Author: leftonreadletter

Five Outlets for Your Quarantine Loneliness

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So you’re rolling into week nine of quarantine, and let’s just say things are getting a little desperate. Your roommate abandoned you for their family home in Connecticut (with a fucking pool) WEEKS ago, and the closest thing you’ve experienced to human contact is when you accidentally got within a foot of your neighbor during the social distancing hallway dance then both of you sprinted away. Tinder has gotten intensely introspective and the dark corners of the internet have lost their shine. That boule though…It’s looking pretty…tasty. And it’s not the only one.

Here are five sourdough breads that look good enough to fuck.

5. Scored for your pleasure

4. It even comes with lube

3. I mean, wouldn’t you?

2. Look at those curves

  1. Sploosh

Point/Counterpoint: Should Jay Cutler be the next Bachelor?

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Love is dead. You heard it here first, or maybe a few days ago when the boys’ group chat lit up with the news that Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are divorcing after six years of marriage and three years of occasionally meme-worthy TV. 

So what should come next for the newly single Cutler? Should he return to the broadcast booth? Or endorse his favorite brand of smokes? The people have a different idea: Make Jay Cutler the next Bachelor. Our panel of experts weighs in on whether that’s such a good idea:

Pro: Make the Cut with Jay Cut

  • Years of living in Chicago should have primed Cutler for the institutional racism of The Bachelor
  • He’s already used to people talking shit about him behind his back
  • Excelled at the fence jumping portion of the NFL combine
  • Cutty’s charisma, unlike his QB play, is unbeatable
  • It should be easy for ABC’s producers to cut together Cutler’s career highlights for the episode 1 intro
  • He could easily be replaced by a different lead without the show missing a beat
  • We know all of his bad political views in advance 
  • He’s not afraid to get hurt  
  • Is mediocre white guy

Con: Un-Bearable

  • America’s not ready to see his butt again 
  • There’s just no telling what toll that much champagne would take on his diabetes
  • Nobody will be surprised when he makes a pick
  • That man cannot go that long without eating 
  • If we’ve developed a coronavirus vaccine by the time filming starts for season 25, we can’t guarantee that he’ll get it. 
  • Who knows if he’ll make it through the season
  • Gunslinger mentality ill-adapted to the modern RPO-style offense pioneered by Colton
  • Might force the nation into some weird conversations about goats
  • He’s pretty fat now

Marvel Superheroes, If ESPN Was Introducing Them

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Spider-man

  • From Queens, NY
  • Does whatever a spider can
  • Raised by single aunt in a 625 sq ft apt
  • Sticky hands
  • Parents dead!!

Captain America

  • Benches 625 raw (550 power clean)
  • 102 years old, making him the oldest Avenger in this year’s draft
  • Blue collar, red-and-blue-shield type player
  • Player comparison: a white one

Black Panther

  • From island nation of “Africa”
  • Cat-like reflexes
  • Grew up poor, we assume
  • High school coach describes him as: “natural talent, a freak athletically, incredible specimen”

Thor

  • God of thunder
  • Dead mom!!!
  • Averaged 11.6 YPC in 2019
  • Coach’s son
  • Three-time consensus all-MVC
  • New England will make him play wide receiver
  • [Brent Musberger voice] Have you seen his girlfriend?

Thanos

  • Five-tooled, six-infinity-stoned player
  • Has all the measurables
  • Working to support his adopted daughters
  • Generational talent who plays well in space
  • Can take out half the opposing team

Hulk

  • Recorded 27 sacks in 1.5 games for Harvard
  • Abusive father 😦
  • Described as “gym rat” by gamma ray lab tech
  • He MAJORED! In SCIENCE!

Iron Man

  • Locker room guy
  • High IQ 
  • Cerebral
  • Overcame debilitating and, frankly, embarrassing addiction issues

Ant-Man

  • Tremendous upside
  • Saw a man do a drug once!
  • Lived in a van 
  • Tweener
  • Sneaky athletic

This Puppy Is So Cute It Might Just Distract You from the Crumbling of Modern Society

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Wook at this itty bitty fwuffy face! Oh, those eyes! I could just spend all day staring into those big ole eyes instead of staring down the barrel of a looming economic depression. You’re not afraid of a little depressy wessy, are you, you fluffy nugget of hope? And look at the boopable snoot! That snoot needs a boop like thousands of doctors desperately need PPE that they can’t get. No they can’t get it, can they?!? No they can’t. You are just the absolute picture of love. Your wittle fwuffy body is so filled with love, it’s almost possible to forget how our political culture is increasingly dominated by hate. What a wittle wuv bug! Thank God for you, and only you.

Credit: Animal Haven

The 10 Best Quotes of The Last Dance, So Far

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10. “There’s no I in team, but  there’s an I in win.” – Michael Jordan, when it was suggested that he could have had the ball slightly less often. 

9. “Straight up bitches.” – Horace Grant, describing the dauphin dynasty Detroit Pistons leaving the court without shaking hands after being disemboweled by the Bulls 4–0 in the 1991 ECF. 

8. “Are those the pills you take to keep you short or are those diet pills?” – MJ, a tall king, mocking body positivity icon Jerry Krause. 

7. “They had Craig Ehlo on me, which, in all honesty, was a mistake.” – MJ, 31 years after making a shot over Craig Ehlo. 

6. “Mom and dad, he’s an alcoholic.” – MJ, as Scott Burrell pleads with him to stop bringing up his infidelity and alcohol consumption on camera. 

5. “Michael was like the Pied Piper walking down the Champs-Élysées.” – The late David Stern, slandering MJ with allegations of paedocide. 

4. “Well, I think it’s been pretty easy.” – MJ, as a rookie, when asked about playing in the world’s foremost professional basketball league.

3. “Scottie, ya know, he’s got feelings.” – MJ, talking about the complex mental machinations of the greatest number two of all time. 

2. “I’m not gonna fuck my summer up.” – Scottie Pippen, unveiling those complex mental machinations to be primarily a desire to have a sick, surgery-free hot girl summer. 

1. “That was God disguised as Michael Jordan.” – Former Indiana State University letterman Larry Bird, falsely implying there is a distinction between God and Michael Jordan. 

The Trap of the No-Skip Album

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If you’ve logged on recently, you might have noticed that online is bad. But in recent weeks, a sort-of-almost-maybe-kind-of-good trend has sprung up amongst the quarantined. Or at least, a trend that seems like it could be good at first glance.  You’ve seen it: the no-skip album challenge, the five perfect films, whatever that Bill Clinton thing is. 

These challenges offer a chance to bask in shared cultural connections and revisit some of our favorite pieces of art. They also offer a chance to stress the fuck out. 

I mean, what even is a no-skip album? Like I know definitionally what those words mean, but is it an album I’ve never once skipped a song on? Or an album where I love every song? An album where I like every song enough to give it a listen? Even my favorite albums of all time get boring if I’m not in the right mood. 

And is everyone else adhering to  the same rules? Or should I just pick my favorite few albums and call it a day? When I first started thinking of no-skip albums my mind flew to Channel Orange, but then… I looked at the track list. And yeah, it’s got some all-time great songs. More classics than any album really has a right to, in my opinion. But then there’s the slightly underwhelming forgotten tracks too. And the interludes! If I skip an interlude, is that no longer a no-skip album? 

And more importantly, what will other people think if I don’t include Channel Orange? Am I a fake Frank fan? Uncultured swine? And what if I include My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy? Am I endorsing Kanye’s misogyny and absurdist political semi-ideology? 

Or what if I end up with just Springsteen, Bon Iver, Carly Rae Jepson, and Fleetwood Mac? #NoSkipAlbumsListSoWhite?

And don’t even get me started on the five perfect movies challenge. No movie is perfect, even the greatest films ever made. It’s A Wonderful Life was an easy inclusion for me, but the treatment of Annie (and other women) throughout is deeply troubling. Silence of the Lambs still takes my breath away, but at what point are gender non-conforming individuals going to stop being portrayed as deranged and dangerous? 

Truthfully, the challenge lies in putting together a list that shows just how cool, cultured, intelligent, and relatable you are. You need a mix of high brow and humorous, a list that shows you’ve got love for the classics but are in touch with the times,* one that includes diversity of experience but does not include Green Book. 

Ultimately, I think the problem with these challenges is that I am wildly insecure and need everyone to love and cherish me constantly. A therapist might say that’s unrealistic or self-defeating but joke’s on you, my insurance doesn’t have first-dollar mental health coverage so we’ll never truly know.

So I’ll just keep curating, desperately trying to hone my brand through my choices. As I write this, a friend has literally just tagged me in the Bill Clinton one. I think this is just albums I vibe with, right? Or is it ones I listen to after not inhaling a marijuana cigarette? My favorite jams for corporate-friendly center-left activism? 

Rest assured, I’ll stress about this one a lot too. 

*If you don’t have Moonlight or Get Out on your list, I don’t fuck with you anymore. Sorry, that’s the rules. 

So, um, it’s Joe

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Think back to those heady days of 2017. Think about the righteous anger of a people relearning what it means to be subjected to minority rule. Think of the fury directed at the buffoonish demagoguery of a wannabe strongman. Remember the wide-eyed possibilities we’d dreamt up. 

Maybe Michelle would run. Or Oprah! One of these hotshot senators could do the trick, or maybe we’d finally let Bernie take a crack at it! 

Now think back to the relief of November 2018. That feeling that you weren’t crazy. That reassuring sense that help was on the way, that the cavalry was on the horizon. 

Now look at a photo of Joe Biden. Fuck. Try to calm down. Fail. This is, apparently, our guy. 

It’s a very strange sensation, to watch the most important primary of our lifetime just kind of slip into the background. I was never a Bernie backer but his politics are closer to mine than Biden’s are, and I can’t imagine how surreal this has been for the Berners. Years spent organizing and rallying and volunteering and dreaming and then… Clyburn endorses Biden, half the field drops out and endorses him over the course of 15 minutes, Super Tuesday’s a sweep, and it all ends with a whimper as a pandemic ravages the globe. 

Ok. Cool. Fuck. It’s a little bit like if your smart friend vouched for some guy 12 years ago and now, on the strength of that recommendation, that dude is responsible for saving the fucking world. 

Again, it’s cool. 

But after all that, we have to take a few breaths. Based on a cursory knowledge of the age demographics of our subscribers, I’m gonna guess that much like me, Joe wasn’t your first choice. Or second. Or really in your top five. And this isn’t going to be a lecture about how you have a responsibility to vote for him anyway, or how entertaining third parties is a form of privilege (read a very good piece on that here though). 

This is just to say that it’s really fucking strange that the American experiment—the world’s oldest democracy, having survived world wars, pandemics, depressions, a civil war, and approximately 350 years of refusal to live up to its founding principles—now hinges on the capabilities of a guy we thought would be remembered at best as a funny uncle to the American people and at worst as a creepy uncle to the American women.

But that’s where we’re at. The world is ending, the president’s a neofascist, climate change is hurtling at us with growing speed, and a coalition that most young people aren’t part of picked Joe Fucking Biden to save us. That’s how democracy works. It wasn’t rigged, it’s not unfair. More people thought he should be the guy than any other. 

Godspeed, Joe. I guess. 

How is it already week two of quarantine?!

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Um, is it just me or is time flying in quarantine? Seriously, it’s already week two and guys, I’m worried I’m gonna start losing my mind. But as I get ready for day nine of staying at home (and day seven of wearing the same sweatpants, who feels me??) I’ve come up with a few unique tips to help pass the time:

  • Read a book
  • Do a puzzle
  • Learn to bake
  • Go for a walk
  • Yoga
  • Move to your parents $4 million, seven-bed in New Hampshire (no boating though!)
  • Journal
  • Learn a language

Hope this helps!!

Five Great Ways to Stay Connected With Your Friends During Quarantine

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Start a Tontine! Feeling inspired by our word search? A tontine isn’t just a great investment vehicle, it’s also a surefire way to make sure you stay connected and deeply attuned to who among your friends is still alive and drawing from the fund. 

Find Something to Wager On! Just because there aren’t any sports on doesn’t mean you still can’t gamble. Have your friends set up a regular zoom chat so you can try something new, like Virtual Russian Roulette! 

Start a Virtual Fight Club! Go on, put those home workouts to use. See which one of your friends can land the best round-house kick on the inflatable doll your friends inexplicably bought for you from Amazon. 

Develop a Hobby! Now’s an excellent time to treat yourself to some “me” time. Maybe that means finally getting into wine by polishing off a bottle or two per night! 

Invest! The best way to survive and prosper during a bear market? Be aggressive! There’s never been a better time to treat yourself to that barrel of oil you’ve had your eyes on.