The Vibe-Rater

Wherein we rate people’s vibes. Here’s this week’s vibe check:


Meghan Markle: her vibes are… SPRING BREAAAAKKK!! 🎉 Meg’s here for a good time not a long time, and she’s not about to spend her prime years with some musty old royals. DGAF YOLO, party in the hills tn!!


Megan Thee Stallion: her vibes are… STUDIOUS. 🤓 If your favorite rapper isn’t majoring in healthcare administration at Texas Southern University, then I hate to tell you but that’s not your favorite rapper. That’s just a townie you ran into outside an Amoco L.


Carlos Beltran: his vibes are… GUILTY. ⚖️ I’m not entirely sure what he did, although I understand it involved buzzing a garbage can to take photos of fingers. And I’m not entirely sure what the punishment should be, though I understand Texas is extremely pro-death penalty. But I do know that the Senate must commit to a fair trial and then find him extremely guilty.


Carlos Ghosn: his vibes are… INNOCENT. 😇 One of the coolest things about law is that if you escape to Lebanon (?) in an audio equipment box (??) aboard a private jet (!!!) from an airport that doesn’t send big boxes through security cause they’re too big (?!?!), you’re legally cleared of all charges. Kudus to Carlos for taking advantage!

The Vibe-Rater

Peloton Husband

In which we provide a vibe-rating of people’s vibes:

  • Kamala Harris: her vibes are… BAE AF 🥰. We as a nation absolutely LOVE a woman who gives up her ambition.
  • Peloton husband: his vibes are… CHILLLL . Dude seems like a really good hang, nothing psycho happening here!
  • Laura Dern: her vibes are… MY WIIIIIIFE . This one isn’t a joke, she is my betrothed. The ceremony was at halftime of a Chicago Bulls game and Baby Yoda officiated. It was beautiful, thank you.
  • Prince Andrew: his vibes are… BRUHHHH 🤦‍♂️. Literally all you had to do—for the entirety of your life—was, like, not this.
  • Tua Tagovailoa: his vibes are… RELATABLE KING . Who among us has never carried a group project, just to watch it all fall apart the moment you step away.
  • Spotify: her vibes are… CLINGY ❌. Lol you’ve been tracking my music for a literal decade? Soooo obsessed with me haha you creep lol, but no like what are you doing later?

The Vibe-Rater

In which we provide a vibe-rating of people’s vibes:

  • Pete Buttigieg: his vibes are… OFF 😒. Look, I would abandon all my principles if bankers gave me $25 million too. But they didn’t, so I get to judge the shit out of him.
  • Jennifer Aniston: her vibes are… GOALS 🥰. She’s got a new show on something called an Äpplé TⓋ (???). She’s playing a Big J Journalist, in these times. And folks, she’s still hot!!!
  • Lauv: his vibes are… A WHOLE MOOD 😩. He’s sad? In a city? With substances at play? Uhhh hey buddy, don’t remember signing over my life rights!
  • Kawhi Leonard: his vibes are… ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING 😱. Like I do not feel safe being alive at the same time as him.
  • The Proletariat: their vibes are… FACTS FOR SURE ✊. Please do not guillotine me (during The Uprising).
  • George Kent: his vibes are… DADDY AF 🤤. That bowtie’s got me all sorts of fucked up.
  • Nick Saban: his vibes are… WASHED 🤡. The game has clearly passed this guy by—it’s hard to imagine the Tide won’t send him packing by season’s end.