A Step-by-Step Guide to Killing Grandpa

The air is crisp, the inflatable snowmen are out, and puffer vests have been swapped for puffer coats. Yes, it’s the holiday season — and that means one thing: it’s finally time to kill grandpa. 

The old bastard has been alive long enough, and lord knows that beach house isn’t going to hand itself over. Now, with snow on the ground and disease in the air, it’s time to end things. 

To help you out, here’s our step-by-step guide to killing grandpa this holiday season.

  1. Get yourself a nice indoor meal in the busiest city near you. You can’t go killing grandpa on an empty stomach.
  2. Go to the gym regularly. You’re going to want all your strength to finally do him in.
  3. Don’t wash your hands. What, you can commit murder but you’re afraid of germs?
  4. Take a flight to get to him.
  5. Invite him and all of your relatives to a lovely Thanksgiving dinner, especially the irresponsible ones and the ones who forward chain letters
  6. At dinner, hug him and spend all of your time right by his side
  7. After dinner is over, give one more hug and a kiss on the cheek. Look him right in the face and wish him well.
  8. Wait.

If you followed all of these instructions closely, chances are great that you’ll get the ultimate Christmas present — a dead grandpa! Stay tuned for more to come in our holiday tips series. Next up: how to use the word “hero” charitably instead of doing anything useful!

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