Uber Ratings for Getaway Drivers

Baby Uber Driver

Baby, Baby Driver: 4.6 out of 5. Great song selection. Drove well even though wearing sunglasses at night.

Handsome Rob, The Italian Job: 2.9 out of 5. Claimed to be an XL. Was not an XL.

Driver, Drive: 4.1 out of 5. Punctual. Little to no conversation. Scorpion jacket could use a dry cleaning. 

Tony Lipp, The Green Book3.3 out of 5. Somehow less racist than a replacement-level Uber driver, but wouldn’t stop eating fried chicken? Also, not a getaway driver. Fine, but don’t get what all the hype was about. 

Dom Toretto, The Fast and the Furious: 4.4 out of 5. Great conversation—he talked all about his family. 

Rudolph, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: 4.9 out of 5. Came through big time when I needed to boost a toy shipment off a remote island.

We asked our film critic to review CATS and we’re pretty sure he did THE LION KING instead but it was vague enough that we couldn’t be sure

GUYS. THIS MOVIE. Okay first, we have to talk about the CGI. I mean… their eyes. THEIR EYES. It’s haunting and frightening, but not really in a beautiful way? Like it’s more of a “we decided this movie needed to cost 250 million USD so that if it makes less than 1 billion USD we all get fired” kind of way.

But it’s not all bad. Just look at the star-studded cast. It’s got Emmy winners and Oscar winners and Tony winners (probably… I’m worried if I google the Tony’s I’ll get targeted ads for sequined dinner jackets for the rest of my life). Folks, it’s more A-list talent than my 8th grade birthday party when one of the popular kids came by for a minute.

And of course, the plot is one we all know and love. There’s betrayal and character growth and lengthy dancing montages—and, as required by federal law, a weirdly sexualized feline. It is EVERYTHING fans are looking for in a family film this year.

And then there’s the nostalgia factor. Maybe you first saw the tale on Broadway. Maybe you’ll prefer the 90’s version. But no matter what, we can all agree that this whole thing was very strange and probably unnecessary. Now, to take a big gulp of my covfefe and check out the latest Kanye new–

The Five Best Movie-Ending Songs of All Time

Just Like Honey – Lost in Translation
It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock ‘n’ Roll), as performed by the band from School of Rock – School of Rock
Don’t You (Forget About Me) – Breakfast Club
Ooh La La – Rushmore 
The Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party – Shrek

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*That aren’t “The Sound of Silence” from The Graduate, because it’s uncomfortable to look at Dustin Hoffman for that long. 

Will Our Kids Watch Star Wars?

Alright nerds. Let’s say that you have kids at some point in your life (congrats on the future sex). Maybe that happens around 2025. And, because you’re reading this, let’s assume it’s important to you that your children watch Star Wars, starting with the original trilogy. I’m going to peg the year when that kid’s going to watch Episode IV at roughly 2035, which will make the little padawan about the same age that you probably were when you found out that the Jedi are glorified tax collectors in The Phantom Menace

This, my question to you is: In 2035, will a ten-year-old kid even want to watch Star Wars? And will they like it? 

By that point, A New Hope, which came out in 1977, will be 58 years old. That’s as old as a guy I like to call Barack Obama. Ever heard of him? Oh yeah, he’s retired at that age. 

Do you know what movies were 58 years old when The Phantom Menace came out in 1999? Let me set the stage for you. It was 1941. The United States didn’t enter WWII until December because we were too busy debating lend-lease and taking Lindbergh seriously. Bugs Bunny and Joe DiMaggio were the peak of American culture, and vaping hadn’t been invented yet. 

Here were some of the big movies that came out in 1941, helpfully organized into four conceptual buckets: 

Movies that Are Good 

Movies that Would Have the Same Title Today but Would Be Very Different

Movies that Are Actually Movies Today

Movies that Certainly Sound Like Adult Films

Maybe you’ve heard of some of these movies. Maybe you’ve actually seen some of them. But I’d bet the net worth of Lucasfilm that most ten year olds in 1999 wouldn’t get amped for Orson Welles’ cinematic breakthrough or the genre prototype laid out in Maltese Falcon (although, to be fair, most 5th graders probably weren’t that high on midichlorian counts or racially problematic trade disputes either when Phantom hit). 

So, again, answer this question we must: Will the original Star Wars trilogy fade into history? Is it rooted to its time and place? Is it centered around ideals and concerns that will seem too distant to bridge across several generations? Or is there something more timeless and enduring about believing in the little guy and rusted landcruisers—something that will transcend time and space in a manner that will continue to captivate young people, thus forever hooking our progeny to the blue-milk-teat of Disney Plüs? 

Is A New Hope more Dumbo or more Maltese Falcon? And which is the better thing to be?