Left on Read Is Hiring!!

Have you dreamed of working for the sometimes bi-weekly newsletter that The New Yorker once referred to as “spectacularly self-assured”? Then you’re in luck. Left On Read is looking to hire one passionate, self-motivated, and experienced individual who can come explain to us what the fuck happened in Tenet.

The only requirement is a PhD in particle physics, since that’s apparently needed to understand this goddamn movie. Research questions of interest to you should include:

  • How the fuck does someone travel backward and forward through time at the same damn time?
  • Is there even a remotely scientific basis to any of this at all?
  • Is that woman really that tall?
  • How can I learn to have even a vanishingly small percentage of the swagger that John David Washington has?
  • Hang on, John David Washington played running back for the Saint Louis Rams??

It probably goes without saying, but this position is entirely uncompensated. 

Was New Years Always This Dumb A Holiday?

In most years, the last couple weeks of December are a frantic rush to make sure I have New Years plans. Not necessarily anything big, even, but an opportunity to bring a few friends together, share a bottle or two of champagne, and watch Ryan Seacrest be a dipshit on TV. Making these plans is usually pretty stressful, because I know that if I spend yet another New Years alone, drinking shitty beer and playing a game of Civilization in which all of my cities are named some variation of Gooch — Goochtown, Goochville, Fort Gooch, Buenos Gooches, Stratford-Upon-Gooch, you get the idea — it’ll be a little bit depressing.

This year, though, I had an excuse to not make any New Years plans, because of the pandemmy. And it was…magnificent? I made dinner, took multiple edibles, watched Greyhound (it’s not a terrific movie!), and went to sleep at 12:30pm. I woke up feeling distinctly un-hungover and, besides the usual existential malaise one naturally feels upon waking up to realize the world is still turning, pretty fantastic.

It makes one wonder: has New Years always been such a useless holiday?

Like, I get that it’s a natural occasion to celebrate. The passage of time, new beginnings, fond nostalgia for the last year, posting all your stupid pics on Insta, etc etc. But are there not better ways to celebrate? For instance, getting high as balls and watching a joyless Tom Hanks pace around a destroyer in the North Atlantic?

Here’s my proposal: let’s all just agree to not celebrate New Years anymore. No more starting the year hungover, no more fretting about plans, no more making out with your friend’s high school friend in a suburban basement. How about we all just stay at home, watch a movie, notice that it’s past midnight, and go “oh wow, guess it’s 2022 now. Huh,” then promptly go to bed and have dreams about getting married and opening up a Bed-and-Breakfast with Elisabeth Shue.

The Case for a Philip Rivers vs. Alex Smith Super Bowl

After the dumbest week in the dumbest season in the dumb history of the dumbest sport, the NFL playoffs are set. There are a few noteworthy elements of this year’s bracket: Ron Rivera has once again led a shitty team to the playoffs by virtue of being in a terrible division, the Cleveland Browns are in the playoffs for the first time since 1840, and Tom Brady is still not eating strawberries.

While these narratives should add some flavor to the first week of the playoffs, there’s another one that’s much more important: there is a chance that we could have a Super Bowl that pits Philip Rivers against Alex Smith in what would surely be the most glorious rockfight between two twilit quarterbacks since Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson faced off in Super Bowl XXXV. And if you’re not rooting for that outcome, you’re either clinically insane or you prefer to watch football that is good.

Let’s just go through some facts here. For starters, Rivers and Smith (to be sung aloud in a Head And The Heart voice) have been alive for a combined 75 years, and I think that’s beautiful.

Alex Smith, who has done so much game-managing that he has rightly earned the title of Dungeon Master, instigated America’s racial awakening when he was benched in favor of Colin Kaepernick in 2012. He had SEVENTEEN surgeries after his leg injury two years ago. (I know what you’re thinking: that has to be at least two surgeries per Philip Rivers offspring! Well, it is not.) Somehow, he still decided he wanted to come back and play football for a team whose three-letter appellation reads as the sound of quiet fart. 

Philip Rivers, on the other hand, spent sixteen fairly prolific years stuck in San Diego because Eli Manning is a mouth-breathing peen, finally leaving last year to take a shot at a ring with a new team. He has the facial expressions of a Blue Mountain State character and the political views of Rick Santorum. That’s not an exaggeration, he literally stumped for Santorum. The politician, not the anal ooze.

For all the immense quarterback talent in this year’s playoffs — Aaron Rodgers, Pat Mahomes, and some other marquee names who, and I cannot stress this enough, can still get the Rodgers Rate and/or the Patrick Price at State Farm — I think it would be fun as hell to see two grizzled, socially conservative veterans duke it out for their last chance to hoist the Lombardi trophy.

Hell, I’ll even take it further than that: these two guys represent the New American Dream. They started their careers in California, realized it sucked ass, and moved back East to settle down with their families and fade away into obscurity. They pulled off the Reverse Steinbeck and stuck the landing. 

Lamar Jackson, Baker Mayfield, Russell Wilson — sure, they’re fun and all, but this year, I want something different. So, with that in mind, I encourage you to join me in a refrain that has echoed through Corporate America for centuries: give me the mediocre middle-aged white men.

Movies Coming Out In 2021, Ranked By How Much They Will Test My Resolve To Not Be A Complete Moron And Go See Them In Theaters

2020 was not a great year for the film industry. The problems started in March, when movie theaters closed due to Covid-19, and continued all the way through late December, when we all realized that, despite our highest hopes, The Irishman would not end this calendar year. 

For moviegoers, all we have left is to look forward to the bevy of exciting movies coming out in 2021. Here are a few of them, ranked in ascending order of how likely they are to compel me to be a totally irresponsible dipshit and go sit indoors in a room full of strangers for two and a half hours.

5. Top Gun: Maverick

Haha just kidding. Eat shit, Tom Cruise, you middle-toothed psycho shitweed.

4. Black Widow

Look, I’m pretty careful about Covid-19 precautions. But I’m only human. And when you give me not just a first look at MCU Phase Four, but also David Harbour as what appears to be an overweight, booze-addled Russian superhero has-been, you are basically inviting me to put a couple hours of entertainment ahead of my obvious responsibilities to the health of myself and my community.

3. The King’s Man

The coming prequel, which will round out the spectacularly fun Kingsman trilogy, looks to be a surprisingly dramatic and intense war movie. It has Tywin Lannister, the warlord from Fast 7, and the war hero from Inglourious Basterds AKA the villain from Captain America: Civil War. And I’m supposed to stay at home and acknowledge that my actions have consequences???

2. No Time To Die

James Bond movies were made to be seen in theaters, or otherwise to be binge-watched on Tuesday mornings when you’ve just graduated college and still don’t have a job. This one is no exception. I’d like to be considerate of the world around me, but this movie might tie my hands (and also put me in a chair with the seat cut out and proceed to slap the hell out of my nuts with a rope knot).

1. F9


Ranking The Damn Monoliths

If there is one thing we know about the monoliths that have begun popping up worldwide, it’s this: they say a lot about society. 

If there are TWO things we know about the monoliths that have begun popping up worldwide, it’s this: happy monoliths are all alike; every unhappy monolith is unhappy in its own way. 

But if there are THREE things we know about the monoliths that have begun popping up nationwide, it’s this: I’m gonna rank em. 

7. The New Mexico MonolithThis monolith bored me. 

6. The Second California Monolith. I fucking hate this piece of garbage. A boring, clearly copycat influencer-bait piece of shit. It wasn’t even the first monolith in its county

5. The Romanian MonolithGarbage-ass IKEA bullshit. It’s not even a monolith, it very CLEARLY has different sections that were INEXPERTLY welded together. Piss off, you fucking poser. 

4. The First California Monolith. I honestly don’t know why San Luis Obispo thought it got to be part of this. Plus some artists or something have already taken credit, which is not how this is supposed to work.

3. The Netherlands Monolith. This monolith is fine. Underreported imo, and potentially not even real, which is a big plus honestly.

2. The Utah Monolith. The original was honestly kinda cool. Apparently it had been there for years, and it was far enough out of the way that it didn’t seem like a tourist trap. Plus no one really knows what or where Utah is, so it had an air of mystery. And it was tight when it disappeared, at least until the other ones started showing up. 

1. The Isle of Wight Monolith. Shiny. On an unnecessarily pretentious-sounding British island. Photogenic setting. Quality build. Checks all the boxes. 🤩🤩🤩

who is each song on evermore by?

  1. willow. this is a taylor swift song. 
  2. champagne problems. this is an unreleased train b-side to hey, soul sister.
  3. gold rush. this is a kacey musgraves song.
  4. ‘tis the damn season. this is an american football song, but it’s about phoebe bridgers.
  5. tolerate it. this is a mitski song.
  6. no body, no crime (feat. haim). this, inexplicably, is not a haim song. this is a chicks song.
  7. happiness. this is a phoebe bridgers song, but it’s after she’s been granted access to SSRIs.
  8. dorothea. this is an avett brothers song.
  9. coney island (feat. the national). this, fittingly, is a national song.
  10. ivy. this is a haim song.
  11. cowboy like me. this is a brandi carlyle song. 
  12. long story short. this is an alligator-era national song covered by fearless-era taylor swift.
  13. marjorie. this is a maggie rogers song written by lorde.
  14. closure. this is a st. vincent song, but like, stripped down.
  15. evermore (feat. bon iver). unlike exile, this is a bon iver song.

You’re Not Allowed To Worry About What’s In The Covid Vaccine If…

You’re not allowed to worry about what’s in the Covid vaccine if:

  • You’ve done drugs 🤪🤪
  • You have ever referred vaguely to “a study”
  • Something about vaping!!!
  • You don’t have a history of severe allergic reactions to vaccines or chemicals frequently found in vaccines
  • You are the author of New York Times–referenced book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big
  • You drank a freaking Four Loko!!! 😂😂
  • You were one of the Clemson football players who Donald Drumpf force-fed lukewarm McDonalds to
  • You have played Eduardo Forty Hands
  • You either own a Jay Cutler jersey or have ever watched an episode of Very Cavallari
  • You live a life of sin
  • You were part of the lab of food technicians responsible for the Papa-dilla
  • You smoked the joint that was offered to you by the guy in the Jason Williams Kings jersey during Passion Pit’s set at Lollapalooza 2012
  • You have ever eaten anything purchased at an Arizona Diamondbacks game
  • You don’t brush your teeth and floss before Mommy tucks you into bed 😇
  • You have tried three or more flavors of MD 2020
  • You voted, or thought about voting, or for the briefest moment considered the mere notion of voting, for Tulsi Gabbard
  • You eat ass 😈
  • You’re still in line to vote! Stay in line!

Biden Appointees, Ranked By Hotness

8. Ron Klain. I’d rather DIE of EBOLA than get with RON KLAIN.

7. Janet Yellen. I’ll be honest…she doesn’t really catch my. . . . . . . . . . . . . .interest

6. Alejandro Mayorkas. Maybe he’ll let me draw the face of a deported child on his bald, bald head. 

5. Avril Haines. Not looking up her appearance, don’t care, name’s hot.

4. Jake Sullivan. You know what they say about big foreheads 😩😩

3. Linda Thomas-Greenfield. She really puts the “Mission to the United Nations” in MILF.

2. Antony Blinken. The last time I was this enamored of a Tony, he was the namesake of my favorite skateboarding video game.1. John Kerry. No explanation needed here! 🥵🥵🥵

Real or Fake: 2020 Reality Shows

Can you tell The Real Housewives of Atlanta from The Real Mousewives of Ratlanta? Put your pop culture expertise to the test by guessing which reality show is real and which is fake.

  1. A Very Brady Renovation: Actors from the TV show The Brady Bunch reunite to renovate the interior of the house that was only used for the show’s exterior shots. 
  2. Billion Dollar Boogie: Twelve wealthy socialites attempt to find love over the course of a six-week competition. The catch: They can only talk to each other while dancing.
  3. Celebrity IOU: Celebrities thank former teachers, coaches and other individuals who helped them in the past by giving them surprise home renovations.
  4. I Hate My Bath: A celebrity renovator transforms people’s houses—but only their bathrooms. 
  5. Brown but Not Out: Former California Governor Jerry Brown revisits his childhood passion, boxing, to get back into shape.
  6. Too Hot to Handle: Sexy singles are sent to an island to meet, mingle, and win money. The catch: If they kiss or have sex, the amount of money they can win is reduced.
  7. The World’s Worst Toilet: Celebrity plumber Mike Fresca visits the worst restaurant bathrooms in America and renovates them from the pipes up.
  8. LegenDairy: Ty Pennington helps independent farmers modernize their homes and rebuild their businesses.
  9. Blown Away: Master glass blowers compete over ten weeks to win exactly $60,000.
  10. Dragula: Ten queens put on their fiercest and spookiest faces to be crowned the world’s top drag supermonster.
  11. Smell Ya Later: Contestants sniff five different individuals. After being sent to a sensory deprivation chamber, they are blindfolded and must identify each person by smell only.
  12. The Casketeers: Quirky funeral directors help grieving family members through the burial of their loved ones while hijinks ensue.
  13. The American Bible Challenge: Comedian Jeff Foxworthy grills contestants over their knowledge of all things biblical.
  14. You’ve Got Male: Ten divorcees are given one month to decide if they’ll marry or dump their new mail-order husbands.
  15. Word to Your Mother: Famous hip hop artists’ moms compete in a three round rap battle, hosted by TV personality Lil’ Mama.

1. Real  2. Fake  3. Real  4. Real  5. Fake, but god do I want to see it  6. Real  7. Real  8. Fake  9. Real  10. Real  11. Fake  12. Real, and apparently quite heartwarming  13. Real  14. Fake  15. Fake, but I’m accepting offers from studios for production.