What have we learned during self-quarantine so far?

20. You can have 50 titles in your Amazon watchlist and still have no idea what to watch.

19. Maybe not having enough time wasn’t the reason you never wrote that book.

18. This was a bad time to read The Road.

17. Time, in hindsight, was a bad idea.

16. I liked the sexual tension that came with full-contact deliveries.

15. There are no truly fool-proof YouTube tutorials on cutting your own hair.

14. More things go with cauliflower than you’d think, but not as many as you’ve tried.

13. There is literally nothing stopping me from watching Christmas movies whenever the fuck I want.

12. People really like playing Codenames? Like, they’ll seek it out? And play it over wifi? 

11. No amount of plants can compensate for the small joy of subtly rubbing against strangers on public transit.

10. Maybe you underrated Silver Linings Playbook the first time around.

9. John Oliver is, in fact, my daddy.

8. “Sweet Caroline” is the wrong song to sing in public during a pandemic (“REACHING OUT. TOUCHING ME. TOUCHING YOUUUUUUU”).

7. All it takes to create a national cultural conversation is a little quarantine, a weird sex cult, a hit man, and some tigers.

6. Maybe leave the bread making to the professionals.

5. It’s ten times harder to avoid hanging out with your friend group when everybody knows you have nothing better going on.

4. Allowing unfettered capitalism to create a permanent under-class controlled by the whims of billionaires weirdly isn’t good for public safety and well-being (CC: Uncle Bezos).

3. You shouldn’t eat where you shit, but you can conference call while you shit.

2. If two people make the same amount of money but one has a backyard and the other does not, then they are not equals.

1. It’s easy to become a functional alcoholic if you lower the bar for “functional.”

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