The Worst Wedding Toasts of 2021

Now that a glut of wedding celebrations have been pushed back to next year, we’re facing an unprecedented wedding season in 2021. Here’s the worst wedding speech lines we can expect in the year to come:

“At first, I thought we should take a global pandemic as a sign that the universe didn’t want these two to get married. In fact, I was grateful that Kelly would be forced to spend twenty months together with Ted before making the worst decision of her life. But I’m glad they soldiered through.” 

“May you two deal with adversity far better than the former presidential administration.” 

“And if you ever lay a finger on my daughter, I’ll come to your house and cough in your throat young man.” 

“If these two can survive quarantining together in a New York City walkup for 9 months, then what can’t they accomplish?” 

“Jen is so much prettier than your previous wife, who tragically passed away from massive respiratory failure last April. Wow, pretty fast on the uptake there, Mark.”

“At first, as Heather’s roommate, I was a little worried when she started bringing Jeff around. I mean, had this guy even been tested? Was he hanging out with other people? But then Jeff tested negative for COVID-19 (still waiting for that syphilis test to come back though, haha), and he turned out to be the most loving, thoughtful man not named Anthony Fauci. But Heather, don’t think that just because you’re married now that our nights of socially distanced rosé are over!”

“Margaret is so much prettier than your previous wife, Janis, who divorced you after quarantining 9 months together in a New York City walkup. Wow, pretty fast on the uptake, there, Steve.”

“I’m glad that you two can put an end to all that social distancing tonight, if you know what I mean. No but seriously this couple can get freakier than the toilet paper line at Costco during the first day of a stay-at-home order.”

“Folks, did you see that ring that Brett bought? I know that saving three months worth of salary is a little outdated, but man those $600 relief checks sure go a long way.”

“My sister Rachel is an absolute saint. While some of us continued partying in New Orleans weeks after the virus hit, there was good old Rach, calmly explaining to me that I needed to wear a mask if I wanted Aunt Carol to make it to the wedding tonight. Everybody, give it up for Aunt Carol, who survived 18 months in isolation in her Seattle nursing home to be here!”

“Dave, you are the Joe Exotic to my Travis Maldonado.”

“We’re so delighted those of you with antibodies were able to make it to our celebration. Thank you for getting tested in advance of our big day. We never thought we’d enjoy having a wedding with four guests so much!”

“I knew John had found the love of his life when he named his sourdough starter after Katie. Let’s raise a glass that their love continues to rise forever.”

“By the time Michael agreed to meet in person and take his mask off after all of our Sip n’ Zoom Thursdays, I didn’t even CARE what he looked like anymore. I was just ready to be touched again.”

“Sam, you are the missing jigsaw piece in my life, unlike the final piece to our Monet water lilies puzzle we started in March and couldn’t finish because the dog you fostered ate it.”

“Just look at the way these two stare at each other: like Nicolas Maduro stares at hydroxychloroquine tablets.”

“I hope these two have an amazing time in their honeymoon to the only nations that are letting Americans in right now: Albania, Belarus, and Belize!”

“Joshua, love is like the WHO: it’s a powerful bond that can only be broken when one party unilaterally prioritizes its own autonomy over the common good.”

“Aren’t we grateful that the airline industry survived this so we could all be here in Hawaii together to celebrate Chad and Melissa’s big day?”

“Kiki, don’t forget to wash all of those gifts in boiling water, let them rest in your garage for 24 hours, and sanitize them with Clorox wipes and bleach. You can never be too careful these days!”

“When Lisa asked me to write this speech, I googled the definition of ‘pandemic.’ It means ‘an outbreak of a pandemic disease.’ And that’s what Lisa and Jeff’s love is like.”

“In case you were wondering—yes it’s DEFINITELY a quarantine pregnancy.”

Twelve Things Less Cute Five Months Into Quarantine

Do you remember mid-March? Oh, those were the days. Stockpiling two weeks of toilet paper like we’d only be trapped inside for AT MOST three weeks, and posting photos of our medicare bread. What a time. Now, five months into what is either definitely the home stretch or the beginning of our lives hermetically sealed in our apartments for the rest of forever, this whole experience has become a little less novel. Here are twelve things that are way less cute five months into the endless quarantine. 

  1. Sourdough Starter: The sourdough starter may have died, but something in there is alive, purple, and growing. I don’t think it would be happy if I tried to bake it. 
  2. Avoiding People on the Sidewalk: I would trade my big toe to casually bump into a stranger without fear.
  3. Zoom Backgrounds: No amount of pretending to be on the Death Star during video conferences will suppress the desire to force-choke anyone who requires cameras to be on for every meeting.
  4. Drinking Alone: FaceTime happy hour turns into private sad five-hour and it is ~not chill~ anymore.
  5. Baking as Therapy: Eating your feelings is not sustainable for this much time with this many feelings to eat. I have gout. 
  6. Donald Trump being President: lol remember when Republicans were like, “OMG shut up it’s not like he’s going to kill everyone. Remember when Obama wore a tan suit?” Well I hate to say we told you so but 163,000 people are dead and this is not a joke and it never was a joke jesus christ. Get this man into a retirement home where he can spend time with his favorite person, woman, man, camera, and TV.
  7. Retail Therapy: The only thing less fun than getting fat and sad is getting fat, sad, and poor. 
  8. Not Being in Crowds: I will pay you to graze my ass like we’re in a cramped space just so I can feel something, anything.
  9. Cutting Your Own Hair: U-G-L-Y you ain’t got no alibi YOUR HAIR IS FUCKED UP.
  10. Working on the Couch: BRB Googling, “Can you develop scoliosis by sitting hunched forever?” 
  11. Living in a State of Perpetual Panic: Hahah is this literally ever going to end? No, seriously. Someone tell me. This was cute when it was all like, “We’re all in this together, let’s all applaud for the working poor being forced to risk their health or starve.” (Editor’s note: This was not cute.) Now though, I’m about one more stalled relief bill from flying to DC and spitting directly into Mitch McConnell’s mouth to finally get results on whether I have COVID on a reasonable timeline. Remember when you would debate with your friends on who would last longest in a zombie apocalypse? Well it’s not me, and it would be pretty nifty if we don’t have to put those theories to the test. 
  12. Not Going into the Office: JK this one still rules. You fuckers will never see me in-person again if I have anything to say about it. Deuces. 

9 Things You Have to Try Before Quarantine Ends

I can’t believe it’s been 12 weeks…wait. I can’t believe it’s been 6 wee… No way. That one’s definitely not right. I can’t believe it’s already Apr—fuck!

I can’t believe it’s been an amount of days or years since quarantine started. Crazy, right? For all of my ups and downs, I do feel truly #blessed at the special things I have been able to experience for the first time during this unprecedented time (@ brands—you feel me). To inspire you, I’ve pulled together some of my favorite moments into this list of the nine things you absolutely have to experience before quarantine ends. 

  1. Crying on a Tuesday afternoon
  2. Crying on a Wednesday morning
  3. Crying on what you thought was a Thursday night but was actually a gloomy Sunday afternoon and then crying because time has no meaning
  4. Eating a pineapple in the park on a sunny day while soaked in tears
  5. Picking up a new hobby, like uncontrollable sobbing
  6. Getting irrationally angry at your dog for saying something rude to you in Spanish then realizing your dog can’t talk and crying from your loneliness
  7. Cleaning the countertops with your tears
  8. Virtual backgammon—it’s pretty fun!
  9. Crying for four hours straight

Five Outlets for Your Quarantine Loneliness

So you’re rolling into week nine of quarantine, and let’s just say things are getting a little desperate. Your roommate abandoned you for their family home in Connecticut (with a fucking pool) WEEKS ago, and the closest thing you’ve experienced to human contact is when you accidentally got within a foot of your neighbor during the social distancing hallway dance then both of you sprinted away. Tinder has gotten intensely introspective and the dark corners of the internet have lost their shine. That boule though…It’s looking pretty…tasty. And it’s not the only one.

Here are five sourdough breads that look good enough to fuck.

5. Scored for your pleasure

4. It even comes with lube

3. I mean, wouldn’t you?

2. Look at those curves

  1. Sploosh

How is it already week two of quarantine?!

Um, is it just me or is time flying in quarantine? Seriously, it’s already week two and guys, I’m worried I’m gonna start losing my mind. But as I get ready for day nine of staying at home (and day seven of wearing the same sweatpants, who feels me??) I’ve come up with a few unique tips to help pass the time:

  • Read a book
  • Do a puzzle
  • Learn to bake
  • Go for a walk
  • Yoga
  • Move to your parents $4 million, seven-bed in New Hampshire (no boating though!)
  • Journal
  • Learn a language

Hope this helps!!

Five Great Ways to Stay Connected With Your Friends During Quarantine

Start a Tontine! Feeling inspired by our word search? A tontine isn’t just a great investment vehicle, it’s also a surefire way to make sure you stay connected and deeply attuned to who among your friends is still alive and drawing from the fund. 

Find Something to Wager On! Just because there aren’t any sports on doesn’t mean you still can’t gamble. Have your friends set up a regular zoom chat so you can try something new, like Virtual Russian Roulette! 

Start a Virtual Fight Club! Go on, put those home workouts to use. See which one of your friends can land the best round-house kick on the inflatable doll your friends inexplicably bought for you from Amazon. 

Develop a Hobby! Now’s an excellent time to treat yourself to some “me” time. Maybe that means finally getting into wine by polishing off a bottle or two per night! 

Invest! The best way to survive and prosper during a bear market? Be aggressive! There’s never been a better time to treat yourself to that barrel of oil you’ve had your eyes on. 

The Worst Things We’re Going to Do When Quarantine Ends

  • Keep talking to people about my sourdough starter
  • Go back to letting the faucet run without actually washing my hands, just so people outside the bathroom don’t judge me 
  • Touch
  • Produce Season 2 of Netflix’s Tiger King
  • Hold the subway poles with my mouth
  • Watch NFL football
  • Feel
  • Proclaim to be pro-science on things like climate change, but quietly hold an internal skepticism of vaccines
  • Get seriously injured and waltz into the hospital
  • Hold
  • Greet all strangers with an open mouth kiss
  • Scream, “I missed you, man!” at every passing stranger
  • Continue going on walks wearing a bandana around your mouth like an 8-year-old dressed up as a cowboy 
  • Stop tipping delivery drivers for a few months, to balance things back out

What Is This Hyper-Capitalist Shaming Bullshit?

If you do #business like we do #business, you have probably seen some Ayn Rand garbage like this making the rounds: 

“If you don’t come out of this quarantine with:

  • A new skill
  • More knowledge
  • Your side hustle started

You never lacked time, you lacked discipline.”

While we here at Left on Read love shaming people for almost anything (we’re looking at you, people who cover their mouths when they laugh. Why are you covering your mouth? Do you hate joy, weirdo?), this has the empathy and spirit of Ronald Reagan throwing bags of pennies at homeless people—a true thing that did happen. 

Here’s a fun bit of information: We are in a motherfucking pandemic. You know, a worldwide event during which thousands of people are dying and every single person is being forced to stay inside. In other words, it bad. This bad. During times that are, you know, this catastrophically shitty, we can just maybe have the slightest bit of empathy for people not feeling like learning how to do a VLOOKUP. I’m looking at you, “Thought Leaders.”

As we enter week five of quarantine purgatory, our bar for what constitutes success needs to be brought way the fuck down. So, if you don’t come out of this quarantine with…

Congratulations! You are an amazing human genius and we are very proud of you. You did it, and we are proud of you.

Excuses for why you haven’t done that thing, now that you can’t say you don’t have enough time

  • All of your good novel ideas involve an intrepid lawyer who, while working from home, constantly searches for “coronavirus symptoms,” “coronavirus testing,” and “please dear god where are the tests”
  • Shakespeare wouldn’t have written King Lear while under quarantine if he had access to Netflix and medical-grade kush 
  • Forgot how long Civilization LAN games take
  • Just been putting a lot of time into this email newsletter thing, you know? 
  • Nowhere near as productive without being in a crowded coffee shop surrounded by awkward hinge dates and undergrads furiously typing on their powerpoint (??) presentation for Socioeconomics 210
  • You recently discovered that Road to Perdition fits into the lyrics to “Ignition – Remix” and you’re not sure what to do with this information
  • Unexpected breaking down into tears suddenly up 200%
  • If I clean my apartment, that’s just going to generate more trash, and isn’t increasing the workload for the garbageman a moral issue at this point?
  • My therapist* said I should really be more patient with myself, and that I shouldn’t expect to accomplish everything at once**. (*own blog, **ever)
  • Oh, I’m sorry, are you unfamiliar with The Dread?
  • You also recently discovered that “Pete Davidson” fits into “White Iverson” by Post Malone, and again, it’s just been a lot to take in
  • You have been at your computer for six days now, not sleeping, ordering new casserole dishes on
  • There are CHILDREN in CAGES!!!!
  • Good Screen and Bad Screen are the Same Screen now 😦

My Culture Is Not Your Playground: It’s time to stop co-opting introvert culture

As someone who is a hard “I” on the Myers–Briggs, this quarantine season has been very difficult for me. It seems like I can’t go a day without logging on to Instagram and seeing photos of my friends who have traded in their Coachella tickets and networking happy hours for a night in, cuddled up in a cozy blanket to re-read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Hashtags like #introvertlife and #quarantintrovert abound. If I have to hear one more time about how “it’s so nice to finally stay home and have some me time,” I might just pen a thousand-word missive on tumblr. 

I’m sure many of you think it’s funny to joke about how nice it is to finally have an excuse not to hang out with your friends. But maybe next time you should stop and think about how hurtful that can sound to people who have been turning off their camera on video conferences for years. 

We get it. It’s now ~so~ empowering that we can all admit that we find small talk on Zoom to be incredibly cumbersome. Us introverts should take it as a compliment that so many people now claim to “actually wait until the delivery person drops the food off before I come to the door.” But how about you put yourself in our slipper-shod shoes? Next time you brag about how you learned a lot about yourself by quietly self-reflecting during your now-solo coffee break, think about how painful that must be to your introvert friend who—before this quarantine—only found himself represented in cardigan models and Buzzfeed listicles. 

So, while we invite you to celebrate our culture, there are a lot of other ways to appreciate us introverts than to make light of your sudden aversion to hugging friends or seeing your neighbors in the elevator. And we challenge you to think about what it means when this is over and some of you extroverts can put that jigsaw puzzle back on the shelf.

This quarantine can be a fun time if we all take proper social distancing measures and be careful with our personality-shaming. Tell your friends. And can you tell ours too?