Alright, fuckers. The endgame is here. Win this election, never see Donald Trump again, and pack the Court like it’s the last bowl you’re going to smoke before you go home for the summer. Get your padfolios ready, America—you might be joining the nation’s most powerful court. Here are the not-so-select few people we’re adding to the Supreme Court the fucking minute Biden is sworn in:
- A Starbucks barista who Biden complimented on “the way her shirt fit”
- 15 illegal immigrants
- Hunter Biden
- Your local DSA treasurer 🌹🌹🌹
- Chief Justice Cardi B
- The E Street Band
- Your local ambulance chasing attorney with a kick-ass nickname like “The Justice Hammer”
- My fifth grade teacher Ms. Leach she was nice 🙂
- People who loudly shout “Tequila!!!” when the Tequila song plays
- Rebecca Black
- Our corporate sponsor, NBC Comcast
- Jimmy Buffett’s Parrot. He has a parrot, right?
- Still not Michael Avenatti, sorry!
- Jeb!
- Several Krassensteins
- That guy who tried to chug an entire bottle of Patron in a parking garage and just vomited everywhere
- Count Chocula
- Diana Ross, along with no more than two other Supremes
- The frontline healthcare hero from that Blink-182 album cover
- Al Franken 😱😱😱
- A bombastic drag queen whose stage name is Amy Bony Carrot
- Paul George, so he can finally secure a victory on the court
- Kett Bravanaugh
- Every dog with over 50,000 Instagram followers
- I think my roommate’s boyfriend is pretty sharp actually
- The Migos member you don’t know
- A cardboard cut-out of Antonin Scalia with an 18-inch dildo affixed to the mouth region
- Damn Daniel
- Kate McKinnon, roleplaying as RBG
- Scooter Libby
- Alec Baldwin (300 hours of court-ordered community service)
- Flo-Rida
- The weiners from Pod Save America, so they can go bother somebody else
- Jack Daniels
- Ur mom haha
- Esteemed Eastern District of California judge Troy L. Nunley
- Idris Elba, because what can’t that guy do!
- My bodega guy
- Balloon boy!!!!
- 2003 Oakland Athletics’ All-Star Reliever Keith Foulke
- Saquon, who suddenly has the time
- Herman Cain’s ghost 👻👻👻
- Joe Lieberman JK FUCK THAT GUY
- Three Toddlers in a Trenchcoat
- Susan Collins
- Van Jones, so he gets off my dang TV
- Claudia Conway
- Flo, but not Jamie!
- Taylor Swift, when she is in the woods
- Merrick Garland
- Anyone with LED lights in their bedroom
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