Pop Punk Hits Remade for the 2020 Election

“Coercing a Foreign Government into Damaging a Political Rival Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off” — Panic! At The Disco ft. Rudy Giuliani

“I’m Not Okay (I Promise…SERIOUSLY)”  — Mike Bloomberg

“Check Yes, Vladimir” — Donald Trump

“Lifestyles of the Rich & Hopeless” — Tom Steyer

“The Middle America” — Amy Klobuchar

“A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Intricate Policy Planning” — Elizabeth Warren

“I’m Just a Kid (And I Was a Mayor)” — Pete Buttigieg 

“Thnks fr th Obma Yrs” — Joe Biden

“Angry Deb8er Boi” — Bernie Sanders

“I Will Do (LITERALLY) Anything” — Hillary Clinton

“Welcome to the White Parade” — The Republican National Committee 

“Wake Me Up When the Primaries End” — Everybody

Tracking Kanye’s Descent Into Whatever This Is, Through References To Him

2010: “Who you are is not what you did, you’re still an innocent” – Taylor Swift. Kanye’s not named in the song but, more than anything, that’s a statement of his presence. He doesn’t need to be named, because at that moment there could be no other “you” in the world. The song itself is either a well-intentioned forgiveness ballad or a patronizing bless-your-heart, depending on your perspective. But either way, it reinforced Kanye as one of the most relevant figures in American pop culture.

2014: “I wanna be like Kanye, I’ll be the king of me always” – The Chainsmokers. This is Kanye at his cultural peak. To be like Kanye was not just to be a musical success—it was to be a king, someone who transformed anything they touched. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, and was loved for it.

2016: “I met Kanye West, I’m never gonna fail” – Chance the Rapper. Perhaps the last time that Kanye’s name was uttered with such pure hope and exuberance, merely standing in Ye’s presence is a fulfillment of a very specific version of the American Dream. The deification of Kanye, which he would lean into heavily in subsequent years, was in full swing by 2016.

2016: “Kanye West” – Young Thug. This isn’t a lyric and Kanye isn’t actually mentioned in the song, but the track is named after him. Originally the song debuted as “Pop Man” and by the time Thugger’s album arrived it had been renamed “Elton John.” He would later change it to honor Kanye, reminding us that at his peak Kanye was unquestionably on the same tier as Sir Elton.

2018: “Thank you Kanye, very cool” – The 1975. Dripping with contempt, the Liverpudlians reduce Kanye to the role he’s played in the rise of American neofascism. As his actions got stranger and darker, a mention of Kanye was no longer a way to personify concepts of freedom and glory. In just two years, he’d been transformed into a one-line summation of the collapse of civil society.

2019: “Kanye West is blonde and gone” – Lana Del Rey. There’s nothing but pity in this line, a song-closing throwaway alongside “LA is in flames” and “Hawaii just missed that fireballs.” But the pity isn’t so much for him—he seems happy with himself!—as it is for the rest of us who lost an icon somewhere along the way. And with the word “gone,” Lana seems to say that he’s becoming the only thing he’s ever feared: irrelevant.

Aaaaanyway, RIP Kanye. 

Our Best and Worst Christmas Song Picks

Best: “Police Blow My Wad” by Afroman

If you aren’t already familiar with Afroman’s iconic Christmas album, A Colt 45 Christmas, you should immediately gather your whole extended family around your shitty phone speaker and have a listen together. It is the most extravagantly heavy-handed piece of art ever created, and it is a testament to what mankind can achieve when it is very stoned.

Our favorite track is “Police Blow My Wad,” which is set to the tune of “Feliz Navidad.” The entire body of lyrics contains a total of 14 discrete words:

    Police, blow my wad
    Police, blow my wad
    Police, blow my wad
    Police, blow my wad

    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us
    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us
    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us
    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us


A Christmas tune that has a catchy hook and a meaningful social justice message? What more could we ask for this holiday season?!
Worst: “O Holy Night” by Michael McDonald

We’ll get this out of the way, because it’s obvious: it is an inexplicable affront to God that Michael McDonald made a Christmas album. It’s titled Season of Peace: The Christmas Collection, but it would be more aptly titled Season of Piss: The Taintsweat Collection, because it is actually that bad.

While it is a demanding task to pick the very worst song on this album, we have risen to the occasion and made a surprisingly easy choice: McDonald’s cover of “O Holy Night,” which is unequivocal proof that a benevolent God does not exist.

What’s so bad about it, you ask? How could a cover of O Holy Night be such fundamental ass?

Well, a few things. First, the singer is, uh, Michael McDonald, whose vocal timbre is comparable to a malfunctioning leafblower. Second, some godless heathen—let’s face it, probably Michael McDonald—made the unconscionable decision to arrange the song in a Bossa Nova style. 

Third, it isn’t even proper Bossa Nova. It’s Bossa Nova in 7/8 with heavy string accompaniment. In other words, it’s just shitty fucking smooth jazz with a vaguely Brazilian beat. 

This song is basically elevator music, but you’re trapped in the elevator, and you know deep down inside that you’re never going to escape, and it’s Christmas morning, and all your loved ones are celebrating, but you’re just stuck in the elevator, and the only other person in the elevator is Tomi Lahren, and she’s shouting about Guatemalan immigrants while subtly dancing a Samba to the insufferable tones of Michael McDonald’s groans, set to a funky Latin arrangement of “O Holy Night.”

Merry Fucking Christmas. God is Dead.

Unsolicited Hot Take of the Week: Make the Tiny Desks in the Tiny Desk Concerts Actually Tiny

NPR’s Tiny Desk Concerts are great. Your favorite musicians! Reworked, acoustic-ish covers of your favorite songs! Painstakingly curated shelves! 

But there’s one thing these performances are missing: tiny desks. 

For too long has the liberal radio media lied to us about the size of the so-called “tiny desk.” That’s probably because they thought we could only hear what was happening. But the visual truth is out there, folks. Feast your eyes on the relative size of this desk: 

Exhibit A

Lizzo is comfortably performing at this desk. Lizzo is approximately 5’10” (a very normal height), and it looks like she could spend hours at that desk working the phones for NPR’s annual donation drive. You could fit two interns at a minimum in that work station and still have enough room for your nonchalantly located Emmy. Thus, the desk is likely a very normal-sized desk and not, as we’ve been led to believe, a so-called “tiny” desk.

It’s time for NPR to come clean with America. Either rename the series “Normal-Sized-for-the-Modern-Gig-Economy Desk Concerts,” or else find a size-appropriate desk.

Give us what we want. T. Pain sitting on one of those middle school desks where the chair and the desk are all one fused piece of steel and linoleum. The Hot 8 Brass Band gathered around a nice 17th century boudoir piece. Taylor Swift struggling to keep up on a standing desk/treadmill apparatus while she plays her deepest cuts (sitting is the new smoking people). 

Mr. Boilen, from NPR’s All Songs Considered, please. Make. These. Tiny. Desks. Actually. Tiny. 

Thank you. 

The Songs We’ll Be Singing at Weddings in 2040

  • Shallow (no one will mention it’s about self-harm)
  • Mo Bamba (please—and I can’t stress this enough—distribute cards reminding white relatives that it’s not appropriate to sing all the words)
  • Lover (in so far as one sings along to a first dance)
  • No Diggity (we still won’t have developed the technology to dance to it well though 😭)
  • Summer of ’69 (Ryan Adams is CANCELED)
  • I Gotta Feeling (as required by federal law)

Every Post-Breakup One Direction Hit Song… But On a Tri-Axis Scatter Plot

There is no doubt: Pillowtalk is the single greatest song ever written. It makes every one of Beethoven’s symphonies look like steaming piles of decaying horseshit. The fact that The Beatles are still on Spotify when Pillowtalk is literally RIGHT THERE is widely considered to be among the greatest crises of our times. This, we all agree on.

But… is it more of a bop? Or a jam? Or maybe a banger? These are the questions we need to be asking ourselves. But the questions don’t stop there. What about all the other former One Direction members? Have they released songs post-breakup too? And if so, are those songs bops, bangers, or jams?

Folks, this calls for nothing less than our best data visualization. Unfortunately, we were all out of that. So here, have this color-coded tri-axis scatterplot instead:

Graphing Post-Breakup One Direction Songs

Yeah, we listened to every song that charted on the Billboard Hot 100 released by a former 1D member after the band broke up. But we didn’t just do the easy part. We did the hard part too: we plotted each of those songs along three axes (bops, bangers and jams*) and color coded them by artist.

Why did we do this? For liberty and justice, probably. But what did this show us? A few things:

  • Harry Styles is a jam machine. Spread this sweet boy on some hearty 11-grain toast cause he is 100% organic cage-free jam. 
  • Niall, on the hand, is committed to bops—and for a while I was worried that he just couldn’t stop. But then, in the year of our lord 2019, something happened. He stopped. And what we got was his first ever jam, Nice to Meet Ya. Our nation’s top scientists must remain vigilant to see what he does next. More jams? A return to bops? Or, dare I say it, a banger?! A frightened nations waits to find out.
  • And then there’s Zayn. Yes, Pillowtalk is undeniably a banger. Perhaps the most banging banger that every banged. But he checks in with bops and jams too! My guy’s a versatile king and frankly, we love to see it.
  • Finally, we must discuss Liam. Criminally underrated Liam. The only 1D member with even a single Migo on any of his tracks. The soft-spoken lad who has *checks notes* consistently released certified bangers every year since the band dissolved? Honestly, I’m proud of him. But I’m even prouder of me for being proud of him.

What we do with this information is surely for the courts to decide. But know this: as long as the boys are making music, we’ll be plotting it in a scatterly fashion. With Pillowtalk on repeat in the background, obviously.

____
*If you don’t know the difference between the Three Types Of Songs I honestly don’t even know what to tell you.

The Five Best Movie-Ending Songs of All Time

Just Like Honey – Lost in Translation
It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock ‘n’ Roll), as performed by the band from School of Rock – School of Rock
Don’t You (Forget About Me) – Breakfast Club
Ooh La La – Rushmore 
The Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party – Shrek

___
*That aren’t “The Sound of Silence” from The Graduate, because it’s uncomfortable to look at Dustin Hoffman for that long. 

Unsolicited Hot Take of the Week: Are We Sure that “Brown Eyed Girl” Is Good?

It is appalling that “Brown Eyed Girl” is Van Morrison’s most famous song. It might not even be one of his best fifteen songs, and saying that it’s his best is tantamount to saying that Mozart’s best composition was “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”

If you were judging only Brown Eyed Girl and every song on Astral Weeks, it wouldn’t make the Top Five. If you were judging only Brown Eyed Girl and every song on Moondance, it wouldn’t make the Top Ten. Do you know how many songs there are on Moondance? There are ten. Every song on Moondance is better than Brown Eyed Girl.

Okay, Brown Eyed Girl is better than “Glad Tidings.” But the point stands!

This is all to say that there’s a lesson to be learned here: a beautiful, lyrical, profound song like “Madame George” will always be less popular than a song that convinces 80% of the women in the world that it’s about them—even if the latter is a corny, generic, first-song-played-at-a-wedding-so-the-old-people-feel-comfortable-hitting-the-dance-floor-ass song like Brown Eyed Girl.