I filed a trademark for a “Come On Eileen” parody about COVID-19, but I only did it to stop anyone else from doing it

By now, you’ve probably seen the news, and I want to start by saying that I fully admit it: I filed a trademark on the concept of a parody song in which the lyrics to “Come On Eileen” are replaced with “COVID-19.”
 
I’m aware of the speculation that has begun about my motives for this move. There are those who say I’m preparing some sort of viral video with pop stars and the like dancing (or perhaps “twerking”) to this topical wordplay. Others insist I’ll be hawking trendy “Come on Eileen? More like COVID-19!” crop tops outside of the nation’s top discotheques.
 
Family and friends, I want to assure you that nothing could be further from the truth.
 
The reality is that someone is going to weaponize the ease with which the novel coronavirus strain fits into this beloved ‘80s hit, whether we like it or not. By proactively filing this trademark, I hope to have the full weight of the American legal system at my disposal to stop them. In times of crisis, heroes emerge. And I intend to be that hero.
 
I’ll take down YouTube compilations, cut off the production of “humorous” neon fanny packs, and even unleash my attorneys upon unsuspecting meme accounts. All in the service of keeping your father from ever discovering the most formidable pun of this year’s coronavirus season.
 
So slander me all you want. Call me names like “putrid boy” and “rotten lad.” I do not care. I will do what I must to protect my country, and for that I will never apologize.