Author: leftonreadletter

The Worst Things We’re Going to Do When Quarantine Ends

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  • Keep talking to people about my sourdough starter
  • Go back to letting the faucet run without actually washing my hands, just so people outside the bathroom don’t judge me 
  • Touch
  • Produce Season 2 of Netflix’s Tiger King
  • Hold the subway poles with my mouth
  • Watch NFL football
  • Feel
  • Proclaim to be pro-science on things like climate change, but quietly hold an internal skepticism of vaccines
  • Get seriously injured and waltz into the hospital
  • Hold
  • Greet all strangers with an open mouth kiss
  • Scream, “I missed you, man!” at every passing stranger
  • Continue going on walks wearing a bandana around your mouth like an 8-year-old dressed up as a cowboy 
  • Stop tipping delivery drivers for a few months, to balance things back out

What Is This Hyper-Capitalist Shaming Bullshit?

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If you do #business like we do #business, you have probably seen some Ayn Rand garbage like this making the rounds: 

“If you don’t come out of this quarantine with:

  • A new skill
  • More knowledge
  • Your side hustle started

You never lacked time, you lacked discipline.”

While we here at Left on Read love shaming people for almost anything (we’re looking at you, people who cover their mouths when they laugh. Why are you covering your mouth? Do you hate joy, weirdo?), this has the empathy and spirit of Ronald Reagan throwing bags of pennies at homeless people—a true thing that did happen. 

Here’s a fun bit of information: We are in a motherfucking pandemic. You know, a worldwide event during which thousands of people are dying and every single person is being forced to stay inside. In other words, it bad. This bad. During times that are, you know, this catastrophically shitty, we can just maybe have the slightest bit of empathy for people not feeling like learning how to do a VLOOKUP. I’m looking at you, “Thought Leaders.”

As we enter week five of quarantine purgatory, our bar for what constitutes success needs to be brought way the fuck down. So, if you don’t come out of this quarantine with…

Congratulations! You are an amazing human genius and we are very proud of you. You did it, and we are proud of you.

Excuses for why you haven’t done that thing, now that you can’t say you don’t have enough time

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  • All of your good novel ideas involve an intrepid lawyer who, while working from home, constantly searches for “coronavirus symptoms,” “coronavirus testing,” and “please dear god where are the tests”
  • Shakespeare wouldn’t have written King Lear while under quarantine if he had access to Netflix and medical-grade kush 
  • Forgot how long Civilization LAN games take
  • Just been putting a lot of time into this email newsletter thing, you know? 
  • Nowhere near as productive without being in a crowded coffee shop surrounded by awkward hinge dates and undergrads furiously typing on their powerpoint (??) presentation for Socioeconomics 210
  • You recently discovered that Road to Perdition fits into the lyrics to “Ignition – Remix” and you’re not sure what to do with this information
  • Unexpected breaking down into tears suddenly up 200%
  • If I clean my apartment, that’s just going to generate more trash, and isn’t increasing the workload for the garbageman a moral issue at this point?
  • My therapist* said I should really be more patient with myself, and that I shouldn’t expect to accomplish everything at once**. (*own blog, **ever)
  • Oh, I’m sorry, are you unfamiliar with The Dread?
  • You also recently discovered that “Pete Davidson” fits into “White Iverson” by Post Malone, and again, it’s just been a lot to take in
  • You have been at your computer for six days now, not sleeping, ordering new casserole dishes on Target.com
  • There are CHILDREN in CAGES!!!!
  • Good Screen and Bad Screen are the Same Screen now 😦

My Culture Is Not Your Playground: It’s time to stop co-opting introvert culture

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As someone who is a hard “I” on the Myers–Briggs, this quarantine season has been very difficult for me. It seems like I can’t go a day without logging on to Instagram and seeing photos of my friends who have traded in their Coachella tickets and networking happy hours for a night in, cuddled up in a cozy blanket to re-read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Hashtags like #introvertlife and #quarantintrovert abound. If I have to hear one more time about how “it’s so nice to finally stay home and have some me time,” I might just pen a thousand-word missive on tumblr. 

I’m sure many of you think it’s funny to joke about how nice it is to finally have an excuse not to hang out with your friends. But maybe next time you should stop and think about how hurtful that can sound to people who have been turning off their camera on video conferences for years. 

We get it. It’s now ~so~ empowering that we can all admit that we find small talk on Zoom to be incredibly cumbersome. Us introverts should take it as a compliment that so many people now claim to “actually wait until the delivery person drops the food off before I come to the door.” But how about you put yourself in our slipper-shod shoes? Next time you brag about how you learned a lot about yourself by quietly self-reflecting during your now-solo coffee break, think about how painful that must be to your introvert friend who—before this quarantine—only found himself represented in cardigan models and Buzzfeed listicles. 

So, while we invite you to celebrate our culture, there are a lot of other ways to appreciate us introverts than to make light of your sudden aversion to hugging friends or seeing your neighbors in the elevator. And we challenge you to think about what it means when this is over and some of you extroverts can put that jigsaw puzzle back on the shelf.

This quarantine can be a fun time if we all take proper social distancing measures and be careful with our personality-shaming. Tell your friends. And can you tell ours too? 

What have we learned during self-quarantine so far?

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20. You can have 50 titles in your Amazon watchlist and still have no idea what to watch.

19. Maybe not having enough time wasn’t the reason you never wrote that book.

18. This was a bad time to read The Road.

17. Time, in hindsight, was a bad idea.

16. I liked the sexual tension that came with full-contact deliveries.

15. There are no truly fool-proof YouTube tutorials on cutting your own hair.

14. More things go with cauliflower than you’d think, but not as many as you’ve tried.

13. There is literally nothing stopping me from watching Christmas movies whenever the fuck I want.

12. People really like playing Codenames? Like, they’ll seek it out? And play it over wifi? 

11. No amount of plants can compensate for the small joy of subtly rubbing against strangers on public transit.

10. Maybe you underrated Silver Linings Playbook the first time around.

9. John Oliver is, in fact, my daddy.

8. “Sweet Caroline” is the wrong song to sing in public during a pandemic (“REACHING OUT. TOUCHING ME. TOUCHING YOUUUUUUU”).

7. All it takes to create a national cultural conversation is a little quarantine, a weird sex cult, a hit man, and some tigers.

6. Maybe leave the bread making to the professionals.

5. It’s ten times harder to avoid hanging out with your friend group when everybody knows you have nothing better going on.

4. Allowing unfettered capitalism to create a permanent under-class controlled by the whims of billionaires weirdly isn’t good for public safety and well-being (CC: Uncle Bezos).

3. You shouldn’t eat where you shit, but you can conference call while you shit.

2. If two people make the same amount of money but one has a backyard and the other does not, then they are not equals.

1. It’s easy to become a functional alcoholic if you lower the bar for “functional.”

Hey buddy, how are you?

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Hey man, how’s it going? You hanging in there? Things are pretty nuts right now, huh? Unprecedented times, that’s for sure!

Just wanted to check in and see how you were. I know we’re all pretty isolated right now and it’s tough to stay connected, so I thought I’d drop you a line. Let me know if you ever want to video chat, I’ve got a pretty sweet Zoom hook up!

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you during these trying times! While I’ve got you, I did also want to check in on that $14,000 you owe me. I was just looking at my Gcal (who can even remember what day it is, lol!!) and noticed it had been six months since you were supposed to pay me back.

It’s no big deal, I know how crazy things are right now! I wasn’t even sure banks were open anymore, what with the unprecedented times and everything. But I had a sec so I looked it up and it turns out they were deemed “essential businesses” within the State of New York so we should be all good on that front.

Maybe we can chat about you getting me that money when we have a Zoom hang! I was thinking a little virtual happy hour? If you’re up for it, we could both make our favorite cocktails (Old Fashioned for me, haha!) and just kick it. It would honestly just be great to see another person’s face!

Speaking of which, I noticed that after I sent Big Joey to try to collect in February you kind of bashed his nose in with your driver (you’ve still got that old Callaway, huh?). Good thing he’s quarantining at home now, so no one can see how jacked up his face his!! Gotta focus on those silver linings these days, that’s for sure! Anyway, just wanted to make sure you weren’t planning to do that again if I send Timmy “The Clown” O’Callaghan your way—I don’t want anyone within 6 feet of my guys!! 

But seriously, quarantining with my ball and chain has me missing the good old days, when you and I used to knock back a few (dozen, lol!!) brews at the bar and set terms of a payment for a loan between pals. Remember those days, when people could go to a bar? Hah! But really what is this world coming to?

Anyway, just wanted to say hi and that your whole family is in my thoughts! Especially your parents—are they still out on Long Island? At that place in Islip? 2634 Union Boulevard? Just down the block from the high school? 

Well tell ‘em I say hello, and that they better be staying inside! If I hear they’re going out, I’ll tell Father Johnny over at St. Pat’s on ‘em! Hah!

Good catching up, drop me a line some time. Account number and routing information to follow.

All my best!

What Are Consultants Doing During the COVID-19 Pandemic?

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If the Jason Reitman classic Up in the Air and vague conversations with friends’ boyfriends have taught us anything, it’s this: consultants spend the vast majority of their time getting rich for doing nothing—and they spend the rest of their time unnecessarily firing people. With COVID-19 destroying the national economy, the meat of their jobs is now very sadly being done for them. This has left us to wonder: What are our useless consultants doing during this crucial time in American history? Here are 12 guesses.

  1. Seriously thinking about joining a non-profit before doing cocaine off a marble countertop and smacking their own ass
  2. Asking daddy Goldman if they should buy masks for their money
  3. Kicking themselves for not stockpiling hand sanitizer to sell for a sweet, sweet profit
  4. Compounding interest
  5. Worrying this will finally be the moment everybody realizes we should pay teachers more and not give $130K to a fresh econ grad just because he’s really good at two Excel reports
  6. Circling back
  7. Taking advantage of Brooks Brothers’s limited-time 30% off sale.
  8. Spontaneously Facetiming acquaintances about an amazing opportunity to get on the ground floor of their new start up
  9. Bathing in Purell 
  10. Whispering “ew” into their N95 masks every time they walk past a poor on the street
  11. Touching base
  12. Praying to God to let their grandparents die for the sake of the stock market

Minutes from the All-Apartment Meeting of My Quarantine Mt. Rushmore

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Stephen (hereinafter, the “Recording Secretary”): Thank you for gathering here today in the living room of my 600-square-foot apartment, Bruce Springsteen, Barack Obama, Michael Jordan, and Abraham Lincoln. It’s a pleasure having you all here for our first all-apartment meeting. Now I’m sure you have a lot of quest — 

Michael Jordan: Yeah, first of all, what are we all doing here? 

Recording Secretary: That’s a good question. Things certainly are pretty crazy these days. As best I can tell, somebody asked me, “Who is on your Mt. Rushmore of people you’d want to be quarantined with,” and I listed off you four, and then this sort of happened. 

Abraham Lincoln: What’s Mt. Rushmore?

Recording Secretary: Well, so, there’s this range of hills in what was formerly the Dakota Territories that is considered sacred land by the Sioux Tribe and —

Barack Obama: Let me get this straight. You got to choose the four people to be cooped up with during a pandemic, but you didn’t choose your girlfriend? 

Recording Secretary: Yes, thank you Mr. President, that’s a very astute observation, and one that I can assure you has already been raised several times.

Bruce Springsteen: I actually have something I’d like to address now that we’re all gathered together. 

Recording Secretary: Sure, you’re the boss.

[Everybody groans but Lincoln, who is preoccupied studying an electrical socket.]

Springsteen: Well, I’d like to say that I’ve been sensing a lot of… competitive tension in the apartment recently. [Looks at Jordan] I mean, just the other day I missed a small spot while doing dishes, and Jordan stared daggers at me and then lashed into a tirade about how my early 70s work sounded like “nothing but a shitty-ass cheap-motherfucking-knockoff of if Bob Dylan and Van Morrison’s did the audio equivalent of two girls one cup.” 

Obama: Jesus. But I know what you mean. Just the other day I heard Jordan call Stephen “a slower, whiter, less-Twitter-woke version of broken-back-ass Steve Kerr” just because Stephen roasted the brussel sprouts a bit too much. 

Recording Secretary: I don’t want to talk about — 

Springsteen: Yeah! And then I took $25k off Jordan after we bet on the Lincoln–Obama debate over universal health care, and he wouldn’t let it go until we doubled or nothing on our pick-up basketball game. 

Recording Secretary: Yes, yes, about that. I really don’t think those teams were fair. Maybe next time it shouldn’t be me, Obama, and Bruce versus Jordan and Lincoln.

Lincoln: If I may, I have a question. Why did Jordan keep calling me “Will Perdue–looking ass” during the game? 

Obama: My fellow teammates, I am deeply troubled by the fact that we lost five straight games by a collective score of 105–7. We will do better. We. Must. Be. Better.

Jordan: You all are some weak motherfuckers. Especially stovepipe over here—I bet I could’ve dropped 50 on Stonewall Jackson before this chin-strapped jagoff could take a typhoid-laced dump.

Springsteen: Abe was on your team!

Jordan: Yeah, but I’m also getting pretty tired of hearing him remind me that he was friends with Frederick Douglass. 

Lincoln: Hey man, Republicans buy shoes too.

Springsteen: You’re, like, not a Republican any more! 

Recording Secretary: Mike, I’d also like to raise an anonymous comment I received complaining that you are “absolutely draining our internet with your online poker habit” — 

Jordan: I don’t know anything about that.

Recording Secretary: Well, I don’t want to have to make you retire early from our 2K tournament if —

Jordan: I said I don’t know anything about that. 

Lincoln: Excuse me, but a thought occurred to me. Why does Mr. Springsteen over here always count off “Hu-n, Hu-oo, Hu-ree, Hu-r” every time he’s about to start a task? 

Springsteen: Clearly you’ve never seen the American dream light up ahead of you like the headlights of a ‘59 Chevy down the Jersey turnpike

Obama: I think maybe we could all spend a little less time pestering each other, like some people around here who keep coming to me about things like “why the fuck is goddamn Grant on a bill that’s worth ten times more than mine” or “what modern magical marvel is behind these menthol cigarettes”? 

Lincoln: I’m sorry, I’m not right in my head. Anyways, who wants to play Catan? 

Jordan: Down. And I’ll bet fifty grand that Lincoln can’t raise the biggest army again.

[Barack throws Stevie Wonder on the Sonos, and we play Catan. It’s awesome. Later, Barack and the Recording Secretary go out to walk Bo and get carryout from Valois while Bruce and Lincoln roll a spliff and talk about resenting their fathers. Jordan has disappeared to play 36 holes of night golf before sunrise. High fives all around. Everybody in attendance agrees that the Recording Secretary’s Mt. Rushmore decision was the best thing to ever happen to us.]

Meeting adjourned and the minutes submitted for final approval.

FAQs for the Self-Quarantiner

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Q: Should I email my neighbors about the excessive noise they might hear as I jump around because of the fitness app I downloaded? 
A: Oh, you lift?

Q: Why did I buy so many beans?? I don’t eat beans!
A: Eat your fucking beans.

Q: Can I have a little doorknob lick? As a treat? 
A: No!!

Q: Why was Amy Adams’ character in Her? She seemed pretty unnecessary?
A: Your guess is as good as ours. 

Q: Am I no longer practicing social distancing if, while working out, I jump so hard that I open up a hole in the floor, causing me to fall approximately 8 feet into the living room below me and onto my neighbor’s portly 7-year-old as he plays Boggle? 
A: This is a meet-cute.

Q: Can I commit a crime and use social distancing as an excuse to not let the police in? 
A: Only if Anthony Fauci said you could.

Q: Can I complain about my neighbors smoking weed?
A: Fuck off dude, stand by your fellow man. 

Q: How stocked up on pickles is too stocked up on pickles?
A: Too much is never enough.

Q: Exactly how disinfected does an orgy need to be for it to be acceptable? 
A: As long as assholes are bleached, you should be good.

Q: When the fuck will I get to watch Fast 9 in theaters?
A: Not soon enough… not soon enough.

Q: Do I have to have my video on while using Zoom?
A: Only if more than 40% of the participants are also sharing video.

Q: What is Pep Boys doing in response to the COVID-19 outbreak? 
A: Furloughs!

Q: Can someone please take some of these beans!!!
A: No, eat up bean boy.

Q: How many people need to get infected before I can get hella racist about it?
A: Go lick a doorknob, asshole.

Q: How long does it take for Amazon to deliver a 14th-century bird doctor mask?
A: Not as long as it will take for the package to sit in your front hallway while you wait for the virus to fall off it and die. 

Q: Will my gimp mask protect me?
A: Not if you’re using it the right way 😉

Q: Okay, I’ll just be direct here: how much is the Social Security burden going to be lightened?
A: On advice of counsel, we have redacted this answer.

Q: Asking for a friend: Can anyone sneeze in Mitch McConnell’s face, just for fun?
A: Oh hell yeah. Especially if you’re showing symptoms.

Q: I stayed inside today, am I a hero? 
A: Yes, you make healthcare workers look like lazy pieces of shit!

The Quarantiner’s Monthly Budget

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someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying.

  • Rent: $0 (we on strike #StandWithTheCheesecakeFactory)
  • Groceries: literally whatever the cashier tells you, don’t even listen just take what he’ll give you
  • Deodorant: $0
  • Uber: $0 (net savings: $1,700)
  • Hand soap: $1,700
  • Laundry: $0
  • Restaurant delivery: $2,500 (support local businesses!)
  • Tip: 35%
  • Bleach: $3,900
  • Gym membership you forgot to cancel: $50
  • Amazon orders: $1,200
  • Netflix: again, they kind of just get to name a number at this point
  • Hulu: Not even a quarantine is getting us to subscribe
  • Shaving cream and razors: $0
  • Gas: $0
  • Puzzles: $500
  • Puzzle Shipping Rate: $9.99
  • Zoom membership: $14.99 somehow