We’ll Get Through This

Best read while blasting Bruce Springsteen’s “Lonesome Day,” or whatever uplifting piece of Americana you prefer. 

These are dark times. Unprecedented times. And things are going to get worse before they get better. 

But we’ll get through this. We’ll make our way through like we’ve done before and will do again. We’ll see each other on the other side—we’ll hug one another, gather together, and celebrate all of what’s been taken from us. 

We’ll come through hopefully smarter, hopefully better prepared for the next challenge. 

We’ll come through with a better appreciation for what’s been lost. The friends whose company we savored. The places where we congregated to celebrate life, love, and passion. The stadiums, churches, restaurants, and bars. We’ll kiss our loved ones and take in their presence with a renewed eye toward what they mean to us. 

We’ll be scarred, and we’ll be scared, but we’ll start to heal. Some wounds won’t though. Some people will be lost, and for that we can never forget or forgive the cowardice, idiocy, and hubris of the officials who failed us. And we’ll need to support those who have been so hurt—financially, physically, emotionally—from this period that it will be difficult for them to become whole when it’s over. 

I hope that we come out of this with a reaffirmed sense of the resilience and compassion that we like to tell ourselves we share as Americans. And I hope we’ve learned just how interconnected we are the whole world over—how we rise, and we fall, together. 

So take care of yourself, and take care of one another. We need each other to get through this. And then we need to make sure this never happens again. 

The Search for the Worst Coronavirus Take

Historians by and large agree that when Thomas Paine said “these are the times that try men’s souls,” he was talking about the bad tweets that bad people are tweeting about the coronavirus. This is known, but the real question is… what’s the worst coronavirus take out there?

Below are a few contenders, from some of the worst minds online.
*spends the next seventy years developing a time machine*

*travels back in time to D-Day*

*runs gasping to the shores of Normandy, shouting “one day basketball will be superseded by a global pandemic”*

*Dwight Eisenhower himself shoots me for being an annoying little bitch*

*I die happy*
Ah yes. If we vote for leftists we might end up with a future as awful as the present. This is galaxy brain stuff and I, for one, stan it.
This is the dude who wore a gas mask on the floor of the House as a joke. Now he’s going on state news to make the world’s worst ok boomer joke. There’s nothing all that offensive in this joke, but he’s terrible and his eyes are creepy and I’m pretty sure he was supposed to be in quarantine?
Calling the novel coronavirus “China Virus” is so vile, bigoted, xenophobic, and disgraceful that only someone whose face is 20–30x too small for his head (or someone who was selected by the electoral college to run the world) could say it. Putting that aside for a moment — we’ll come back to it — the great news he’s accusing the media of hiding is… THREE PEOPLE have recovered, out of thousands of confirmed cases? That’s the definition of dystopian nightmare fuel. Speaking of nightmares, Charlie Kirk is a racist piece of shit :).
Folks, what the fuck are we even doing here? This is some absolutely wild mashup of liberal nostalgia porn and a misplaced desire for THE GUY WHO DID KATRINA TO COME HANDLE THIS CRISIS. 
But we know there are worse takes out there. Please send them our way, we need something to sustain in these trying times. 

A Step-by-Step Guide to Incorporating COVID-19 Into Your Brand’s Marketing

So you’re a super thoughtful brand deeply invested in your customers’ lives. You know you matter deeply to them. They love you, and you love them right back. Because you’re so important to them, you’ve decided it would be great if you incorporate some relevant messaging about coronavirus into your marketing. Maybe it’s a fun work from home discount. Or maybe it’s a joke about not having masks, but still having the best direct-to-consumer smoothies for dogs around. That’s great! However, navigating this situation can be really tricky. 

To help all of our brand marketing friends out there, here’s a step-by-step guide on how to seamlessly blend COVID-19 references into your marketing:

1. Get out a notebook
2. Grab a pencil
3. Write your ten favorite COVID-19 ideas for your brand
4. Tear the paper out of your notebook
5. Put it in a food processor with kale
6. Make a smoothie 
7. Drink your shitty ideas
8. Answer this question: Should my brand find a fun way to talk about Coronavirus
    a. If your answer is yes, continue forward. 
    b. If your answer is no, move on with your life

So you’re still with us, huh? You must have a really great idea. Here are just a few more steps to get that baby off the ground. 

9. Pick back up your pencil
10. Shove that pencil directly up your ass
11. Spend the next several hours getting said pencil out of your ass
12. Clean the pencil
13. Answer this question: Should my brand find a fun way to talk about coronavirus?
    a. If your answer is yes, continue forward—you craven asshole
    b. If your answer is no, move on with your life. We hope you’ve learned something.

Alright. You’re really fucking going to do this. Well, at this point, we may as well help. Here are just a couple more steps for you to complete to birth your beautiful marketing baby.

14. Pick up your pencil. We promise it doesn’t have to go into your ass this time.
15. Answer this question: Have you watched The Dark Knight?
    a. If your answer is yes, move onto the next step.
    b. If your answer is no, watch The Dark Knight.
16. One last time, answer this question: Should my brand find a fun way to talk about coronavirus?
    a. If your answer is no, you can leave now.
    b. If your answer is yes…are you sure?
        i. If your answer is no, we’ll let you go.
        ii. If your answer is yes, spend the rest of the day trying to recreate the pencil trick with your own head until your answer is no.

I filed a trademark for a “Come On Eileen” parody about COVID-19, but I only did it to stop anyone else from doing it

By now, you’ve probably seen the news, and I want to start by saying that I fully admit it: I filed a trademark on the concept of a parody song in which the lyrics to “Come On Eileen” are replaced with “COVID-19.”
 
I’m aware of the speculation that has begun about my motives for this move. There are those who say I’m preparing some sort of viral video with pop stars and the like dancing (or perhaps “twerking”) to this topical wordplay. Others insist I’ll be hawking trendy “Come on Eileen? More like COVID-19!” crop tops outside of the nation’s top discotheques.
 
Family and friends, I want to assure you that nothing could be further from the truth.
 
The reality is that someone is going to weaponize the ease with which the novel coronavirus strain fits into this beloved ‘80s hit, whether we like it or not. By proactively filing this trademark, I hope to have the full weight of the American legal system at my disposal to stop them. In times of crisis, heroes emerge. And I intend to be that hero.
 
I’ll take down YouTube compilations, cut off the production of “humorous” neon fanny packs, and even unleash my attorneys upon unsuspecting meme accounts. All in the service of keeping your father from ever discovering the most formidable pun of this year’s coronavirus season.
 
So slander me all you want. Call me names like “putrid boy” and “rotten lad.” I do not care. I will do what I must to protect my country, and for that I will never apologize.

How To Spend Spring Break Now That You Can’t Travel

If you’re like many people, you’ve made the difficult decision this week to cancel your spring break trip to some warm, exotic destination. This is disappointing, to be sure, but also leaves you with an unexpected free week. How are you going to spend it? Here are a few suggestions from your friends at Left On Read:

  1. Masturbate vigorously
  2. Continue masturbating
  3. Unfortunately, there’s nothing else to do besides unyielding self-gratification
  4. Just keep masturbating, kid

So apparently there’s some scary new virus and no one will tell me if it’ll make me skinny

If you’ve been able to pry your eyes away from the Senate’s unconstitutional witchhunt, you’ve probably heard that there’s some new coronavirus going around and we’re all supposed to be terrified about it.

But while the corporate media is busy whipping us all up into a frenzy, there are so many questions I still can’t find answers to. Like, what are the symptoms of this supposed virus? Do they include sudden and dramatic weight loss? How long would something like that even take? Would it happen in time for a wedding later this month?

I think it goes without saying, the lamestream media is more interested in clicks and ratings than in giving us the real information. And I’m not alleging any sort of cover-up, but the CDC so far won’t comment on even my most basic requests for information. Simple questions like “if the symptoms do include massive weight loss, how would one go about contracting this virus?” are going unanswered each day.

It’s time for the people to know the truth. We’re sick of the lies, distractions, and false narratives. Someone needs to tell me if this virus will make me skinny, and they need to tell me now.