Category: Advice

A Step-by-Step Guide to Killing Grandpa

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The air is crisp, the inflatable snowmen are out, and puffer vests have been swapped for puffer coats. Yes, it’s the holiday season — and that means one thing: it’s finally time to kill grandpa. 

The old bastard has been alive long enough, and lord knows that beach house isn’t going to hand itself over. Now, with snow on the ground and disease in the air, it’s time to end things. 

To help you out, here’s our step-by-step guide to killing grandpa this holiday season.

  1. Get yourself a nice indoor meal in the busiest city near you. You can’t go killing grandpa on an empty stomach.
  2. Go to the gym regularly. You’re going to want all your strength to finally do him in.
  3. Don’t wash your hands. What, you can commit murder but you’re afraid of germs?
  4. Take a flight to get to him.
  5. Invite him and all of your relatives to a lovely Thanksgiving dinner, especially the irresponsible ones and the ones who forward chain letters
  6. At dinner, hug him and spend all of your time right by his side
  7. After dinner is over, give one more hug and a kiss on the cheek. Look him right in the face and wish him well.
  8. Wait.

If you followed all of these instructions closely, chances are great that you’ll get the ultimate Christmas present — a dead grandpa! Stay tuned for more to come in our holiday tips series. Next up: how to use the word “hero” charitably instead of doing anything useful!

5 Perfect Halloween Costumes for 2020

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Can you believe that it’s already Halloween next weekend? Between reopening schools and restaurants and fervently arguing over whether what we’re currently experiencing is a “second wave,” “third surge,” or “fifteenth thrust,” it seems that the last two months have just passed us all by. But if you, like so many, are caught unprepared for everyone’s favorite spooky holiday, fear not! We’ve compiled a handy list of the five best costumes for the eeriest Halloween yet.

5. A Cat, But The Kind That Just Stays In The House
Much like diamond earrings or Gregory Peck’s look in To Kill A Mockingbird, the cat costume will never go out of style. This year, add a fun COVID-19 twist by donning your sleekest blacks, painting whiskers on your face, and staying in your goddamn house.

4. A Conscientious Witch
For those willing to go a little “uglier,” you can never go wrong with a witch costume. But spice it up this year by being a witch in your own home, far from other people, because there’s literally no need to put anyone’s wellness in danger! You can find a hat, robe, and prosthetic wart for pretty cheap online, then all you need to do is grab a broom from your cupboard, and then just add the final touch: don’t! leave! your! fucking! house!

3. Elsa, But Only In The Part Of Frozen Where She Goes and Lives Literally Miles Away from the Nearest Person
Ever since Frozen came out a few years ago, the shining blue dress and platinum blonde hair have been one of Halloween’s hottest looks. Of course, you don’t want to be caught with the same costume as someone else at your party, so try adding a unique flourish: don’t go out to fucking parties, you moron! Jesus!

2. “The Last Great American Dynasty,” by Taylor Swift
Honestly, such a great idea. So many ways to interpret it. And stay at home, you dickwit.

1. A Werewolf with Crippling Social Anxiety
If you like fully committing to your costumes, a werewolf costume is perfect for you. Imagine how scary it will be when people see you! But only imagine, because you’re a werewolf with deep-seated social anxiety who hates parties. Guess you can’t go out! That’s really too bad. I guess you’ll have to sit at home and your couch and just watch a scary movie. 

The Jungian Archetypes I Wish I Actualized

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Swiss psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and low-key dilf Carl Jung proposed that there are several archetypes—archaic symbols and images that derive from the collective unconscious—that we actualize and manifest when we interact with the outside world. Which, cool, but I have to say, it’s total bullshit that I never get to fulfill any of the good ones. Just ask my therapist. 

Anyways, here’s the Jungian archetypes that I wish I could embody just once instead of acting like my innermost child all of the goddamn time: 

  • The Cool and Intimidating Californian Teenager
  • The Hot A.P. U.S. History Teacher
  • The Trickster
  • The Version of Myself When I Attended My First Frat Party
  • My Therapist
  • The Red Power Ranger
  • The Baby Panda at the National Zoo
  • The Version of Myself When I Got My First Paycheck
  • Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving
  • The Frank Ocean
  • The Elena Kagan
  • The Instagram Account for Your Friend’s Recently Adopted Pit Mix
  • Anybody But My Father

A LinkedIn Post Announcing That I Shit My Pants

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I shit my pants today.

Violently.

Like many of you, I haven’t shit my pants in years. Decades, even. So, I have to admit, it made me really nervous at first.

Am I—a 34-year-old account executive—really the sort of person who accidentally releases large dumps into his Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs?

As the excrement slowly slid down the back of my thighs, my instincts told me to panic. But then I remembered the invaluable lesson I learned from career guru Mark Edelson at last year’s Presbyterians in Advertising convention: 

Breathe.

Evaluate.

Operationalize.

The thing about unleashing a surprisingly wet deuce into your pants is that it’s really not as bad as they say it is. Did you ruin a pair of underwear and a pair of Chinos? Yes. Will you have a pretty irritating rash tomorrow? Most likely.

But no amount of torrential soiling can change a simple, essential fact: you are the only you. 

We need to remember to be confident in ourselves, even if we are sitting in a squishy puddle of our own refuse.

We need to remember that every moment counts, even the ones in which our sphincter unexpectedly looses a biblical, corn-flecked fury on not just our ass and thighs, but even parts of our lower back.

We need to remember that we can achieve anything to which we set our minds. If you had told me twenty minutes ago that I was about to inundate my buttcheeks with my own feces and get the whole affair cleaned up before my wife, Francine (who is the Director of Human Resources in Chicago’s GrubHub office), returned home from the gym? I would have laughed in your face.

Most importantly, we need to remember that it’s important to read the label on our muscle relaxers.

The whole label.

It’s so important.

How Long Ago Was That Month?

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January: did not happen, largely agreed to be a myth

February: 18.75 years ago

March: 356 million years ago, was part of the Paleozoic era

April: 26 years ago, so according to our data most of our readers are still in diapers, just shitting themselves at will

May: May was actually in the year 2003, we are invading Iraq sorry

June: 3 weeks ago

July: it is currently July

August: not expected to occur this year

September: September hasn’t happened since 2015, at the latest

October: it is also currently October

November: 9 years from now, in postal service delivery times

December: again, there is no evidence that December will occur this year

Seven Quick Workouts to Get Absolutely SHREDDED While Protesting Your Local Gym Closure

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Blue-state governors HATE us for telling you these seven simple workouts you can do to get ABSOLUTELY JACKED as you gather outside your local government building to protest the stay at home orders that are keeping you out of the gym. 

  1. Looking to spice up your cardio? Add a flak jacket and 30 rounds of ammo on top of your bodyweight to get that heart rate up while you storm the stairs of the state capitol.
  2. Give your shoulders a nice burn by seeing how long you can hold up your “fear is the real virus” sign.
  3. Try some body holds! 
  4. Don’t forget the breathing exercises—see how much you can breathe onto the neck of the person in front of you at the Home Depot line before they fight you. 
  5. Get your 10,000 steps in by pacing around your apartment. 4  reps of 20 minutes should burn off all the carbs you’ve eaten in homemade sourdough. 
  6. See how many kegels you can pump out for every minute that your Zoom call lasts longer than it should. 
  7. Mental gymnastics aren’t just for your mind! Stay limber by doing pushups as you protest the stay at home orders, because nothing says “gyms should be considered an essential service” quite like doing workouts that can be done in the comfort of your home.

9 Things You Have to Try Before Quarantine Ends

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I can’t believe it’s been 12 weeks…wait. I can’t believe it’s been 6 wee… No way. That one’s definitely not right. I can’t believe it’s already Apr—fuck!

I can’t believe it’s been an amount of days or years since quarantine started. Crazy, right? For all of my ups and downs, I do feel truly #blessed at the special things I have been able to experience for the first time during this unprecedented time (@ brands—you feel me). To inspire you, I’ve pulled together some of my favorite moments into this list of the nine things you absolutely have to experience before quarantine ends. 

  1. Crying on a Tuesday afternoon
  2. Crying on a Wednesday morning
  3. Crying on what you thought was a Thursday night but was actually a gloomy Sunday afternoon and then crying because time has no meaning
  4. Eating a pineapple in the park on a sunny day while soaked in tears
  5. Picking up a new hobby, like uncontrollable sobbing
  6. Getting irrationally angry at your dog for saying something rude to you in Spanish then realizing your dog can’t talk and crying from your loneliness
  7. Cleaning the countertops with your tears
  8. Virtual backgammon—it’s pretty fun!
  9. Crying for four hours straight

How is it already week two of quarantine?!

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Um, is it just me or is time flying in quarantine? Seriously, it’s already week two and guys, I’m worried I’m gonna start losing my mind. But as I get ready for day nine of staying at home (and day seven of wearing the same sweatpants, who feels me??) I’ve come up with a few unique tips to help pass the time:

  • Read a book
  • Do a puzzle
  • Learn to bake
  • Go for a walk
  • Yoga
  • Move to your parents $4 million, seven-bed in New Hampshire (no boating though!)
  • Journal
  • Learn a language

Hope this helps!!

Five Great Ways to Stay Connected With Your Friends During Quarantine

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Start a Tontine! Feeling inspired by our word search? A tontine isn’t just a great investment vehicle, it’s also a surefire way to make sure you stay connected and deeply attuned to who among your friends is still alive and drawing from the fund. 

Find Something to Wager On! Just because there aren’t any sports on doesn’t mean you still can’t gamble. Have your friends set up a regular zoom chat so you can try something new, like Virtual Russian Roulette! 

Start a Virtual Fight Club! Go on, put those home workouts to use. See which one of your friends can land the best round-house kick on the inflatable doll your friends inexplicably bought for you from Amazon. 

Develop a Hobby! Now’s an excellent time to treat yourself to some “me” time. Maybe that means finally getting into wine by polishing off a bottle or two per night! 

Invest! The best way to survive and prosper during a bear market? Be aggressive! There’s never been a better time to treat yourself to that barrel of oil you’ve had your eyes on.