Is Kap Too Big for the NFL?

Colin Kaepernick should be on an NFL roster. 

More specifically, Colin Kaepernick should be on the Chicago Football Bears. Even MORE specifically, every NFL GM who failed to signed Kap in the past five years should be forced to personally bankroll the campaign of one-to-five senators who would vote to reauthorize voting rights for Black people.

But Kap is not in the NFL. And even as the nation comes to agree that—shocker—the man the president called a “son of a bitch” for demanding an end to extrajudicial police killings was probably in the right, it doesn’t appear anyone is set to sign him.

That’s a travesty, but not a surprise. Be it domestic violence policies, player safety, or the definition of a catch, “travesty” is a pretty good word to describe most of the NFL. 

So the question at this point is really whether Kaepernick should even want to play in the NFL. His Nike deal is worth millions per year, with his own brand of apparel reportedly in the works. His Know Your Rights Camp has emerged as one of the most prominent civil rights organizations of the recent movement. He’s set to narrate an Ava Duvernay-produced Netflix docuseries about his life.

He is, in the most cliched way, bigger than football.

Which gets back to the question of whether it would even make sense for him to spend his time playing a game when he could be affecting policy. 

Certainly, he’s got every right to do whatever he wants, and I can say from experience* that it’s exceedingly fun to play professional football when you have his kind of arm strength, speed, and agility. He’s already done more than enough for one lifetime off the field, and no one would blame him for taking a nice payday to back up Tom Brady for the next 15 to 20 years.

But suddenly the NFL feels too small for him. His return would be like Jordan going to Birmingham, or Obama being president. Yeah, he can probably do it… but why would he?

With Washington changing its name and nearly every major sports league embracing his message, Kaepernick’s return at once feels inevitable and impossible. By blackballing him, the NFL has backed itself into a corner from which the only escape is a roster spot. But by so forcefully winning in this billion-dollar-industry vs. mobile-QB-from-Nevada fight, Kaepernick would be almost degrading himself if he were to return.

Admittedly, I’m probably getting ahead of myself. Maybe the NFL will continue to snub him. No one’s ever lost money betting on oligarchs to do the wrong thing.

But if the day comes when Kap suits back up in the NFL, it’s hard to imagine it’ll be satisfying.

*Legal note: I cannot say this from experience.

20 New Nicknames for the Washington Professional Football Team

At long last, Dan Snyder has done the impossible and finally caved to pressure from corporate sponsors, fans, and the Native American community (probably in that order) and announced that the Washington professional football team will retire its racist nickname. Here are 20 recommendations for what the team’s new name should be: 

  1. The Washington Dan Snyder Profit Padders
  2. The Washington Remember Clinton Portis? He Was Fun! 
  3. The Washington Tarped Off-enders
  4. Joe Gibbs Racing
  5. The Washington Mile Away From Public Transport Walkers
  6. The Washington Redtubes
  7. The Washington 7–9ers
  8. The Really Located in Maryland but Say They’re Located in D.C. Georgetown Preppers
  9. The Washington Devil’s Triangles
  10. The Washington Obese Midwestern Tourists
  11. The Washington Metro Fires
  12. The Washington And Lee Grads
  13. The Washington Brownnosers
  14. The Washington Network
  15. The Washington Fighting Gingham Shirts
  16. The Washington Bars That Turn You Away If You’re Wearing Flip-Flops. Fuck You, El Centro On 14th Street, You’re A Shitty, Seedy Establishment And I’m Glad You Didn’t Give Me The Chance To Patronize You On That Fateful August Night A Few Years Ago. I Went To Drafting Table Instead And Watched Premier League Re-Airs While Sipping Two Nice Beers Instead Of Your Bottom-Shelf, Taint-Filtered Tequila Shots. If I Wanted To Have Some Junior Analyst From The Inter-American Development Bank Bump Into Me While Salsa Dancing With His Extremely Intoxicated 20-Year-Old Intern, I Would Go To Clarendon.
  17. The Washington Chodes
  18. The Washington Dark Money “Free Market” Think Tanks
  19. The Washington Dark Money “Free Market” Military Tanks
  20. The Washington Bethesdas 

The MLS is BACK, Babyyy

Take it from somebody who has tried getting into Premier League soccer over the past couple of weeks: top-level soccer kind of womps. Players flop like James Harden getting hit by a paintball. NBC refuses to pump in audio of Everton fans calling refs wankers. And the players are too dang handsome (or they are Wayne Rooney).  

But MLS? The North American soccer league with League One–caliber talent, (probably) less racist fans, and way cooler jerseys? Nah dude, the MLS is dope as hell. 

The best thing in sports I saw this week occurred in the second half of a game between the Bridgeview Fire and the Seattle Sounders. Behold:
Look at that shit. I certainly have—100 times at least (it was hard to learn how to make a gif). I’ve been starved for sports content for weeks, barely getting by on KBO bat flips and NBA bubble gossip. This though? This is manna from the content heaven. 

It is on from the second that ball hangs in the air and you realize that something very nasty is about to happen. Even the announcer muttered an “oh no” when he saw the collision coming. Then the small dude gets absolutely, insanely, completely and utterly TRUCKED by Fire striker Robert Berić. 
I hadn’t realized I’ve been missing this feeling since Rudy Gobert ended sports—that feeling you get where your body reacts almost before your brain, where your organs draw up a little into your stomach and you can’t help but shout “oh shit” at your screen as something very physical happens. I didn’t turn on my TV yesterday morning to see a small guy get shoulder-pancaked into filthy Floridian dirt by a Slovenian, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t the best part of the 90 minutes I spent watching mediocre soccer.

And all this comes before Lord Berić Putyouonyourassagain pulls some next-level video game shit to finish the play: 
Sick, right? So yeah, the MLS can be cool as heck. Maybe it’s fun in the way that shit-going-horribly-awry-in-AA-minor-league-baseball can be fun. But at a certain point, what’s the difference when I get to yell “motherFUCKER” at my TV because I was thrilled out of my seat by something so physically imposing yet graceful that it can only be done by a professional athlete?

I don’t know that we deserve sports coming back in America yet. The return of sports should be a reward for doing things well, which we most certainly have not. And I don’t know if we’ll even make it to the NBA, MLB, and NHL’s return date without it being a physical (if not a moral) impossibility to play sports. 

But I do know that watching live sports during the middle of the day made me happy. Listening to a veritable United Nations of on-field chatter in Spanish, German, and English made me happy. And these gifs made me especially happy. I hope they made you happy too. 

Proposed Line Items for MLB’s Negotiations to Bring Baseball Back

Baseball’s owners have finally stooped to considering whether or not they’ll return to the negotiating table to discuss with the player’s union if America will have its national pastime back this year. Here are our proposed line items to add to the bargaining process to ensure that the return of baseball is a success:

  • Automatically declare Tim Anderson and Javy Baez the AL and NL MVPs of our hearts, respectively.
  • Finally put the Seattle Mariners out of their misery.
  • 200% more steroids.
  • Give me a firm commitment that I will be able to download an app version of Backyard Baseball to my phone by no later than mid-July.
  • No concrete policy idea here, but can we make this sport a little more fucking exciting?
  • All players must choose among The Outfield’s “Your Love,” Megan Thee Stallion’s “Savage,” or Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” for their walk-up song. There are no other options. 
    • LoR would be willing to accept a proviso outlining that a player may choose either Megan Thee Stallion’s initial version of “Savage” or Megan Thee Stallion feat. Beyonce “Savage (remix).” 
  • Mandatory racial sensitivity training for all St. Louis Cardinals baseball fans before they’re allowed to tweet. Actually, better expand this to all baseball fans. 
  • Change the Hall of Fame induction rules to make Charlie Blackmon’s beard immediately eligible.
  • Two Pirates–Reds games per year replaced with a three-hour, no-holds-barred, dugout-on-dugout bench-clearing brawl. 
  • Atlanta Braves aren’t allowed to use the name “Atlanta” until they move back within the city limits. 
  • I get to hit Bud Selig.
  • Send all Cubs fans a $10.50 cup of warm Bud Light and an audio recording of Karen from Naperville loudly insisting that “all lives matter” to simulate the gameday experience at Wrigley Field.
  • Force Joe Buck to run blindfolded in front of the pitcher’s mound every half inning.
  • Any team with a baby-blue throwback uniform required to wear it until there’s a new CBA (yes that’s over half the league) (and yes that last one was a stretch). 
  • Defund Tom Ricketts. 

The NHL’s 24-Team Playoff and the Importance of Ostracizing Losers

National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman announced this week that the league had decided upon an adjusted playoff format in light of the regular season being cut short by COVID-19. Instead of the usual format—a 16-team, 4-round tournament with Best-of-7 series—this year’s playoff will expand to 24 teams, so as not to exclude teams just outside the playoff bubble when the season was interrupted. This means that of the 31 teams in the NHL, only seven teams will fail to make the playoffs. And boy, do those seven teams really, really suck.

We hope that this move by the NHL is the first step in a new direction that professional sports league should have taken long ago. Perhaps, at long last, sports will stop focusing so much on glorifying the winners and begin devoting themselves a little more to ostracizing and embarrassing the losers.

I already know what you’re thinking: sports have always been about celebrating the victors, ever since the Roman chariot races, or the ancient Greek Olympics, or that game that Turkic tribes play that’s like polo but the ball is a goat carcass or something. Many people believe that this is the inherent purpose of sports—to celebrate excellence and achievement. 

However, that isn’t quite the truth. Sports leagues are increasingly moving the emphasis away from rewarding greatness and toward forcing enormous shame upon the last-place finishers. Take, for example, my fantasy football league (yes, I am adopting a slightly liberal definition of “sports” here). There’s a modest prize for winning, of course. Maybe $100 or so. But the real goal is not to lose. If you lose, you have to dedicate yourself to a punishment that will take up huge swaths of your time and energy, and a chunk of your dignity that you will never get back. And that’s where the incentive lies. You’re not going to spend a couple hours tinkering with your line-up every week so you can maybe win $100 at the end of the year; you’re going to spend a couple hours tinkering with your line-up every week so you aren’t forced to watch every existing episode of The Good Doctor and write a summary of each episode.

Hopefully, the NHL is headed in the same direction. Let’s celebrate the team that wins the Stanley Cup, but let’s also talk loudly and at great length about how shitty your team has to be to miss a 24-team playoff in a 31-team league. Better yet, let’s have them do a seven-team loser’s bracket, so we can assert with absolute certainty that the Red Wings are the worst team in the league. Hell, why not tack on some individual awards? Everyone who cares about hockey should know the name of the person with the lowest plus/minus in the league, or the goalie with the most goals allowed per game, or the coward who has the fewest penalty minutes. (On second thought, the Lady Byng already recognizes the last one.)

Sports aren’t about winning, and they aren’t about pushing the limits of human achievement. They’re about shitting on people. We hope that with the 24-team playoff in the NHL, more people will begin to realize this fundamental truth.

Who is the real Greatest Basketball Player of All Time?

The Last Dance might be over, but debates about who is the true Greatest Player of all Time will never end. So, do you want to find out who the real GOAT is, once and for all?

Check this out: we’ve assembled two mystery players—both NBA champions on teams that were among the best basketball squads in the league’s history—for comparison’s sake. Which one do you think is the true hardwood legend? 

Who you got? It’s got to be Player B, right? 

***

***

***

That’s right, Danny Ainge (a.k.a. Player B) is the greatest player of all time, while Michael Jordan (a.k.a. Player A) is a distant second.

The Mormon Mad Dog was a way bigger threat from behind the arc, he was a lockdown defensive guard, and he has the numbers to prove it. And that’s all before we get to his much more impressive baseball career, his considerably better odds for how he will fare in the afterlife, and his success as an executive. The man just knew how to win, whether he was going up against Jordan on the court, taking Jordan’s money on the links, or appearing in any of his six Finals—the same number of Finals that all-timers by the likes of Wilt Chamberlain, Shaquille O’Neal, and Scottie Pippen have played in.

Give it up for the GOAT!

Point/Counterpoint: Should Jay Cutler be the next Bachelor?

Love is dead. You heard it here first, or maybe a few days ago when the boys’ group chat lit up with the news that Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are divorcing after six years of marriage and three years of occasionally meme-worthy TV. 

So what should come next for the newly single Cutler? Should he return to the broadcast booth? Or endorse his favorite brand of smokes? The people have a different idea: Make Jay Cutler the next Bachelor. Our panel of experts weighs in on whether that’s such a good idea:

Pro: Make the Cut with Jay Cut

  • Years of living in Chicago should have primed Cutler for the institutional racism of The Bachelor
  • He’s already used to people talking shit about him behind his back
  • Excelled at the fence jumping portion of the NFL combine
  • Cutty’s charisma, unlike his QB play, is unbeatable
  • It should be easy for ABC’s producers to cut together Cutler’s career highlights for the episode 1 intro
  • He could easily be replaced by a different lead without the show missing a beat
  • We know all of his bad political views in advance 
  • He’s not afraid to get hurt  
  • Is mediocre white guy

Con: Un-Bearable

  • America’s not ready to see his butt again 
  • There’s just no telling what toll that much champagne would take on his diabetes
  • Nobody will be surprised when he makes a pick
  • That man cannot go that long without eating 
  • If we’ve developed a coronavirus vaccine by the time filming starts for season 25, we can’t guarantee that he’ll get it
  • Who knows if he’ll make it through the season
  • Gunslinger mentality ill-adapted to the modern RPO-style offense pioneered by Colton
  • Might force the nation into some weird conversations about goats
  • He’s pretty fat now

Marvel Superheroes, If ESPN Was Introducing Them

Spider-man

  • From Queens, NY
  • Does whatever a spider can
  • Raised by single aunt in a 625 sq ft apt
  • Sticky hands
  • Parents dead!!

Captain America

  • Benches 625 raw (550 power clean)
  • 102 years old, making him the oldest Avenger in this year’s draft
  • Blue collar, red-and-blue-shield type player
  • Player comparison: a white one

Black Panther

  • From island nation of “Africa”
  • Cat-like reflexes
  • Grew up poor, we assume
  • High school coach describes him as: “natural talent, a freak athletically, incredible specimen”

Thor

  • God of thunder
  • Dead mom!!!
  • Averaged 11.6 YPC in 2019
  • Coach’s son
  • Three-time consensus all-MVC
  • New England will make him play wide receiver
  • [Brent Musberger voice] Have you seen his girlfriend?

Thanos

  • Five-tooled, six-infinity-stoned player
  • Has all the measurables
  • Working to support his adopted daughters
  • Generational talent who plays well in space
  • Can take out half the opposing team

Hulk

  • Recorded 27 sacks in 1.5 games for Harvard
  • Abusive father 😦
  • Described as “gym rat” by gamma ray lab tech
  • He MAJORED! In SCIENCE!

Iron Man

  • Locker room guy
  • High IQ 
  • Cerebral
  • Overcame debilitating and, frankly, embarrassing addiction issues

Ant-Man

  • Tremendous upside
  • Saw a man do a drug once!
  • Lived in a van 
  • Tweener
  • Sneaky athletic

The 10 Best Quotes of The Last Dance, So Far

10. “There’s no I in team, but  there’s an I in win.” – Michael Jordan, when it was suggested that he could have had the ball slightly less often. 

9. “Straight up bitches.” – Horace Grant, describing the dauphin dynasty Detroit Pistons leaving the court without shaking hands after being disemboweled by the Bulls 4–0 in the 1991 ECF. 

8. “Are those the pills you take to keep you short or are those diet pills?” – MJ, a tall king, mocking body positivity icon Jerry Krause. 

7. “They had Craig Ehlo on me, which, in all honesty, was a mistake.” – MJ, 31 years after making a shot over Craig Ehlo. 

6. “Mom and dad, he’s an alcoholic.” – MJ, as Scott Burrell pleads with him to stop bringing up his infidelity and alcohol consumption on camera. 

5. “Michael was like the Pied Piper walking down the Champs-Élysées.” – The late David Stern, slandering MJ with allegations of paedocide. 

4. “Well, I think it’s been pretty easy.” – MJ, as a rookie, when asked about playing in the world’s foremost professional basketball league.

3. “Scottie, ya know, he’s got feelings.” – MJ, talking about the complex mental machinations of the greatest number two of all time. 

2. “I’m not gonna fuck my summer up.” – Scottie Pippen, unveiling those complex mental machinations to be primarily a desire to have a sick, surgery-free hot girl summer. 

1. “That was God disguised as Michael Jordan.” – Former Indiana State University letterman Larry Bird, falsely implying there is a distinction between God and Michael Jordan. 

Welcome to the Bet On Yourself Sportsbook

The sports books are open in Illinois and in Michigan, but there are no sports. So who better to bet on now than yourself? Welcome to the Bet on Yourself Sportsbook, where the only limit to your action is your actions. 

Will You Email Your Landlord About That Thing? 
Yes: +450
No: -450

How Long Will Your Duolingo Streak Last?
Over: 8 ½ days
Under: 8 ½ days

Will She Text You Back?
Hell Yes My Guy: +120
Nah Gtfo: -120

Over/Under Number of Times You Masturbate While on Self-Quarantine
Over: 12 ½ 
Under: 12 ½ 

Will You Get a Promotion Before December 31, 2020? 
Yes: +220
No: -200
Lol whoops you don’t have a job any more: +1350

Parlay Time! 
Hit Your Goodreads Challenge for Books Read in a Year: -150
Avoid Fighting With Your Uncle on Facebook: -115
Write a tweet that gets 20 likes: +150
Finally get a six-pack: +250
Overall Payout: $100 pays out $2,626.45