Author: leftonreadletter

Let’s use the de-aging technology from The Irishman to see if Larry King has always looked that way

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No child should be able to live and die in the United States today without knowing, once and for all, if Larry King has always looked like Baby Yoda in suspenders. That’s why Left on Read is calling on CNN to use the de-aging technology from The Irishman to see if Larry King has always looked that way.

For too long have we wondered what the nation’s most-trusted interviewer and worst tweeter would look like as a young man. Would it be like if you stretched a white raisin thin, then gave it Buddy Holly glasses and a wife who’s half its age? Or would it be like if we CGI’d Ryan Gosling’s face over Mark Zuckerberg’s body and had it lob softballs at a recently me-too’d celebrity? We deserve to know. 

We have the technology. Thanks to noted Marvel truther Martin Scorsese, we have the power to de-age stars like Robert De Niro to see what a young mobster would look like. It’s time we use Netflix’s unholy power for good. And if Scorsese wants to set this de-aged Larry King on a Rolling Stones–scored montage of cocaine abuse and paisley ties, well, then that’s his right.

CNN, please. Let. Us. Use. The. De-aging. Technology. From. The. Irishman. To. See. If. Larry. King. Has. Always. Looked. This. Way.

Pwoké Bowls: Refreshing Bowls for the Performatively Woke

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Welcome to Pwoké Bowls, proudly serving performatively woke twists on a Hawaiian classic since 2008. Here’s this week’s offerings of the dishes that we’re not going to follow through on: 

Kamal-ahi Harris

  • Californian mild rice 
  • Sweet onions
  • Exculpatory-document-shredded carrots
  • Avocado
  • Item discontinued for lack of customer interest

Momé Bloggé 

  • White rice
  • Sashimi
  • Facebook post in Comic Sans MS about own courage in talking to people of other races while on the Buttigieg campaign trail.
  • Sliced radish
  • Hawaiian roll

Oberge-don’t-fall-for-it v. Hodges

  • Syrupy sweet soy sauce
  • Grating-Scalia-Dissent ginger
  • Drizzled with a light, hollow pastiche that won’t protect your broader rights to be free from discrimination in any meaningful way
  • Edamame
  • Upgrade to a size XL serving of Anthony Kennedy’s self-aggrandizement

The Choomwagon

  • Green onions
  • Snowflake triggerfish
  • Comfortably living with the legacy of Obama’s deportation policy and reliance on drone warfare
  • Pineapple
  • Toasted, organically sourced hemp seeds

Ally & AJ

  • Handbag hot sauce
  • Gochugaru
  • Trail of tumblr posts that cite bell hooks
  • Yellowfin tuna
  • JK Rowling Clapback Cucumber Water

Headlines We’d Definitely See If Trump Literally Just Tweeted All The Racial Slurs He Knows

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Journalists have been at the front lines of countless pitched battles during the Trump administration, bringing light to corruption and transparency to government. But also, they did this. 

So it’s worth asking: how would they handle their greatest test of all? How would our beloved free press respond if the president tweeted “ATTENTION: I’m gonna tweet out all the racial slurs I know (THREAD 1/)” and then proceeded to do just that? We have some ideas:

  • “In latest racial controversy, backers see Trump exercising free speech” – The New York Times
  • “Barr: Kanye said he could” – The Wall Street Journal
  • “#StandWithTrump trends as thousands tweet racially tinged epithets in solidarity” – The Washington Post
  • “Dems fret free speech controversy puts Massachusetts in play for 2020” – Politico
  • “Racist country’s racist president tweets racist things” – BBC
  • “COURAGE: Pres. Trump takes on corrupt civil rights industry” – Fox News
  • “Obama’s hip hop barbeque STILL didn’t create any jobs” – Fox Nation
  • “I…worked on this story for a year…… and he… he just tweeted it out” – www.krassenblog.woke.com 
  • “Good.” – Breitbart
  • “Undaunted by the Trump supporter we saw on the freeway last week, we bravely condemn Trump’s tweets” – Deadspin
  • “I mean, let’s at least hear him out” – Financial Times editorial board
  • “YASSSS KWEEN: Hillary issues epic clapback, calls on users to report Trump tweets to proper authorities” – www.resistancemamas.blogspot.com
  • “Celtics practice ends six minutes early” – The Boston Globe
  • “Opioids now account for 100% of county deaths” – Youngstown Herald

Tracking Kanye’s Descent Into Whatever This Is, Through References To Him

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2010: “Who you are is not what you did, you’re still an innocent” – Taylor Swift. Kanye’s not named in the song but, more than anything, that’s a statement of his presence. He doesn’t need to be named, because at that moment there could be no other “you” in the world. The song itself is either a well-intentioned forgiveness ballad or a patronizing bless-your-heart, depending on your perspective. But either way, it reinforced Kanye as one of the most relevant figures in American pop culture.

2014: “I wanna be like Kanye, I’ll be the king of me always” – The Chainsmokers. This is Kanye at his cultural peak. To be like Kanye was not just to be a musical success—it was to be a king, someone who transformed anything they touched. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, and was loved for it.

2016: “I met Kanye West, I’m never gonna fail” – Chance the Rapper. Perhaps the last time that Kanye’s name was uttered with such pure hope and exuberance, merely standing in Ye’s presence is a fulfillment of a very specific version of the American Dream. The deification of Kanye, which he would lean into heavily in subsequent years, was in full swing by 2016.

2016: “Kanye West” – Young Thug. This isn’t a lyric and Kanye isn’t actually mentioned in the song, but the track is named after him. Originally the song debuted as “Pop Man” and by the time Thugger’s album arrived it had been renamed “Elton John.” He would later change it to honor Kanye, reminding us that at his peak Kanye was unquestionably on the same tier as Sir Elton.

2018: “Thank you Kanye, very cool” – The 1975. Dripping with contempt, the Liverpudlians reduce Kanye to the role he’s played in the rise of American neofascism. As his actions got stranger and darker, a mention of Kanye was no longer a way to personify concepts of freedom and glory. In just two years, he’d been transformed into a one-line summation of the collapse of civil society.

2019: “Kanye West is blonde and gone” – Lana Del Rey. There’s nothing but pity in this line, a song-closing throwaway alongside “LA is in flames” and “Hawaii just missed that fireballs.” But the pity isn’t so much for him—he seems happy with himself!—as it is for the rest of us who lost an icon somewhere along the way. And with the word “gone,” Lana seems to say that he’s becoming the only thing he’s ever feared: irrelevant.

Aaaaanyway, RIP Kanye. 

The Top Ten Lists of 2019

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10. The New York Times: The Year in Photos
9. Celebration Rock: Best Albums of the Decade
8. McSweeney’s: Ten Questions to Ask Someone Instead of “When Are You Going to Have a Baby”
7. The Ringer: The Best Memes of 2019
6. The NBA: Whatever ballots gave Carmelo the Western Conference Player of the Week over Harden and Luka
5. Banner Society: Naming THE definitive national champ for each season, 1869-2018
4. Pitchfork: The 200 Best Songs of the 2010s (having your only Taylor Swift song be “All Too Well” is an iconic move)
3. The New York Times: What Did the U.S. Get for $2 Trillion in Afghanistan?
2. The Mueller Investigation: 7-Count Charge Against Roger Stone
1. Left on Read: The 10 Best College Football Games of the Decade

It’s a Wonderful Life, Reviewed: An Emotionally Abusive Drunk Driver Conspires To Commit Insurance Fraud

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There’s nothing better than a holiday classic, and no other movie hits all the high notes quite like It’s A Wonderful Life.

In Frank Capra’s masterpiece, we get all anyone wants in a Christmas movie: a gritty look at a small town loan officer’s slow descent into madness. Who can forget as George Bailey screams and shouts at his children, reducing his wife to tears as he destroys his house in a violent rage? Or the iconic holiday moment as he drunkenly slams his car into a historic tree and promptly flees the scene?

And there’s nothing more festive than a little insurance fraud, right? Well, unless you count insurance fraud with a dash of suicidal thoughts thrown in! Fortunately, this movie gives us all that and more as we witness our hero attempt to fix his company’s books with ill-begotten life insurance payouts.

Of course, the emotional apex arrives when the impoverished townspeople band together to fork over their life savings to George, only to find out that a wealthy benefactor has already covered the costs. George does not return anyone’s money. It’s literally the perfect Christmas classic. 

Our Best and Worst Christmas Song Picks

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Best: “Police Blow My Wad” by Afroman

If you aren’t already familiar with Afroman’s iconic Christmas album, A Colt 45 Christmas, you should immediately gather your whole extended family around your shitty phone speaker and have a listen together. It is the most extravagantly heavy-handed piece of art ever created, and it is a testament to what mankind can achieve when it is very stoned.

Our favorite track is “Police Blow My Wad,” which is set to the tune of “Feliz Navidad.” The entire body of lyrics contains a total of 14 discrete words:

    Police, blow my wad
    Police, blow my wad
    Police, blow my wad
    Police, blow my wad

    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us
    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us
    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us
    I wish the cops stop fuckin’ with us

A Christmas tune that has a catchy hook and a meaningful social justice message? What more could we ask for this holiday season?!
Worst: “O Holy Night” by Michael McDonald

We’ll get this out of the way, because it’s obvious: it is an inexplicable affront to God that Michael McDonald made a Christmas album. It’s titled Season of Peace: The Christmas Collection, but it would be more aptly titled Season of Piss: The Taintsweat Collection, because it is actually that bad.

While it is a demanding task to pick the very worst song on this album, we have risen to the occasion and made a surprisingly easy choice: McDonald’s cover of “O Holy Night,” which is unequivocal proof that a benevolent God does not exist.

What’s so bad about it, you ask? How could a cover of O Holy Night be such fundamental ass?

Well, a few things. First, the singer is, uh, Michael McDonald, whose vocal timbre is comparable to a malfunctioning leafblower. Second, some godless heathen—let’s face it, probably Michael McDonald—made the unconscionable decision to arrange the song in a Bossa Nova style. 

Third, it isn’t even proper Bossa Nova. It’s Bossa Nova in 7/8 with heavy string accompaniment. In other words, it’s just shitty fucking smooth jazz with a vaguely Brazilian beat. 

This song is basically elevator music, but you’re trapped in the elevator, and you know deep down inside that you’re never going to escape, and it’s Christmas morning, and all your loved ones are celebrating, but you’re just stuck in the elevator, and the only other person in the elevator is Tomi Lahren, and she’s shouting about Guatemalan immigrants while subtly dancing a Samba to the insufferable tones of Michael McDonald’s groans, set to a funky Latin arrangement of “O Holy Night.”

Merry Fucking Christmas. God is Dead.

Close Friends is nice, but here are 5 more tiers Instagram should add to stories

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The Boys Back Home: There is nothing — NOTHING — more important than the boys back home. They crave a steady flow of your content. Don’t you dare forget about the boys back home!!

Mom ❤: For your once-a-year wholesome content. Crucially, this feature also sends your mom a twice weekly DM explaining how to use Instagram and reminding her to like and share all your posts.

Bae Who Doesn’t Know They’re Bae: Only one person is allowed on this list, a repository for only your hottest pics.

I Have Done An Alcohol: hahaha guysssss I’m so young and fun (basically everyone except for your coworkers and kids who won the D.A.R.E. poster contest).

Nudes: All of your friends are on this list, it’s more of a public account feature, really. Free the nip, folks.

Unsolicited Hot Take of the Week: Make the Tiny Desks in the Tiny Desk Concerts Actually Tiny

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NPR’s Tiny Desk Concerts are great. Your favorite musicians! Reworked, acoustic-ish covers of your favorite songs! Painstakingly curated shelves! 

But there’s one thing these performances are missing: tiny desks. 

For too long has the liberal radio media lied to us about the size of the so-called “tiny desk.” That’s probably because they thought we could only hear what was happening. But the visual truth is out there, folks. Feast your eyes on the relative size of this desk: 

Exhibit A

Lizzo is comfortably performing at this desk. Lizzo is approximately 5’10” (a very normal height), and it looks like she could spend hours at that desk working the phones for NPR’s annual donation drive. You could fit two interns at a minimum in that work station and still have enough room for your nonchalantly located Emmy. Thus, the desk is likely a very normal-sized desk and not, as we’ve been led to believe, a so-called “tiny” desk.

It’s time for NPR to come clean with America. Either rename the series “Normal-Sized-for-the-Modern-Gig-Economy Desk Concerts,” or else find a size-appropriate desk.

Give us what we want. T. Pain sitting on one of those middle school desks where the chair and the desk are all one fused piece of steel and linoleum. The Hot 8 Brass Band gathered around a nice 17th century boudoir piece. Taylor Swift struggling to keep up on a standing desk/treadmill apparatus while she plays her deepest cuts (sitting is the new smoking people). 

Mr. Boilen, from NPR’s All Songs Considered, please. Make. These. Tiny. Desks. Actually. Tiny. 

Thank you.