Person
Ever since Frozen came out a few years ago, the shining blue dress and platinum blonde hair have been one of Halloween’s hottest looks. Of course, you don’t want to be caught with the same costume as someone else at your party, so try adding a unique flourish: don’t go out to fucking parties, you moron! Jesus!
2. “The Last Great American Dynasty,” by Taylor Swift
Honestly, such a great idea. So many ways to interpret it. And stay at home, you dickwit.
1. A Werewolf with Crippling Social Anxiety
If you like fully committing to your costumes, a werewolf costume is perfect for you. Imagine how scary it will be when people see you! But only imagine, because you’re a werewolf with deep-seated social anxiety who hates parties. Guess you can’t go out! That’s really too bad. I guess you’ll have to sit at home and your couch and just watch a scary movie.
Alright, fuckers. The endgame is here. Win this election, never see Donald Trump again, and pack the Court like it’s the last bowl you’re going to smoke before you go home for the summer. Get your padfolios ready, America—you might be joining the nation’s most powerful court. Here are the not-so-select few people we’re adding to the Supreme Court the fucking minute Biden is sworn in:
- A Starbucks barista who Biden complimented on “the way her shirt fit”
- 15 illegal immigrants
- Hunter Biden
- Your local DSA treasurer 🌹🌹🌹
- Chief Justice Cardi B
- The E Street Band
- Your local ambulance chasing attorney with a kick-ass nickname like “The Justice Hammer”
- My fifth grade teacher Ms. Leach she was nice 🙂
- People who loudly shout “Tequila!!!” when the Tequila song plays
- Rebecca Black
- Our corporate sponsor, NBC Comcast
- Jimmy Buffett’s Parrot. He has a parrot, right?
- Still not Michael Avenatti, sorry!
- Several Krassensteins
- That guy who tried to chug an entire bottle of Patron in a parking garage and just vomited everywhere
- Count Chocula
- Diana Ross, along with no more than two other Supremes
- The frontline healthcare hero from that Blink-182 album cover
- Al Franken 😱😱😱
- A bombastic drag queen whose stage name is Amy Bony Carrot
- Paul George, so he can finally secure a victory on the court
- Kett Bravanaugh
- Every dog with over 50,000 Instagram followers
- I think my roommate’s boyfriend is pretty sharp actually
- The Migos member you don’t know
- A cardboard cut-out of Antonin Scalia with an 18-inch dildo affixed to the mouth region
- Damn Daniel
- Kate McKinnon, roleplaying as RBG
- Scooter Libby
- Alec Baldwin (300 hours of court-ordered community service)
- The weiners from Pod Save America, so they can go bother somebody else
- Jack Daniels
- Ur mom haha
- Esteemed Eastern District of California judge Troy L. Nunley
- Idris Elba, because what can’t that guy do!
- My bodega guy
- Balloon boy!!!!
- 2003 Oakland Athletics’ All-Star Reliever Keith Foulke
- Saquon, who suddenly has the time
- Herman Cain’s ghost 👻👻👻
- Joe Lieberman JK FUCK THAT GUY
- Three Toddlers in a Trenchcoat
- Susan Collins
- Van Jones, so he gets off my dang TV
- Claudia Conway
- Flo, but not Jamie!
- Taylor Swift, when she is in the woods
- Merrick Garland
- Anyone with LED lights in their bedroom
Taylor Swift, folklor: CBD
The National, I Am Easy to Find: Marijuana
Sun Kil Moon, Benji: Heroin
Sufjan Stevens, The Age of Adz: Ecstasy
Father John Misty, Fear Fun: Cocaine
Phoebe Bridgers, Punisher: LSD purchased from your neighborhood feminist co-op
Counting Crows, August and Everything After: Ibuprofen and white wine
American Football, American Football: Weed dust that’s been emptied onto a Pavement CD while you sit in your mom’s Corolla.
Cannonball Adderley, Somethin’ Else: Methadone
Elliott Smith, Either/Or: Ketamine
Bon Iver, Bon Iver, Bon Iver: Mushrooms
Wilco, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot: Revolution Anti-Hero IPA
Van Morrison, Astral Weeks: Sandalwood-scented incense candle
it’s ridiculous. preposterous. a miscarriage of justice? okay, not that far. but it’s pretty fucking bad. i’ll just say it: it is offensive that taylor swift, poet laureate and heiress to the stevie nicks’ throne of “forest fairy who also will wreck your life with a single song lyric”, had to release folklore, an obvious fall album, during the middle of this godforsaken summer.
let’s look at the facts:
- the song “august” clearly takes place in the past. knock, knock? who’s there? it’s still july you ingrates. i should be crying to this in september.
- all of the photography for the promotion took place in a woodsy clearing. you know what sucks in the middle of summer? big, open, woodsy spaces. they’re too hot, and not appropriately moody. the amount of editing it must have taken to produce those photos is a travesty.
- “exile” required bon iver to come out of his annual summer hibernation, which is like inviting a vampire to an outdoor garlic festival at 1pm.
- say it with me: “cardigans are not summer appropriate.”
- tears evaporate too quickly in the summer, and then you’re just sitting there like some puffy, sad salt lick.
now, i want to make one thing perfectly clear: i do not fault taylor swift for this, and not just because I fear her powers. taylor has managed to make us all feel a new flavor of sad during this hopeless summer, versus the standard lukewarm defeatist depression. no, i blame everyone who hasn’t worn their goddamn mask and every government official who decided that it would be supes cute to open businesses when we had “flattened the curve” at roughly one billion cases a day, because you created an atmosphere so devoid of anything to watch or do that our great cardigan goddess felt compelled to release this album now instead of waiting for a more appropriate season. she shouldn’t have had to do this. it is cruel, unusual, and seasonally inappropriate.
if there is any justice in the world, taylor swift will soon be releasing an album that, when played backwards, sends all of you back to the hell you crawled out of. for now, we’ll all just have to settle for knowing that, in the grand scheme of this hellpit summer, we’re all betty.
it is the summer of folklore and we are *feeling* things. t-swift has dropped an emotion bomb, and while our response has been to sob into a decaying oak tree, that may not be your vibe. however, there are certain reactions to this woodsy attack on the heartstrings that are more appropriate than others. here are the twenty-three definitively correct things to do after listening to folklore:
- calling your high school ex, begging them to get back together, fifteen years later
- diving headfirst into a murky bog and proclaiming it as your new home
- screaming, “why don’t you look at me like you used to?!?” at your mailman
- renting a 2006 honda civic for an unnecessarily cramped make out session
- getting a bob, regardless of whether you have the face shape for it
- editing every profile photo you’ve ever uploaded to be black-and-white
- listening to early lana del rey and whispering and pointing out all areas where taylor has now done it better
- muttering, “i gave so many signs” whenever you’re asked to repeat yourself
- calling your high school ex to tell them you hate them now more than ever, then hanging up and blocking their number
- replacing all of your summer tops with cardigans and embracing the sweltering heat because suffering is love
- cyberbullying inez
- buying a baby grand piano that literally can’t fit in your apartment
- carrying out an illicit affair, but, like, sadly
- authoring a hamilton-esque chilean historical musical titled “my tears, pinochet”
- calling your high school ex and crying, “was it true???” over and over, at a higher emotional pitch each time, until they finally say, “yes.” it does not matter if they know what you’re asking about
- getting in a fight with bon iver
- installing a screen door in your fifth floor walk-up, just to be able to slam it
- saying “fuck” in dulcet tones
- increasing the thickness of various sweaters
- allowing august to slip away like a bottle of wine
- legally changing your name to betty
- holding grudges, tenderly
as taytay has amassed wealth, fame, power, and cats over the last decade, she has been unable to escape one non-kanye-related nemesis: the first song released from her own albums. even as she churned out albums packed with chart-topping, introspective bangers, she seemed incapable of releasing any of those songs in the buildup to her album release.
instead, she continually opted for songs that could generously be described as “sonically foul” and which were wildly out of step with her actual albums.
the most recent and galling example was a vile poptastrophe titled “me!” that inexplicably featured brendon urie, everyone’s third-favorite pop rock frontman. while lover itself was a delightful journey into the world of a young woman who feels it all coming together… “me!” was a terrifying descent into someone’s half-hearted and frankly reckless journey through the looking glass.
before that, there was the evil and wretched “look what you made me do,” a right said fred ripoff that would have been more at home in an off-broadway parody of the mean girls musical. reputation surely wasn’t as complete as her other pop albums, but from “getaway car” to “call it what you want” and “delicate,” there were plenty of more appropriate options.
and let’s not forget that the lead single for the world-altering, record-crushing, career-defining 1989 was, inexplicably, the entirely forgettable “shake it off.” this faux-empowerment anthem featured taylor claiming people said she stayed out too late (no one has ever thought you partied too hard, sorry tay) and ogling black women’s asses (take the video down, tay)—and was somehow selected from an album that featured, in no particular order: “style, “blank space,” “wildest dreams,” “style,” “new years day,” “clean,” “out of the woods,” “style,” “this love,” “style,” “how you get the girl,” “style,” and “style.”
but this time around, taylor managed not to fall into the same trap. so how’d she do it? she started by filling the album with only good songs, then didn’t release any as lead singles. she just released the dang album, let us vibe to it, and peaced out.
and we are truly grateful.
Taylor Swift is having a moment. If you’ve been anywhere near an electronic device in the last month, this is no news to you. Her album 1989 debuted to critical success she’s never seen before and commercial success no one’s seen since Britney’s hayday. But if there’s been one knock on our pop star du jour, it’s that she’s a relative lightweight.
While Beyoncé samples Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s feminist poetry, TayTay sings about mean boys and fun nights and how old she is. Right? WRONG.
Turns out, T-Swift is using her noted lyrical prowess to comment on the great Issues Of The Day with biting analysis—we just haven’t been looking hard enough. And the proof is in her latest smash-hit single, “Blank Space.”
“Blank Space” has been praised as many things: a self-aware take on her “boy crazy” reputation, a strong repudiation of the stereotypes placed on women, a pure-pop cakewalk that’s easy to listen to and hard to forget. But what we’ve largely ignored is Swift’s intriguing commentary on the recent climate deal struck by American President Barack Obama and Chinese President Xi Jinping.
Right now you might be thinking, “What on EARTH is [name redacted for legal reasons] talking about, that makes no sense.” Or, you might be thinking, “Wow [name redacted for legal reasons] is so smart I’m glad I’m reading this.” If you’re thinking the second thing, you’re right. Let’s look at the lyrics to find out why:
Swift starts off with “Nice to meet you/ where you been?” as a way of politely chastising China’s absence from previous rounds of climate discussions. It’s as if she’s saying she’s happy to see China finally at the negotiating table, but there really is no excuse for their previous refusals to consider action on climate change.
In the next stanza she moves on to “New money/ suit and tie/ I can read you like a magazine.” Here she acknowledges that it has only been in the last half century or so that China has fully industrialized, and in the process has become an economic powerhouse able to rival and likely surpass the other richest countries. Plus—and this is really getting a bit weird—if you look at the attire both men wore while speaking to the press during Obama’s visit… it’s actually a suit and tie! Spooky!
“Ain’t it funny/ rumors fly/ and I know you’ve heard about me” is an interesting take on President Obama’s known hatred for leaked information coming out of his administration. She wryly calls such leaks “funny” while pointing out that China’s vast intelligence operation has likely already heard plenty.
When she sings “So hey/ let’s be friends,” I’m 99% sure she’s actually just quoting President Obama’s opening line in the most recent round of negotiations.
“I’m dying to see/ how this one ends,” is one of the more macabre lines in the song and the lyric that makes clear where Swift stands on the issue of climate change. Always one to turn a phrase, she points out that we’ll all be “dying”—in flooded cities, burning hillsides and drought-ravaged plains—to see how HUMANITY ends if we fail to act.
One of her least subtle lines comes next: “Grab your passport/ and my hand.” Yes, Taylor, we understand that this agreement was hashed out on President Obama’s overseas trip last month, and that Obama and Jinping like holding hands.
But she’s right back at it with “I can make the bad boys good for a weekend.” China has long been the proverbial “bad boy” of climate change discussions, but over just a few days of intense negotiations, President Obama was able to make them “good.”
“So it’s gonna be forever/ or it’s gonna go down in flames” is a dire warning once again. Either both nations stick to this hugely important pact for the long run, or the planet literally runs the risk of being consumed by flames fanned by higher temperatures, more severe droughts, and increased lightning strikes.
When Swift sings “You can tell me when it’s over/ if the high was worth the pain” there are actually two reasonable interpretations. Either she’s acknowledging that reducing carbon emissions will be a painful process for an industrializing economy like China’s—and that there’s no guarantee it will be worth it—or she’s pointing out that for decades China’s carbon levels have been too high and that we are all now due for the pain that is sure to come as a result. I’m inclined to believe it’s the former, but you can form your own opinion on this one.
You can’t, however, form your own opinion on the next line: “Got a long list of ex-lovers/ they’ll tell you I’m insane.” That’s because there’s no doubt that Swift is using “ex-lovers” to mean allies, of which the U.S. certainly has a long list. Yet would any of us be surprised if allies like Germany, Brazil, or Israel would refer to America as “insane” in light of recent NSA revelations? In fact, perhaps only Great Britain among our allies would be willing to stick up for us at this point; but in Swift-parlance, that special relationship is more likely to be considered a “soul-mate” than an “ex-lover.”
With “Cause you know I love the players/ And you love the game” Swift offers perhaps her biggest critique of Obama. While he tried to lead through the sheer force of personality and likability, Jinping has successfully mastered the “game” and led China to economic strength and international acceptance that no other communist nation with such a frightening human rights record has achieved.
“Cause we’re young and we’re reckless/ we’ll take this way too far” references the knee-jerk reaction from many American conservatives who said that Obama—despite a term and a half in the White House—is an inexperienced negotiator who made a poorly-thought-out deal with China.
“It’ll leave you breathless/ or with a nasty scar” is actually a little bit rude. Referencing China’s devastating pollution and smog issues (which have been known to leave residents with asthma literally breathless) in a song about their new efforts to reduce emissions just seems like a low blow. The kind of blow that could leave a nasty scar, actually.
After referencing America’s “long list” of allies once more, she goes to the crucial line: “But I’ve got a blank space, baby/ and I’ll write your name.” If there has been one nation missing from climate negotiations in the last few decades, it has undoubtedly been China. Each time an agreement is drawn up, their space remains blank and the pledge remains unsigned. Finally, after years of trying, President Obama is ready to write in China as a partner in the fight against climate change.
“Cherry lips/ crystal skies” is a quick paean to the literally brighter environmental future the two nations share—though I would argue that “cherry lips” is rather offensive if it’s intended to describe Chinese traditional white-face-red-lips makeup, but hey, this wouldn’t be the first time Taylor’s been accused of cultural insensitivity.
At the end of the stanza she dives into a bit more of a realistic take: “Wait the worst/ is yet to come, oh no.” And she’s right. Even with this historic climate pact and a renewed worldwide effort to reduce carbon emissions, we have already done too much damage. We can do our best to mitigate the effects, but things are bound to get worse before they get better.
“Screaming/ crying/ perfect storms” seems to acknowledge this further in startling imagery. Is this the future we want? Death? Destruction? Massive hurricanes wreaking havoc?
Yet just a few lines later she’s back to describing the negotiations, with a line sure to please both Obama critics and his supporters: “Darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.” To fans of the president, this line encapsulates the success of Obama’s trip to China. He smiled for the cameras. He wore Chinese garb. He glad-handed the elites. But behind closed doors he took it to China, getting them to agree to a deal that could limit their economic expansion in order to secure a better future for us all. The president’s detractors are sure to read the line as an indictment of Obama’s attempts to use his charismatic personality to cover up a failed presidency.
After this, she repeats the chorus a few times for emphasis (as if to say, “Do you hear what I’m saying, America? THIS IS ABOUT INTERNATIONAL CLIMATE NEGOTIATIONS!”), then Swift has one more line of interest: “Boys only want love if it’s torture/ don’t say I didn’t/ say I didn’t warn ya.” Here, she tees up what we can expect from her next album: a scathing critique of the ‘enhanced interrogation” techniques employed by the United States during the War on Terror and the flimsy legal justification used to permit such practices.
I think we’re all looking forward to listening to that, but for now we’ll just have to make do with what we have: a catchy ear-worm of a pop-hit that doubles as a well-researched take on the U.S.-China climate agreement.
- I’m On Fire – Soccer Mommy (original: Bruce Springsteen)
- Tim McGraw – Maggie Rogers (original: Taylor Swift)
- Doin’ Time – Lana Del Rey (original: Sublime)
- There Is a Light That Never Goes Out – Dum Dum Girls (original: The Smiths)
- In the Air Tonight – Lucy Dacus (original: Phil Collins)
- Friday I’m in Love – Phoebe Bridgers (original: The Cure)
- Cowboy Take Me Away – Boygenius (original: The Dixie Chicks)
- Jesus, Etc. – Laura Stevenson (original: Wilco)